


Year Two: Friend/Lover

by creative_rebellion



Series: Intentions and Consequences [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Destruction of Vulcan, Genius!Kirk, M/M, Slow Burn, Starfleet, Starfleet Academy, Swearing, Tarsus IV, Trans Character, Will be Explicit, human 101 lessons, is now explicit, jim teaches spock about humans, making an au into even more of an au, not for sex, sexy fun times, slow burn for emotions anyway, trans!Kirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-26 07:01:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 54,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12551804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creative_rebellion/pseuds/creative_rebellion
Summary: Jim and Spock enter another year at Starfleet Academy. When Spock develops a crush on a human cadet, Jim agrees to help Spock learn more about humans/humanity, so he will be ready to start a relationship. Jim finds out that all his good intentions come with consequences. This is their second year.Part two in the series.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This update is only about a month later than I thought it'd be. So yay for that.
> 
> This is the second part in the series. You could probably read it without reading the previous part, but it might get a little confusing. (The first part is only five chapters, so you might as well read it.)

The beginning of the new school year found McCoy, Jim, Sulu, and Chekov together in a bar just off campus, discussing their summer breaks and their classes for the semester.

“After my summer work, I’m back on track to graduate in three years,” Jim said to the group with a wide grin.

“I am also on track to graduate in three and a half years,” Chekov agreed, raising his glass to Jim’s in celebration.

McCoy rolled his eyes and muttered something about “damn geniuses” before taking a long drink.

“Don’t grumble, Bones –I’ll be graduating with your class. It’ll be fun! We can walk across the stage together.”

“I’m gonna remind you again that I’ve already gotten two degrees under my belt, and this is giving me a third advanced degree. We might be graduating in the same ceremony, but we won’t be walking together, or at the same time. Probably not even in the same hour, since graduation ceremonies take so damn long,” McCoy said.

Jim smirked, “Did you just want to remind the group that you’re older than us and have so much more life experience?”

“Oh, hush, you. Make yourself useful and go get us another round.”

This suggestion was met with lots of approval around the table, and so Jim wandered back up to the bar to get everyone another drink.

While the bartender was completing his order, he looked down the bar and immediately grinned.

“Hi,” he started. “Jim Kirk, nice to meet you.”

The woman looked at him, her long hair flicking lightly from her ponytail. He watched her eyes look him up and down, taking him in. He returned the look.

“You can call me Uhura,” she said.

“Uhura,” he repeated with a nod. “You Starfleet?”

She nodded, a small smirk on her face.

“But you’re not a first year, because first years don’t go to places like this. But if you’re not a first year, why haven’t I seen you before? I’d never forget a face like yours.”

She grinned, “You’re pretty observant, farmboy. I’m not a first year, but this is my first year here.”

Her nickname probably meant that she knew exactly who he was and where he came from (thanks, tabloids). He found, coming from her, it sounded more like friendly banter than a put-down. Jim was intrigued.

“So you’re a transfer, then,” Jim grinned. “Where are you transferring from?”

“I’m not here to make small talk tonight. I’m occupied,” her gaze moved to a table in the corner. When Jim looked, he spotted an Orion woman staring back at him.

He turned back to Uhura, “A date? Or a girl’s night?”

Uhura leaned in close to him, “You’re not invited either way,” and then she spun away and back to her table with her drinks. Jim watched her go.

He decided that he liked her.

\---

It did not take long for Jim to seek Spock out, once the semester had started again. He found Spock in the science labs during the first week of classes, surprising absolutely no one.

“We’re even,” Jim said with a grin. Spock turned to look at Jim fully.

“This is not a customary greeting,” he said. “I find I do not know how to respond.”

“Hey, Spock,” Jim smiled. “I hope your summer was good.”

“Hello, Jim. My summer was adequate. And yours?”

“Mine makes us even,” Jim reiterated.

“I do not understand.”

“You’ve taken twelve courses here at Starfleet, and you were a TA for five classes last year. I’ve taken thirteen classes, and I TA-ed for two or three, unofficially. I’d call that basically even.”

Spock blinked, “I did not realize we were in a race.”

“Of course we’re in a race, Spock –you’re the only one who can keep up with me, and vice versa.”

“This is not a competition.”

“Of course not, Spock.”

One of Spock’s eyebrows lifted at Jim’s tone. “And what of our course loads for this semester?”

“We’re both taking seven courses, and we’ll take seven in the spring again, I’m assuming.”

“I am also a Teacher’s Assistant for three other courses this semester.”

“I’ve got two this semester. And whatever side-projects come up,” Jim waved a hand vaguely, as if gesturing towards imaginary projects the future might bring him.

“Jim, I am doubtful of your calculations. While you have taken one more class than I, I have assisted with twice the number of courses you have. I believe that puts me ahead in your race.”

Jim narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms. “Feeling a little competitive, even though this isn’t a competition, Spock?”

Spock straightened, “I believe the correct human phrase is ‘you started it’.”

Jim grinned, “Bring it on, Spock.”

\---

“Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice.”

Jim sat uncomfortably straight. “Of course, Admiral. Anytime.”

Pike squinted at Jim, making sure he wasn’t being a little shit (like he normally was) before continuing. “I wanted to present an opportunity for you. For your future career.”

Jim sat up a little straighter, eyes bright and interested.

“In a year, I’m taking a semester’s leave because there’s a six-month exploratory mission I’m heading –it’s from next June until the following December. It’s come to my attention that my Chief Engineer needs an assistant for this mission, and the Admiralty wanted to offer this opportunity to a top-performing command-track student at the Academy.”

Jim gaped at Pike, who held up one hand to stall any sort of response.

“You don’t have to answer right now. I would actually prefer you don’t. It’d look really good on your record, and you could get some experience credits transferred for relevant coursework, just like any other internship opportunity. But I want you to think about it, and let me know by the end of this semester if you think it’s something you could see yourself doing. Is that clear?”

“Crystal,” Jim nodded.

“Also, this stays between us. At least for now.”

Jim nodded again, “I can do that.”

“Good,” Pike nodded back. “Now get out of here. And at least try not to piss off any of your professors this semester, okay?”

Jim grinned in response, “I can’t help it if other people can’t handle being wrong.”

Pike rolled his eyes as Jim skipped out the door, head spinning with possibilities.

\---

By the third week of the semester, Jim and Spock had a standing routine of meeting in the library on Tuesdays and Thursdays to complete work together. And to talk. (Mostly to talk.)

“How are you courses going, Spock?”

“The courses I am attending have proved adequate as I am able to increase my workload as needed. The courses I am assisting are… acceptable.”

Jim looked at Spock, eyebrows raised. “Just acceptable?”

Spock did not look away, “I have found that human students tend to be easily overwhelmed with work, and I have adjusted accordingly. However, I find these adjustments seem to prevent the students from engaging deeply with the material.”

“You’re saying that you dumbed the coursework down for us measly humans, and you’re bored with it.”

Spock’s gaze shifted, “I did not mean to convey any negative belief of human intelligence. However, your understanding is not incorrect.”

“You don’t have any students that are really grappling with the material? Asking for more advanced work?”

Spock paused.

“So there _are_ students doing that?” Jim asked, inferring the information from Spock’s pause. “Or just one?”

“There is one,” Spock admitted. “Her work has been exemplary in assignments, and she is quite receptive to feedback. She has already requested extra work.”

“Well, that’s great, Spock –looks like you have an overachiever,” _or a secret admirer_.

Spock nodded, “She is quite perceptive in class, I believe she is in the Communications track, focusing on xenolinguistics. She seems quite determined to perform well.”

Jim’s head tilted, as if he was hearing something odd. “Spock, you’re speaking really highly of her, which, no offense, is a little unlike you… do you _like_ her?”

Spock immediately sat back, stiff and straight, “That would be inappropriate.”

Jim leaned forward, as if making up for Spock’s abrupt retreat, “No, of course, it’s inappropriate while she’s in your class, but, Spock, you seem really interested in her. It’s okay if you like her.”

“It is not logical to show one student preference over another.”

Jim sighed, “I wasn’t thinking that you liked her solely in an academic sense, Spock. Which you already know, based on your reaction to my initial statement.”

Spock looked down. “I do not wish to continue this conversation.”

“Sure,” Jim breathed. He hadn’t ever seen Spock like this. “But if you ever want to continue this conversation, you can talk to me about it. But tell me about how you’re increasing your workload in your other classes that you’re taking. I gotta know, so I can make sure my work adds up to yours.”

Spock graciously accepted this diversion.

\---

Two weeks passed until Spock finally admitted he might have a problem.

“Not-Professor Spock,” her voice called him after class, “may I have a moment of your time?”

Spock turned and inclined his head, “Cadet Uhura, you may.”

“I was hoping you would have some time later this week to discuss my midterm paper. I’m finding it hard to choose a topic for it, and I’m hoping you can help me narrow down my focus.”

“I believe I can make myself available for a meeting. Did you have a time in mind?”

“I’m free on Friday,” she said while taking a small step closer to him. Her proximity was not lost on Spock.

“I am also available on Friday, perhaps at 1300 hours?”

She smiled, “It’s a date. Let’s meet at the coffee shop, near the cafeteria. Thank you so much, Not-Professor.”

Spock breathed in, “Cadet Uhura, you need not refer to me with that title. As I am also a cadet, you may simply address me as Spock.”

“In that case,” she grinned, “I insist you call me Nyota, Spock.”

Spock’s heart thumped hard in his side. He inclined his head, “Nyota,” he muttered softly.

“I’ll see you on Friday, Spock.”

Spock watched her leave the classroom before settling back into a chair, feeling vaguely overwhelmed.

\---

“Jim, I believe you may have been correct.”

Jim looked up from his work at Spock, who was staring blankly at the padd in front of him. Jim beamed, “Well, I always like to hear that, Spock, but I’ll need a little more information from you before I can properly gloat. What, exactly, was I right about?”

Abruptly, Spock stood and began packing his things. Jim, now confused, did the same.

“Please, follow me,” Spock said softly. Jim assented.

They walked in silence for five minutes. Spock led Jim to an off-campus apartment, and Jim quickly realized it was actually Spock’s. Up until that point, they had always met in public. This seemed much more… intimate.

“Spock, are you okay?” Jim asked as Spock opened the door to his apartment. Jim was so focused on Spock that he barely looked at his surroundings.

Spock did not respond until after he closed the door behind himself. “Do you recall our conversation where you asked me if I preferred one student over others?”

Jim tilted his head, “You mean the conversation where I asked you if you liked your student?”

“That is what I just said.”

Jim didn’t argue the point, “Yeah, it was like two weeks ago. You’re saying I was right?”

Spock looked down, glaring at the floor instead of at Jim. He said nothing.

Jim quickly realized that, had Spock been human, he would be pacing frantically and well on his way to freaking the fuck out. “Well, shit,” Jim said, dropping his bag on the ground and turning to look at Spock’s apartment, “Let’s get you a warm drink, and we can talk about this. You do tea, right? Not coffee?” At Spock’s nod, he said, “Then let’s make some tea.”

He made his way into the small kitchen area, noting that Spock’s apartment was actually really nice. It was somewhat minimalistic –not lots of showy anything, but that was expected. It was comfortable. Jim liked it.

Spock filled a kettle with water and Jim quickly located the tea, and after a few minutes, they were both sitting at the small kitchen island with hot mugs in their hands.

“Alright, so what happened to make you realize that you liked her?”

“I told her to call me by my name.”

Jim looked at Spock, blinked, and tried really hard to put himself in Spock’s shoes. “And this helped you realize it because…?”

“It’s inappropriate. It is logical for her to continue to address me as Not-Professor Spock, as all my other students do, but I directed her to do otherwise.”

“Your students call you Not-Professor Spock?” Jim felt a grin break out over his face. He fucking loved humans sometimes. At Spock’s fierce look in response, Jim sobered up, “Right, off topic. So what was the context around this?”

“She requested a meeting about the content and focus of her midterm paper.”

“Did she call it a meeting?”

“I –” Spock started speaking, and then stopped. He closed his mouth. Then he started again, “No. I was the one who called it a meeting. She referred to it as a date.”

Jim grinned and didn’t try to hide it. “She is really not being subtle at all. Look, this isn’t actually a bad thing –you’ll just have to wait until she’s not your student anymore, and then you can make a move.”

Spock blinked, “I am not relocating, Jim.”

Jim pointed a finger at Spock’s face, “You know that’s not what I meant. But fine. You’ll just have to wait until she’s not your student anymore, and then you might be able to actually date her if you’re both still interested.”

Spock was silent.

“What?” Jim asked, leaning forward. “Why would that be a problem?”

“She is human.”

“Yeah? I’m human too –you don’t seem to have a problem hanging out with me.”

“I have never…” Spock breathed in deeply, “I have never been in a romantic relationship before. I have very little experience in the matter, and her being human complicates it further. I find that I do not completely understand humans at the best of times, and if I were to attempt a romantic relationship with one, I fear there would be cultural misunderstandings.”

Jim shrugged, “We don’t have cultural misunderstandings.”

Spock leveled a flat stare at Jim, “Our relationship began with a rather large cultural misunderstanding, Jim.”

Jim rolled his eyes, “Fine, I’ll give you that one. But you shouldn’t worry about this right now, Spock.”

“Vulcans do not worry.”

“Right, but maybe half-Vulcans do,” Jim gave Spock a pointed look. “Regardless, you have at least the rest of the semester to not do anything and to learn about humans. I can teach you.”

“Teach me?”

“About humans.”

Spock considered this. “It would be apt for you to teach me about humans.”

Jim gave Spock a confused look.

“It is, arguably, how our relationship started, Jim,” Spock said. “You told me, and I quote, ‘people are shitty, Mr. Spock’.”

Jim laughed. “So, it’s settled, then. I’ll teach you all about my species, and about how we approach romantic relationships, so then you’ll know what you’ll be getting into with… uh, what’s her name?”

“Cadet Nyota Uhura.”

“Uhura. No shit,” Jim grinned and looked away. “I met her once, she’s pretty impressive. Good choice, Spock.”

“Choice had very little to do with it, Jim.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock explains some myths about Vulcan anatomy. Jim has a realization.

Spock arrived at the coffee shop outside of the cafeteria two minutes early, and found Uhura already waiting for him.

“Spock,” she greeted with a smile.

He inclined his head, “Nyota.”

“Would you like a drink? I think I’m going to get a coffee for my afternoon lessons.”

Spock blinked, nodding. “I believe they have a robust selection of teas available, so I will purchase one for myself.”

Once they received their drinks and found a table, they discussed Uhura’s class work and narrowed down a topic for her paper, based on her personal interests and ability levels.

When they concluded their discussion, they stood, preparing to leave.

“Thank you so much, Spock. I really appreciate you taking the time to meet with me today.” Nyota reached out her hand that was not holding her coffee cup and gently placed it on Spock’s arm. “I hope I’m not being too forward, but I’d really like to do this with you again, but when I’m not taking a class you’re the TA for.”

Spock could feel his heart beating hard in his side. He nodded, “I am amenable to encountering you again at a later time, when you are no longer my student, Nyota. Perhaps next semester?”

She smiled at him brightly and removed her hand from his arm. “Yes,” she said, “It’s a date, then.”

\---

On Saturday, when they agreed to meet for Jim’s unofficial lessons in humanity, Spock told Jim about his meeting, “I believe she understands that we cannot engage in a romantic relationship at this time, due to the power imbalance inherent in our current relationship.”

“That’s not surprising,” Jim agreed. “She seems very smart. And I don’t think you’d be attracted to her if she wasn’t.”

“She is quite intelligent, Jim,” Spock confirmed, and Jim recognized the high praise for what it was.

Jim nodded and then clapped his hands together. “Alright, let’s get started. First lesson in Humans 101,” Jim said, holding one finger up in the air. “Humans are primarily emotional creatures.”

Spock inclined his head, “I have observed this to be true.”

“Humans are emotional and illogical and generally our reactions don’t come from a place of logic or reason but from emotion, so if you wanna date a human you’ve gotta be prepared for that.”

“How can I be prepared for something that does not follow the pattern of logic?”

“That’s a great question, Spock,” Jim said. “It’s always good to remember that someone’s perception tends to be equally or more important than the reality of the situation. If someone thinks you insulted them, it doesn’t matter if you didn’t actually mean it that way, they’re gonna be mad at you.”

“But there is an objective reality, Jim.” Spock’s brow furrowed, “Someone either intended to insult or they did not.”

“Perceptions trump reality,” Jim stated. “Well. Maybe not trump reality. But perceptions alter reality, definitely. A person can intend an insult, but if the other person doesn’t perceive it as an insult, then it’s not an insult. The intent to insult failed, because the person did not react like it was an insult. A person can not intend an insult, but if the other person sees it as an insult, then it is. Whatever the comment is, how it’s perceived determines how people will react to it. And how people react to it confirms if the original intent was fulfilled or not.”

“Intentions don’t matter, consequences do,” Spock muttered, staring at Jim almost softly.

“Right,” Jim agreed. “Just like when we first met.”

“You must admit, however, that this is not entirely how the world works.”

Jim cocked his head, “How do you mean?”

“It simply does not hold true in every situation. Often there is a factual reality that needs to be accounted for.”

“Yes, facts and concrete realities complicate the matter further. Gravity is real and two plus two equals four. But those are different than beliefs. Having an opinion or believing that there are only two genders doesn’t negate the fact that there are multiple genders on Earth. But, having that belief or opinion _does_ alter how you interact with the world as a whole, and with people who don’t fit into your perspective.”

“And that would be the basis of transphobia?”

Jim shrugged, “Among others. Sometimes people who don’t intend harm to me still cause it anyway, just due to ignorance, which, I guess, you would know because of how we met.”

Spock considered this, “Another way this does not hold true is this: had my intentions been to harm you when we first met, we would not be here now. It is because you were able to understand my intentions and ignorance that allowed us to get to this point.”

Jim grinned and nodded, “Sure, but for a while I didn’t want to be friends with you, and definitely didn’t envision myself here half a year later. It was only when my perceptions of you changed that I opened up to you. But, sure, you’re right. Intentions help, especially when trying to fix a mistake.”

Spock inclined his head in agreement.

“Anyway, to the original lesson, humans are emotional and illogical.” Jim grinned cheekily, “We also think we are extremely clever and witty, _Not-Professor_ Spock.”

Spock responded with a flat look that only made Jim laugh harder. “While the title is logical, I admit it is not what I was expecting in response to the reminder that I am not their professor.”

“You said it just like that, didn’t you? When they called you Professor Spock –‘I am not your professor’?” Jim pitched his voice low.

Spock squinted at him, “Affirmative. May I ask if that was your imitation of my voice? It was noticeably dissimilar.”

Jim laughed, long and hard. “Here’s another tip, Spock. Incorporate more ‘feeling’ language in your vocabulary. Romantic partners love talking about feelings, it helps them _feel_ emotionally connected to each other.”

“More… feeling language.”

“Yeah,” Jim shrugged. “Like, right now, you’re totally irritated with my ‘imitation of your voice’,” he pitched his voice again, trying hard not to laugh.

Spock did not say anything. He glared at Jim.

“So, what are you feeling right now?” Jim prompted.

Spock’s face smoothed out. “I am not.”

“You’re not feeling?”

“Affirmative.”

Jim covered his mouth with his hand, trying to hold back laughter. “Right. So hopefully Uhura will understand Vulcan fronts.”

“It is not a front, Jim.”

Jim pointed a finger at Spock’s face, “I’m still not convinced that’s the truth, Spock.”

\---

“You’re sure spending a lot of time with that Vulcan this semester, Jim. Especially seeing as you kinda hated him last year.”

Jim looked up from his work to meet McCoy’s stare. “Bones, are you jealous?” he grinned. “You know you’re first in my heart.”

McCoy rolled his eyes. “Deflect all you want, darling, but you _are_ spending a lot of time with him. Should I be expecting a wedding invitation soon?”

“Aw, shut up, Bones,” Jim laughed. “It’s not like that. I’m helping Spock get a girl, that’s all.”

“You’re helping him get a girl by spending time with him basically every day?”

Jim squinted at McCoy, “You would phrase it like that.”

“I’m just callin’ it like I see it.”

“There’s nothing going on like that, Bones, so there’s no need to phrase my actions like I’m trying to seduce him.”

“Hey, you’re the one who said it, not me.”

“You implied it.”

“Your actions implied it.”

Jim sighed, “Can we not do this right now? I have a professor to piss off via this paper I’m writing, and then I have fifteen assignments to grade.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be doing your grading with Spock at the library? Why didn’t you get it done this week?”

Jim looked down, muttered something McCoy couldn’t quite catch.

“What was that, Jim?”

Jim glared at McCoy, “We don’t always grade together. Most of the time we… talk.”

McCoy raised one eyebrow.

“Shut up, Bones. There is nothing happening there.”

“Whatever you say, Jim.”

\---

Spock was already at their table by the time Jim arrived at the library on Thursday evening.

“Sorry I’m late,” Jim said. “Ran into two of my students from that tactics class I’m helping with unofficially –which definitely counts in our little competition, by the way. And our humanity lessons count, too.”

“I am still ahead, Jim.”

“Barely. Anyway, how’s your grading going?”

“It is acceptable,” Spock responded calmly. “My students in the Advanced Astronomy and Astrophysics course just completed an exam. Most of them have performed admirably thus far.”

“Good, good,” Jim nodded in response. He was unpacking his bag, “You hungry at all? I have a granola bar.”

“Is it the same that you offered to me last semester?”

Jim looked up, “No. At least, I’m pretty sure it’s not. Even if it is, it’s still good. They don’t go bad.”

“I do not require sustenance at this time, Jim. But thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah, you sound so grateful when you question how old my food is –Spock?”

Spock had abruptly stood up, and was staring at some point over Jim’s head. Jim turned, and realized Uhura had just entered the library. She was staring back at Spock with a bright smile, and began walking to their table.

“Hello, Spock,” she greeted him softly.

“Nyota,” Spock intoned.

“Hey, Uhura,” Jim said.

Uhura grinned down at him, “Farmboy,” she teased. “I didn’t realize you knew each other.”

“We met last year,” Spock nodded, barely looking at Jim at all.

Uhura looked like she was about to say something, but Jim stood up sharply and started putting things back in his bag, “Here, Uhura, why don’t you sit here? I actually have to go –there’s a thing that’s out… there,” he jerked his thumb in the direction of the door, not looking at either of them, “So I gotta go, but you should keep Spock company, alright?”

“You are leaving?” Spock asked.

“Yeah, sorry, I forgot I had another thing. It’s cool, though –I’ll see you Saturday, right? For the lessons?” Jim finally looked at Spock as he hooked his bag back on his shoulder.

Spock nodded, “Affirmative. I will see you Saturday, Jim.”

“Okay, bye, then,” Jim waved to both of them and then marched out of the library, wondering why his chest felt tight, and where, exactly, he was going to go.

\---

“How was Thursday night with Uhura?” Jim asked when he arrived at Spock’s apartment on Saturday.

“It was suitable. We were able to accomplish work together and engage in some discussions. But you did not have to leave, Jim. You could have stayed.”

“No, I had a thing,” Jim repeated, as if saying it again and again would make it the truth. “Anyway, are you ready to get started?”

Spock nodded and, after getting Jim a beverage, joined Jim in the sitting area of his apartment.

“Second lesson for Humans 101: humans need to be touched.”

Spock nodded in response.

Jim continued, “There’ve been studies about it, actually. Humans can actually become touch-starved, did you know that?”

“I did not.”

“Yeah, it’s a thing. Touch is so important for humans that new parents are encouraged to have as much skin-to-skin contact with their babies as possible, so that they feel protected and safe. Like, babies can die if they don’t get enough touch. Even adults suffer if they haven’t been touched enough.”

Spock blinked, “This is why humans must touch everything?”

Jim faltered, “What? What do you mean?”

“You are excessively physical, Jim. Most humans are. You must have noticed.”

Jim blinked, “I mean… I guess?”

“Humans greet each other by embracing, or by touching hands or lips or cheeks, depending on the culture. Millennia ago, humans met a species of wolf and domesticated them through touch, which allows you now to keep their descendants as pets to walk around in order for other humans to pet them, among other things. You yourself often touch walls or street posts although it offers no benefit to you whatsoever. Even your fighting style relies on close proximity and excessive physical touch.”

While Jim spluttered, Spock continued, “I hypothesize that humans touch everything because they themselves need to be touched, and thus believe everything else needs to be touched as well,” Spock insisted. “It is quite noticeable, coming from a culture that refrains from touch.”

Jim was taken aback. “Wait. You didn’t grow up being held or anything?”

Spock shifted slightly. “My mother was always more physically affectionate in general. But in Vulcan culture, there comes a point in time where touch is actively discouraged. It is unacceptable in Vulcan culture to grab onto others around you, due to the potential for emotional transference.”

“Oh,” Jim looked concerned. “How does that work with your half-human-ness?”

“I do not understand.”

“Well, if humans _need_ to be touched, thrive from it, in fact –and you’re half human but you’re being raised in a culture that restricts touch…”

“I was raised as a Vulcan, in line with my biology,” Spock said.

Jim raised his hands, palms up, “I didn’t mean any offense, Spock. It’s just hard to understand, from a human perspective. That’s all. I’m sorry for upsetting you.”

“I am not upset,” Spock said, face blank and voice calm.

“Right,” Jim said, pitching his voice so Spock understood that Jim did not believe it. “So back to human touch, then. Humans need to be touched, but that doesn’t mean all touch is good or wanted.”

“You are speaking of issues around consent.”

“Precisely,” Jim nodded. “We can talk about consent more later if we need to, but the fact that you knew what I was talking about is always a good sign. Meanwhile, common touches in romantic relationships are as follows: holding hands, kissing –”

“Are they not the same?”

Jim abruptly stopped short. “I’m sorry?”

“Touching hands,” Spock started, frowning slightly. “The word in Vulcan can be translated to kissing.”

“So this is another Vulcan thing?” Jim started grinning.

Spock did not sigh, but he wanted to. Jim arguably knew more about Vulcan culture than any human (outside of a human in relationship with a Vulcan, of course), but he always wanted to learn more.

“Vulcans have particularly sensitive hands,” Spock explained. “To kiss, we would touch our index and middle fingers together.” He extended his hand to show Jim what it would look like.

Jim stared at his outstretched hand until Spock lowered it.

“So, humans kiss with their mouths,” Jim said. “It can be kisses on the cheek, hand, or really any part of the body, but kisses are done with at least one person’s mouth.”

“Is that pleasurable?”

“I mean… yeah,” Jim said. “We have a lot of nerve endings in our lips.”

“It is the same with Vulcans and hands.”

“You have a lot of nerve endings in your hands?”

Spock blinked, “Affirmative.”

“So… are you just, like… turned on all the time?” Jim could feel himself blushing ( _why are you like this, Jim_?)

Spock raised his eyebrow and tilted his head, “Turned on?”

Jim ran a hand down his face. “Like… aroused?”

Spock furrowed his eyebrows. “Jim, you touch your face, on average, three point nine times per hour. When you are stressed, you touch your face six point two times per hour, for an average of four point three seconds. You touch your lips, specifically, approximately half that amount. Do you become aroused every time you touch your lips?”

“N-no,” Jim said, thrown off guard a bit. “But I don’t use them to … touch everything.”

“You use them to eat and drink. I am simply prompting you to think of the similarities between our species, Jim. My hands are not a sex organ, just as your lips are not. However, they can still be used to show affection, which is pleasant for our species, as it is for yours.”

Jim blinked, nodded, cleared his throat, and then, “So, going back, common touches in romantic relationships are as follows: holding hands, kissing –which are not actually the same thing in human relationships –there’s also just a lot more general touching than, like, if you were with a close friend, and if you think people are super physical with their friends just wait until you get into a relationship with a human –and then there’s all the sexual touches too, but those are not for public viewing and we can talk about that in a different lesson.”

Spock stared at Jim before dropping his gaze, “I do not believe I can hold hands in public. It is… inappropriate.”

Jim’s eyes widened. “Spock, are you… are you blushing?”

“I am not.”

“You can glare at me all you want, but your ears are green.”

“My ears are always green, and I am not glaring.”

“Green _er_ –you _are_ blushing –oh my _god_ , Spock! Is it a Vulcan _sex_ thing?”

“Jim, please refrain from sounding so delighted.”

“You _lied_ –your hands are super sensitive, aren’t they?! Maybe we _will_ talk about sexual touches today.”

“No, we will not. It is not inherently sexual, but it is quite intimate. I’m sure Nyota will understand.”

Jim froze for a moment, blinked, and seemed to shake himself mentally, “Yes, of course she will. Uhura will completely understand the whole culture thing, you’re right.” His heart was beating fast for some reason.

He realized he had completely forgotten about Uhura, and was thinking about _himself_. About him and Spock.

(How long had _that_ been going on?)

Spock tilted his head, “Jim, are you –”

Jim smiled at Spock even though he felt a little sick to his stomach, “Let’s continue on, shall we? I’ve sent some research to your padd about the importance of touch for humans, and other similar animals. It’s fairly rudimentary stuff, so it shouldn’t be too much work for you to read through, for research purposes. You can also observe common, public-appropriate touches –both romantic and non-romantic –by simply people watching when you have time, focusing on close friends and couples.”

“I will endeavor to do so.”

“Consider it your homework.”

\---

McCoy opened his apartment door to find Jim already sitting on his couch with all of the lights on.

“I’m here to say go fuck yourself, Bones.”

“Good to see you too, Jim. Ever heard of conserving energy?” Bones walked around, turning off unnecessary lights and dropping everything he was carrying with him. “Also, how did you get in here before me –you don’t have a key or the access code.”

“Irrelevant,” Jim waved his hand in the air. McCoy retrieved two beers, and then joined Jim in the sitting area.

“I feel like I shouldn’t reward your behavior with a beer,” McCoy said carefully, eyes squinted.

Jim huffed, “By the end of this, we might want something stronger than that.”

McCoy’s eyebrow lifted, “What did you do?”

Jim glared, “It’s not my fault. Actually, I blame you entirely.”

“What did you do?” McCoy repeated firmly.

Jim sighed and sagged into the couch. “Give me a shot of something, and I’ll tell you.”

McCoy nodded. He put the beers on the coffee table, and retrieved two shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey.

Jim downed his shot as soon as it was poured. McCoy felt his eye twitch, and he started feeling concerned.

“Spit it out, man. What’s got you riled up like this?”

“I think I like Spock,” Jim blurted. He buried his face in his hands and groaned, “No, I _definitely_ like Spock.”

“Well,” McCoy breathed heavily, falling onto the couch beside Jim. “I won’t say ‘I told you so’ –”

“You literally just did, Bones.”

“But I hope you understand that I _can_ actually recognize when you’re getting a little obsessed with something. Or someone, in this case. I can’t say I’m surprised. In fact, I’d say you were fucked since the middle of last semester, honestly.”

“Shut up, Bones,” Jim sighed. “Just… drink with me?”

McCoy’s gaze softened, “Sure, Jim. I can do that.”

So they drank. And McCoy listened while Jim spilled his guts.

“I can’t tell him. Jesus, he can’t know. I gotta focus on helping him with Uhura,” Jim said, pouring himself some more whiskey.

McCoy downed the rest of his drink before putting his glass next to Jim’s, hoping Jim would fill it up. He did.

Jim continued, “Fuck, this sucks.”

“That’s why they call it a crush, Jim,” McCoy spoke. “Because it hurts, and it sucks.”

They were silent. Jim sighed heavily. He felt the anger and resentment and fear drain from his shoulders, and instead of all of that, he felt tired.

“Whatever, Bones,” Jim flailed his hand in McCoy’s direction. “Fuck it. At least it can’t get worse.”

“Man, why would you say that?” McCoy asked heatedly. “It can _always_ get worse, and you’ve just cursed it!”

Jim laughed, “So it’ll join the ranks of the other shitty things in my life. It’ll give me something new to talk to therapists about,” he snorted.

“As if you’d willingly go to therapy.”

Jim laughed, “Too true, Bones, too true.”

They clinked glasses together, and poured themselves another shot.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock and Jim continue their Human 101 lessons. Jim tries to convince Bones to do some research. Jim kinda fucks up a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kind comments -they mean so much to me! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving (if you celebrate it) and are looking forward to the winter holidays!

Jim tried his hardest to not let anything change between himself and Spock.

The next Saturday, he went to Spock’s apartment for their weekly lessons, as was routine.

“Today’s lesson is an extension of the first, where we talked about how humans are illogical and emotional,” Jim started. “Humans, because we are illogical and emotional, tend to laugh about really sad things that we shouldn’t laugh about. It’s like a defense mechanism. Like if we don’t laugh, we cry. I’ve heard laughter called the ‘restart button’ of our brains –like we can’t handle something, and laughter like turning a machine off and on again. We also sometimes do other stupid things, like sing when we’re scared or nervous.”

“I do not understand. You laugh because you are sad?”

“Not really because of. More like instead of.”

“You laugh instead of being sad.”

“Exactly! And most of the time, we get that we shouldn’t be laughing about it, but we do it anyway.”

Spock squinted, “Can you provide me with an example?”

“Um,” Jim faltered. “So…”

Well. This was probably going to kill the mood.

He closed his eyes, sighed, and then, “I guess, one example… On Tarsus, there was one time our group found out a different group had been killed –people that we knew, but had stayed away from for safety reasons. It was safer to stay in smaller groups, because it was harder to find us. But we found out this other group _had_ been found and… well, when we found out, a girl started to laugh. She couldn’t stop herself, until she started sobbing.” Jim shook his head, as if clearing his mind of the memory, and then huffed a laugh, “So it’s just a fucked up coping skill that you should be aware of, because it’s not logical and could potentially throw you off.”

“I appreciate your foresight, Jim,” Spock carefully put his hand on Jim’s shoulder. “And I appreciate you sharing your past with me.”

Jim smiled, leaning into the touch without realizing it, “Thanks for listening, Spock.”

And then Jim remembered touch telepathy.

Jim straightened quickly, standing so Spock’s hand left his shoulder, “I just gotta,” he gestured to the bathroom, and beat a hasty retreat.

His heart was racing, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the memories of Tarsus IV, or because Spock had touched him ( _initiated_ it, even!)

When he closed the bathroom door behind him, he realized he needed more information on Vulcan telepathy. He knew they were touch telepaths, but how did that work? Could Spock get his thoughts and emotions by touching his shoulder just now? Did clothes block it?

“Fuck,” he whispered, running a hand through his hair. He went through the motions of using the restroom and decided that he needed to suck it up. If Spock could read him from that shoulder touch, then it was already done. If Spock couldn’t read him, then there was nothing to worry about.

He needed do more research either way.

Jim went back out to the sitting area.

“Do humans prefer to be alone in times of tumultuous emotion?” Spock asked.

Jim paused. “What do you mean?”

“Just now, for instance, you shared something intimate about yourself, and you wanted to be alone momentarily. However, last March, you were content with me being present, even though you were experiencing a high level of emotions. Which is preferable?”

Jim smiled and settled down on the couch where he was before, “Some people do prefer to be alone when they’re feeling overwhelmed with emotions. It can help them calm down. Other people don’t want to be alone, because then they wallow. Sometimes, people do both. Maybe in some instances, they want to be alone to collect themselves, but in other moments they want to be with someone who cares about them and supports them. It depends on the person and the situation.”

Spock looked away from Jim, pensive. “In Vulcan culture, it is seen as shameful to show emotion. If one is showing feeling in public, their control must be weak, and that makes them potentially dangerous. It is understood that, if one is struggling with emotions, one should retreat into solitude in order to meditate, and better grasp their control.”

Jim stared at Spock somewhat wide-eyed. He didn’t want to say something and make Spock regret speaking about this. He was always so tight-lipped about Vulcan culture, that him offering this to Jim felt like a gift.

“I find it somewhat confusing when humans desire companionship in times of distress,” Spock admitted, “because I have no context for that desire myself. I do not know how to react to it.”

“That’s fine, Spock. Honestly, most of the time you don’t have to say anything at all. You also don’t have to share the impulse. But you should understand that it exists. And it’s often more relevant in romantic relationships, going back to the idea that romantic partners want to feel emotionally connected to each other.”

Spock did not frown, but his lips pressed together, which was close enough for Jim. “If I lose control, I am dangerous. I should not be around others. Nyota would not be safe. Humans are much weaker than Vulcans. It would be easy –” he stopped talking.

“Spock,” Jim started. “This sounds like something you’ll have to take up with your partner –with Uhura, potentially. I’m sure she will understand your need to be alone, to meditate.” He put his hand on Spock’s shoulder, reversing their previous positions, “And humans might be weak compared to Vulcans, but we’re pretty hardy. As a species, we’ve made it through a lot. We can take a lot, Spock. You should give us more credit,” he said lightly, letting his lips curl up ever so slightly.

Spock looked at Jim, “I did not intend –”

Jim waved him off, keeping his hand to himself instead of putting it back on Spock’s shoulder, “No hard feelings here. I get it, Spock. You could easily hurt us. I _get_ it.” Jim’s heart felt like it was twisting. He forced the smile to stay on his face, “Uhura will get it too. You’ll be okay, Spock.”

Spock seemed to relax. “Thank you, Jim. I appreciate your words.”

“No problem, Spock. No problem at all.”

“I would also appreciate further clarification. Can you elaborate on your earlier point that humans sometimes sing when they are scared?”

Jim brightened, “Oh, man, Spock –I have so many great gaming videos to show you. There are these things called video games, and you used to have to play them on tvs or computers, and some people recorded themselves playing for other people to watch, and some of them are pure _gold_.”

\---

A week passed.

A week where Jim frantically tried to convince McCoy to tell him everything he knew about Vulcan telepathy.

“I just know it’s through touch, Jim, like I told you every other time you asked.”

“But, like, does clothing affect it?”

“I don’t –do I look like a Vulcan to you?”

“Bones, you’re a doctor, you gotta know something.”

“I’m a _human_ doctor, not a Vulcan one!” McCoy sighed, “This being Earth, they aren’t really big on teaching you about the inner workings of other species.”

Jim stared at him with puppy-dog eyes until McCoy sighed heavily and said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

\---

“Next lesson: humans need to feel needed and/or wanted in romantic relationships. Really, any kind of relationship, but particularly romantic ones. We’ve touched on this briefly before, but I figured we should dedicate some more time to it.”

Spock furrowed his brow, “How does one establish a feeling of need?”

“Well, a bunch of different ways. You can tell the person you missed them when they weren’t with you. You can give them presents –little things that made you think of them when you saw it, you know? You can listen to them, ask about their day, show them that you want to be involved in their day-to-day life.”

“You seem to be describing a friendship.”

“I mean,” Jim paused before nodding, “technically, a romantic relationship should include all of the elements of a friendship. You should be friends with the person you’re dating. So, yeah, you’re right. But romantic relationships… they have deeper emotion involved, I guess. Like, you’re friends with that person, but you also want to spend the rest of your life with that person, and you’re sleeping with them and whatever. Having sex, I mean. Though, that part’s not really required.”

“Sex is not required.”

“No, not really. Most humans like to have sex with their romantic partners, but not all humans,” Jim shrugged.

“What occurs during human mating cycles if a human does not desire sexual congress?”

“Mating cycles? Humans don’t have… wait.” Jim’s eyes got huge, feeling something click into place, “Does that mean Vulcans have mating cycles?” It made sense that Spock would assume other species had mating cycles if his own did.

Spock stiffened, sitting impossibly taller. “I must depart.”

“No –no no nonono, Spock, I’m sorry, please sit back down, I won’t dig. Geez, you’re touchy about that.”

“I am not touchy.”

Jim sighed. Spock was still standing, so he stood up too. “Not touchy meaning you like to be touched, but touchy meaning sensitive.”

“I am not sensitive either.”

Jim stared at Spock flatly, “You were just about to hightail it outta here because you let it slip that Vulcans have mating cycles. You were about to leave _your own_ _apartment_.”

“I did not confirm or deny the existence of Vulcan mating cycles.”

“Okay, Spock,” Jim said. “Whatever makes you feel better. Now, c’mon, sit down again, have something to eat. I won’t ask about it anymore.”

Spock settled back on the couch and Jim retreated to the kitchen, mind reeling. Spock just let something huge slip, Jim knew.

“I won’t tell anyone,” Jim called while he made tea. At some point over the past month of doing these lessons, Jim became very comfortable in Spock’s apartment. “You can trust me.”

Spock turned so that Jim could see his profile. “I know, Jim,” he breathed.

Jim returned to the couch with two mugs of tea. He pulled cookies out of his bag to share with Spock.

“Jim, may I ask you a question.”

“Yeah,” Jim responded. “You don’t have to ask if you can ask me a question, you know.”

Spock nodded, “Have you ever had a romantic relationship like what you are teaching me currently?”

Jim froze for just a moment before seemingly forcing himself loose again. “Well… no,” he admitted.

“May I ask why?”

Jim sighed and rubbed his hands together. “Well, Spock… there’s a few reasons why,” he started awkwardly. He sighed again. “I haven’t found the right person, for starters. And, I guess, I feel like it’d be kinda hard to? I’m kinda famous almost, so a lot of people feel like they already know me based on what they see in the media, which is just not entirely…”

He shook his head slowly, “It’s not easy… And after Tarsus IV, I… People don’t stick around for me, Spock. There’s too much baggage,” Jim smiled bitterly, “I’m sure it’s just a problem for me, though –you shouldn’t worry about it. People will stay for you.”

“Jim,” Spock started.

“It’s fine, Spock,” Jim said all too quickly. “Don’t worry about it –Uhura’s gonna fall all over you.” Jim stood quickly, and grabbed his still-full mug, “I need more tea, do you want anything? No?” He returned to the kitchen, dumping out his mug of tea that he had just made in order to re-make it, to keep his hands busy.

He felt Spock follow behind him, and resolutely chose to ignore him. “Maybe we could order food for dinner? What do you wanna eat?” he asked. His voice was loud.

Spock’s hand settled on his wrist. “Jim,” he said patiently. Jim stilled at the touch. His entire body seemed to slouch, curl in on itself.

“Yeah, Spock,” Jim said, resigned.

Spock spoke from the place where their skin touched, where Jim’s strongest emotions were being painted into Spock’s veins, “There is nothing wrong with or broken in you.”

Jim took a deep breath in, determined to stare at some point down to Spock’s right.

“I wish to remind you that you have many friends who find it easy to care for you. Romantic relationships are not the measure by which you have to compare your life. I apologize for upsetting you with my question.”

Jim was about to deny it, but Spock gently squeezed his wrist before releasing it, and Jim closed his mouth again. (And some deep part of his mind wondered: _does that count as a kiss?_ )

“Thanks, Spock,” he said instead, voice thick. “Food?”

\---

“Please, Bones, have you found anything? _Anything_?”

“Goddammit, Jim, I’m a doctor not a miracle-worker. I’ll let you know when I find something useful. Maybe in the meantime you can look into some sort of advanced xenobiology course, since you’re always fixin’ to show off your intellect.”

\---

“Humans are really fucking weird when it comes to sex, gender, and sexualities.”

Spock blinked at Jim, “Please elaborate.”

“So, anatomy –are you familiar with human anatomy? Penis, vagina, everything in between?”

Spock looked at Jim, “I have learned about human anatomy, including intersex conditions. It is not significantly different from Vulcan physiology.”

“Alright, so when a human is born, doctors look at them and decide if they’re a boy or girl based on their genitalia, which isn’t always the best prediction tool. Case in point: me,” Jim shrugged. “And then, as the kid grows up, they learn how they see themselves, and they figure out whether or not their mental gender matches up with the gender society sees them as.”

“And yours did not?” Spock questioned.

“No,” Jim said, “It didn’t.”

Spock remained silent, waiting.

Jim shrugged, “I was fine with my body –I’m still fine with it, actually. It was the… being recognized by everyone else as a girl… it felt weird. Wrong. The name and pronouns… My whole life it felt wrong. When I was really young, I would ask people to use gender neutral language for me instead of feminine, because it felt better. Then I realized that what felt best was being recognized as a boy. The only reason I got top surgery and HRT was so that the whole Federation would see me that way, and I wouldn’t have to keep fighting for it all the time.”

“And that has worked?”

“I mean, yeah,” Jim said. “Some people were shitty about it until I legally changed my name, and even after that, but for the most part, people accepted it as soon as I came out to the press. Humans have come a long way in terms of accepting trans people –really, people of any gender or sexuality. Which is another thing kids figure out as they’re growing up –who they’re attracted to sexually or romantically. How familiar are you with human sexualities?”

Spock blinked at him. Jim took his silence as confusion and continued, “Heterosexual is attraction to different gender, homosexual is same gender attraction, bisexual is similar and different genders, pansexual is regardless of gender, asexual is no sexual attraction.”

“I see,” Spock nodded. “Vulcans do not have these categories. I suppose Vulcans could fall within those definitions, if you wished to define Vulcans in human terms.”

Jim looked intrigued. Spock must have read it on his face, because he continued, “Vulcans have not cared so much about gender and attraction as humans have. My culture put much more emphasis on mental compatibility than on sexual attraction.”

“Mental compatibility,” Jim repeated. “Is that because of your telepathy?”

“In a way,” Spock said tightly, and Jim knew by his tone that he would say no more about that specific topic. Instead, he changed subjects, “However, with the loss of Vulcan, more emphasis is being placed on relationships from which children can be born, in order to sustain our species.”

“That makes sense,” Jim agreed, mentally wincing at the reminder that Vulcans were basically critically endangered. “And that’s a great segue into a discussion about sex.”

Jim continued after Spock nodded in affirmation of the subject change, “Okay, so as we recall from an earlier conversation, humans do not have mating cycles,” Jim looked at Spock, whose lips tightened slightly but otherwise showed no outward distress. Jim continued, “Generally, though, humans enjoy having sexual encounters. These can occur within romantic relationships or outside of them, it depends on the person and their own comfort level. Meanwhile, some people judge other people for how much or how little sex they have, how they have sex, and who they have it with –it doesn’t really make sense, so you shouldn’t even try to understand it.”

Spock merely nodded in response.

Jim pulled out a padd from his bag. Why was his heart beating so fast? “So, since humans mostly have sex for pleasure or procreation, here’s a chart of human erogenous zones. They’re pretty similar across genders, but also vary person-to-person, you know?”

“The neck is an erogenous zone?” Spock questioned.

“For some people, yes.”

Spock stared at the padd. Jim felt the need to keep talking.

“Erogenous zones are really important, at least to humans, because it makes sex more pleasurable. A lot of people just think in terms of private parts when it comes to sex –focusing mostly on the chest area and genitalia. But to have really good foreplay, you need to bring in the erogenous zones. And foreplay is important because it gets everyone’s body prepared for sex. But I’m sure you know what sex is and how it works.”

Spock paused, “I know how it works.”

His tone set off warning lights in Jim’s head, and Jim was already so flustered that he couldn’t stop himself.

“Spock,” he started carefully, “I know you said you haven’t experienced a romantic relationship before, which is why we’re doing these lessons or whatever… but you’ve had sex before, right?”

Spock looked at Jim, “No, I have not.”

“That’s fine,” Jim rushed to assure, not allowing any more awkwardness to settle into this conversation. “It’s not a huge deal, I just wanted to know, I guess.”

“It is not logical to feel shame about not experiencing sexual intercourse.”

“Right, no, you shouldn’t feel ashamed or whatever.”

“I do not.”

“It’s not a huge deal,” Jim continued. “Some people don’t have sex until after they’re married to someone, because they feel it’s important to wait. Some people don’t feel the need to have sex at all. Other people have a lot of sex before marriage, because they might not think it’s significant. They’re all valid options.”

“You are in the latter group?” Spock questioned.

Jim nodded, “I like having sex. I don’t consider it a major life event like some people. It’s just having fun.”

“In Vulcan culture, sexual behavior is not seen as illogical. Similarly to eating, if your body has a need, one should tend to it. My lack of… practice was primarily due to my own choice.” Spock looked back to the padd he still held in his hands, “Do you believe Nyota would prefer an experienced partner?”

Sweet Jesus, Jim was not equipped to deal with this.

“I don’t know, Spock,” Jim admitted. “But,” _no nononono, Jim, stop talking_ , “if you want to, you can always use me as research.”

Spock did not look up from the padd. In fact, he seemed rather frozen in place.

“I mean, if you want to learn about pleasing and pleasuring her, then I’m basically the perfect test subject. Sex isn’t a big deal to me, and you get more experience with it all. I don’t experience any dysphoria around it either, so…” Jim shrugged.

Maybe if he made it seem like no big deal, then it wouldn’t be. “It’s just learning, Spock. It doesn’t actually mean anything. We can talk about it later, if you want. In the meantime, I can send you some articles about the history of LGBTQ+ communities on Earth, so you can better understand why we humans sometimes put so much emphasis on sexualities.”

\---

Jim buried his face in his hands and groaned.

“I’m an idiot, Bones. And I fucked up. I fucked up _a lot_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For people who are wondering, there are actually gaming videos that show people singing when they're scared. Here's one:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGgNmSYgq0Y  
> (starting at 9:53, again at 12:50, again at 14:43)
> 
> I'd love to hear your comments!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the rating change!!!

Jim’s heart was racing on Tuesday when he headed to the library. He was partially hoping that someone would distract him from being able to enter, or that lightning would strike him and he would have a valid excuse for not showing up.

He didn’t know if he could face Spock after his offer.

“Get your shit together, Jim,” he muttered to himself, taking in a deep breath before he opened the library doors.

He saw Spock sitting at their table, and thought he might die.

Instead, he approached and prayed he didn’t vomit. “Hey, Spock, how’s it going?”

“Hello, Jim. My work is adequate. Do you find yourself prepared for our fall break?”

“Oh,” Jim blinked, “Yeah, I forgot about it, actually. For what used to be Thanksgiving?”

“I am not familiar with old Terran holidays. It begins in two weeks.”

“We’ll have to talk about it in one of our lessons,” oh dear god why did Jim have to remind Spock about the lessons?  He ploughed on, “The break will be nice. It’ll be good to catch up a bit. You planning on doing a lot with your extra time?” (Did his voice sound normal? Was he talking too fast?)

“I would prefer to not let this extra time go to waste. I may establish a new experiment that I can conduct during those days.”

“That’s a good idea, Spock,” Jim grinned. “I’ll probably catch up on my sleep and get a head start on my papers that are due at the end of the semester.”

“You are not returning home?”

“Nah,” Jim said with a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes, “I’ll stay here instead, find some turkey and mashed potatoes somewhere.”

Spock nodded in response, and Jim bent his head over his work. He could feel Spock continuing to stare at him.

He looked back up. Spock wasn’t even flustered to be found staring.

“You okay, Spock?”

“Jim, I would like to discuss what you offered –”

“Not-Professor Spock, can we ask you a question?”

The voice came from behind Jim, and he had to fight in order stay still (and not flinch at their voices, or worse, throw them out of the library to hear what Spock’s next words would have been). His heart felt like it was lodged in his throat.

Three students hovered near the table, waiting for Spock’s response.

“It is not the best time –”

“We won’t take much of your time –but it’s a question that has to do with the test tomorrow.”

Spock glanced at Jim before looking back to his students, “Very well.”

They were still not done thirty minutes later.

“Cadet, you seem to be forgetting that spacetime is curved, and thus, the solution to this problem cannot be a straight line,” Spock was explaining around the time that Jim started packing up his stuff.

“You are leaving?” Spock asked, and for a moment Jim hesitated when he looked Spock in the eye.

But, honestly, Jim couldn’t continue to sit through this. “You all clearly need some time to go over these topics, and I’m really just getting in the way. It’s alright, Spock, we’ll catch up later.”

Spock’s lips tightened, but he nodded. “Very well.”

As soon as Jim vacated his chair, the students swarmed the table and proceeded to take up Spock’s free time.

And Jim wasn’t sure if he should feel angry that Spock wasn’t able to talk to him about the offer, or if he should feel relieved.

\---

Instead of feeling either angry or relieved, he just felt anxious.

That anxiety propelled him into Thursday evening.

Shockingly, he arrived at the library before Spock. He unpacked his bag and set to work, intent on distracting himself until Spock showed up. But he found he couldn’t focus. Fifteen minutes passed, and another, and another.

Where was Spock?

After an hour of attempting to get work done, his padd ding-ed.

_Jim,_

_I apologize for my absence from the library. I will be unable to join you tonight, as I have been detained unexpectedly by a fellow cadet’s experiment detonating in the labs. I apologize for the inconvenience._

Jim blinked, reread the message, and then shot a quick one back.

_Are you okay? Do you need help?_

Two minutes passed before he got a response.

_I am well, and no one was hurt, though the cadet is extremely distressed. I have become essential in both the cleaning efforts as well as the deliberations on how to proceed. You do not need to upset your schedule to assist here. We have it “under control,” as you say._

Jim ran a hand through his hair, smiling slightly at Spock’s wording. He had been hoping for some sort of resolution tonight. For Spock to either tell him to shove it or for Spock to shove _him_ onto a bed. Or against a wall. Or over a desk.

His padd ding-ed again.

_Jim,_

_Although I cannot come to the library tonight, I would appreciate if we could keep our usual Saturday arrangement this week. Is this amenable?_

Jim froze, heart pounding.

His hands were shaking while he tapped out a response.

_Sure, Spock. Your place as usual._

Spock’s response came quickly. _It is much appreciated._

Jim sat and stared at his padd.

And stared.

“Fuck,” he whispered while he packed his bag, and left the library.

\---

McCoy entered Jim’s room with little to no warning.

“So I finally found a book,” he began.

“Oh thank god,” Jim breathed from his bed.

“It’s like thirty years old –before Vulcan was destroyed when they were a little more willing to talk about themselves and their culture. There’s only one chapter specifically on Vulcans. But it does have one paragraph on their telepathy –here, I marked it for you,” McCoy threw the padd at Jim.

He caught it. It was a book on the physiology of the major species within the Federation, and the padd was open to the chapter McCoy mentioned, with the paragraph highlighted.

_Telepathy is the communication of one mind with another. The Vulcan species are touch telepaths. This means that Vulcans need physical contact in order to communicate with the mind of another being who is not their mate or family member. Brief touches allow surface thoughts and emotions through, while the Vulcan mind meld provides a deeper communication between beings. To preserve privacy in psy-null species, Vulcans maintain a number of mental shields to block the reception of outside emotions and thoughts._

“A Vulcan _mind_ meld?” Jim read out loud. “That’s what a meld is? A _mind_ meld?”

“It’s the only place in that book where a meld is mentioned. I’m assuming that’s what Spock was talking about when he said it to you.”

“A meld can’t be… it’s not just like,” Jim mimed his hands coming together, “that’d be ridiculous, right? Two minds can’t just mix together, right? Is that telepathically possible?”

“Jim, I’m a doctor, not a damn telepathic expert.” McCoy paused, “But if that were possible, I’m pretty sure it’d be one of the strongest forms of telepathy in the Federation.”

“That gives me no answers. It actually gives me more questions.” Jim sighed, held up the padd, “Thanks for this, Bones.”

“I think that’s as good as it’s gonna get, Jim.”

“Yeah. I figured.”

\---

Jim’s hands were shaking again as he stood outside of Spock’s apartment.

This was it.

He rang the buzzer, and Spock buzzed him in immediately. When Jim entered, he found Spock in the kitchen, making tea.

“Please sit, Jim. I will be with you in a moment.”

Jim shrugged off his bag and sat, leg bouncing nervously. “How’d that explosion go on Thursday?”

“The cadet’s experiment received too much oxygen, and they did not deplete it in time, thus resulting in a minor detonation. The cadet was more concerned about their grade than anything else. We have worked it out with the professor, though it did take up more time than I expected. I apologize for my absence at the library.”

“No problem, Spock. I totally understand.”

Spock came around and gave Jim a mug of tea before sitting down with his own cradled in his hands.

“I do have a lesson to talk about today, but, uh… maybe…”

“I would prefer if we could first discuss what you offered last week before continuing on to any lessons.”

Jim felt a little like he was choking. “Sure, Spock. We can discuss that. What specifically did you want to discuss?” (He noticed, embarrassingly, that his voice was pitching a bit higher in his anxiety.)

“Did you mean it, Jim?” Spock asked.

“Did I mean it?”

“I have found that sometimes humans will say things without intending them to be taken seriously, or that humans will speak in hyperbole. I wish to verify your intentions.”

Jim swallowed, “No, Spock –I mean yeah. I meant it. Like I said before, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just… learning.”

Spock nodded, “In that case, I would like to accept your offer.”

Jim stopped breathing momentarily.

Spock continued, “I have found it to be logical to continue learning human customs from you, even if they are of a physical nature. As you said, it is a learning experience.” Spock said. Jim nodded. “We should have some discussion about expectations and the like, if that is agreeable for you.”

“Yep, that’s agreeable,” Jim said, proud of how his voice didn’t shake. His stomach clenched (in anticipation? Holy _shit_ Spock just agreed to have sex with him!)

( _Holy shit Spock just agreed to have sex with him._ )

“Foremost, I trust that this will be met with a certain level of discretion.”

“Obviously I’m not going to go around blabbing to the whole campus about this, Spock,” Jim scoffed. “Meanwhile, on the topic of discretion and privacy, let’s talk about your telepathy and how that will work with this.”

“Of course,” Spock was almost infuriatingly calm about all of this, and Jim wanted so badly to make him lose his cool. “I have certain established mental shields in order to safeguard your privacy, as well as other human’s privacies. However, these shields are not absolute, and the strongest emotions will overcome them to some degree. I am assuming that during sexual intercourse, your strongest emotions would be related to pleasure and desire –something that would be obvious even to a psy-null species. If this is unacceptable to you, then we should agree to not establish these new lessons.”

“Only the strongest emotions?” Jim questioned. “You won’t read any deeper than that?”

“To take your emotions and thoughts without your consent is an anathema. The shields are in place so that a deeper connection cannot happen even by mistake. I will do everything in my power to protect your privacy, Jim.”

Jim considered this. He looked at Spock, who stared back at him in silence.

Only the strongest emotions.

A crush wasn’t that strong. And Spock was already expecting some level of desire to be present.

So…

“Okay. It’s a deal,” Jim agreed. “When do you wanna start?”

“As you have already told me that this will not cause you any mental distress, I see no reason to wait. If you are willing, we can start today.”

Jim’s heart was racing. “Today? We –we need supplies, though.”

“I have both condoms and lubricant,” Spock said. “I obtained a variety of each, because I did not know what you preferred. I am also on a male form of contraception, which I began prior to my arrival on Earth, if you are concerned the condoms will fail.”

Jim blinked. Spock had already taken his preferences into consideration? (Holy shit holy shit _holyshitthiswashappening_.)

“Okay, just wait a second, we should go over some more stuff,” Jim muttered, grabbing his padd and pulling up a chart. He gave it to Spock, “Basic anatomy –this is the vaginal area, even though on the outside it’s actually vulva and labia and whatever and the inside is the vagina. Humans in general just refer to the whole thing as the vagina even though it’s not the right term for it –”

“As I told you before, I have already learned about human anatomy, Jim. It is not significantly different from Vulcan physiology.” Spock had barely even glanced at the padd, and was instead staring at Jim.

Jim sighed, “Right.” He took the padd back, looking down at it. “So, sex isn’t always just about pleasure, but pleasure is definitely a plus, so we could talk about orgasms.”

“Again, I have already learned about human physiology.”

Jim looked at Spock, his gaze fierce. If that’s how Spock wanted to handle things, then fine.

“Okay, Spock,” he said, deceptively calm voice while his heart was thundering in his chest. “Show me what you’ve got.”

Spock stood fluidly and strode towards the bedroom. Jim followed him.

Jim felt the tight curl of anticipation in his gut. This was thrilling and terrifying and so many other things. Sex was fun, he reminded himself. They both wanted this. Jim was helping Spock get experience so that he could get the girl. Jim did this a stupid amount of times with any number of beings –human and non-human –so it didn’t have to mean anything.

It definitely wouldn’t mean anything.

( _This was such a terrible idea._ )

Spock turned to him as soon as he entered the bedroom. His hands were folded behind his back. Jim stopped just past the threshold and waited.

And waited.

Finally, Spock brought one hand forward, two fingers extended towards Jim. He seemed to be holding his breath while he stared at Jim.

Jim breathed in deeply and felt himself relax. He could do this. He mirrored Spock’s movement, bringing his fingers to lightly touch Spock’s. A Vulcan kiss. Jim’s first. (Perhaps Spock’s first too?)

Spock’s shoulder’s lowered slightly, and Jim took this as an invitation to crowd in close to Spock, and kiss him the human way too.

Jim brushed his lips against Spock’s, knowing that Spock would need to get used to the feeling of it. In the meantime, he ran his fingers down Spock’s, unsure on the Vulcan side of things and deciding to make it up a little bit.

He ran two fingers down the front of Spock’s and then up again. The next time he trailed his fingers down, he caressed Spock’s knuckles, lingering on each one. Finally, he grasped Spock’s hand in his own, tangling their fingers together and pressing down on his knuckles.

Spock gasped sharply and Jim felt a thrill run through his body.

He grinned, “You _did_ lie all those weeks ago,” he murmured into Spock’s mouth. “Your hands are super sensitive.”

Spock grabbed Jim’s hand, stilling his movements, “Vulcans do not lie. I am capable of completing average tasks throughout the day. However,” he paused, “my sense of touch seems to be… heightened in more intimate settings.”

Jim’s eyes lit up, “Because they’re super sensitive for sexy fun times.” He stroked at Spock’s knuckles again, changing from solid pressure to something much softer and light.

Spock grabbed Jim’s hip with his free hand. Jim, for a moment, worried his hand-caressing had been a misstep, but realized it definitely was _not_ when he saw Spock’s eyes. His pupils were blown wide, and Jim felt _ecstatic_.

He grinned widely, “Tell me again how Vulcan hands aren’t sensitive?”

Spock pushed Jim backwards until he was pressed against the wall. “You are infuriating,” Spock murmured, close to Jim’s ear.

“I’m so proud of your feeling language,” Jim chuckled, pressing his body against Spock’s as much as physically possible. Spock’s grip on his hip tightened and he nearly sighed against Jim’s neck. Jim smiled even more.

“Maddening,” he breathed as he kissed Jim’s neck. “Absolutely exasperating. You should not be so delighted by this.” 

Jim arched against Spock, giving him more access to his neck. Fucking erogenous zones. “But, Spock,” he breathed, “my lessons are clearly making an impact. That would make any teacher pr –”

Spock shut Jim up by kissing him again, and Jim gladly acquiesced.

The front of Spock’s body was flush against Jim’s, and Jim could feel Spock hard against his thigh. Jim wrapped his arms around Spock, sneaking his hands up under his shirt to touch warm, inviting skin, melting into the human kiss.

“Off,” Jim said, tugging at the shirt. “Off.”

Spock stepped back immediately and Jim swayed towards him before he realized that Spock was doing what Jim had said. Spock was taking off his shirt. Spock was _taking off his –_

“Oh, fuck yes,” Jim grinned, stepping forward into Spock, unable to keep his hands off of the broad expanse of skin. “Pants next.”

Spock squinted even as Jim wiggled his fingers under the waistband of his pants, “You should listen to your own suggestions, Jim.”

Jim paused and then smiled wider, “Make me.” He tugged on Spock’s pants lightly.

And then, in the next second, Spock had thrown Jim over his shoulder and started moving towards the bed. Jim shrieked with laughter, “This is _not_ what I meant, Spock – _oof_ –” He bounced as Spock dropped him onto the mattress.

Before Jim could even sit up, Spock had divested him of his pants in one fluid motion. He then bracketed Jim’s legs with his own, leaning over him to remove Jim’s shirt as well.

“Satisfied?” Spock questioned, one eyebrow raised as he deposited Jim’s shirt on the floor.

“You _tease_ ,” Jim scoffed, grabbing Spock and pulling him down for another kiss. Jim arched up into Spock’s body and was immediately gratified by Spock rolling his hips against Jim’s. “Your pants,” Jim gasped. “Now.”

Spock stepped back off the bed again, and Jim leaned up on his elbows to watch. Spock was beautiful and unabashed –he stared straight at Jim as he removed his pants.

Jim made grabby hands at Spock, who immediately returned to hover over Jim’s body. His hands skirted lightly over Jim’s chest and waist, moving lightly over the scars just above the center of Jim’s chest.

“My nipples aren’t super sensitive because of my top surgery, but some people’s are, so you could do something like this –” Jim scratched his nails lightly down Spock’s chest, tugging at his nipples, and Spock gasped sharply in response. Jim did it again for good measure, eyes alight.

“Enough,” Spock panted. He took Jim’s hands and held them down above Jim’s head, keeping him from exploring Spock’s body further. And Spock watched as Jim’s pupils dilated in response to his show of control.

Curious.

Spock’s interest was diverted by Jim thrusting his hips into Spock’s again, arching his back and panting softly. Spock curled his free hand on Jim’s waist, stroking down to his hip and then up to the light scars on his chest again and again, sometimes scratching over his stomach, just above the waistband of his underwear (another erogenous zone, he knew.)

“ _Fuck_ , Spock, come on,” Jim whispered against his mouth. His wrists strained against Spock’s hand. “At least let me touch you too.”

As soon as Spock released his hands, Jim grabbed onto Spock’s waist, intent on mirroring Spock’s own movements on his body. But then he paused, pulled his head away so he could look at Spock with some confusion.

“Your heartbeat is really strong right here,” he said, tapping his hand on Spock’s side.

“That is due to the fact that my heart is located there,” Spock huffed. “Is it customary to speak so much when engaged in foreplay with your partner?”

Jim laughed, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll shut up now,” and he kissed Spock again.

The next time Jim lifted his hips, he used the leverage to flip their positions on the bed, so that he was straddling Spock’s hips and Spock was under him and _holy shit_ this was _awesome._

“I believe you used that same maneuver on me when we sparred last semester,” Spock commented. And if his eyes weren’t still dilated as fuck and his voice strained (and his dick hard), Jim would almost believe this wasn’t having any effect on him.

“Yeah,” Jim grinned. “Pretty sure I also told you that one day I would pin you for at least a minute too, and now look at us.” Jim used his position to grind his hips over Spock’s, dragging slowly over Spock’s entire length.

Spock breathed harshly at the friction, “I am sure this is not exactly what you meant. Also it has not yet been a full minute.”

Jim laughed as Spock flipped them so Jim was once again on his back, and Spock was hovering over him. But instead of continuing to kiss and grind, Spock moved down Jim’s body, so he was kneeling between Jim’s legs. He pulled Jim’s underwear down and off of his body, and Jim’s breath hitched as Spock stared at him.

Jim was about to say something (anything) when Spock trailed a hand up the inside of his thigh, and all that came out of Jim’s mouth was a strangled moan. He unconsciously spread his legs apart, attempting to invite more of Spock’s touch.

Cautiously, Spock ran one shaking finger over Jim’s sex, from his vagina up to his clit, and Jim couldn’t fucking breathe he wanted Spock so badly.

“ _Please_ ,” he whined when Spock did it again.

Spock did not respond. Instead, he took a bottle of lubricant from the bedside table and poured a bit on his hand before replacing it. He slid one long finger inside Jim, and Jim bucked up into it, hands twisted in the sheets as Spock repeated the motion again and again.

Jim gasped for breath when Spock slipped in another finger and moved them both in and out. And when Spock pushed his thumb up against Jim’s clit, timed perfectly on a thrust in, he just about wailed.

“ _Please_ , Spock –fuck –how are you –this is your _first time_ –” Jim cut off on a moan as Spock used his other hand to hold his hips down and continued thrusting in and out with his fingers. Jim grabbed Spock’s hand on his hip, his other hand grasping at sheets.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jim panted, eventually running shaking fingers over Spock’s. Spock gasped at the sensations, and Jim managed to say, “Condom.”

Spock nodded, removing his hands from Jim (and Jim absolutely did _not_ whine) and retrieved a condom. He removed his underwear and Jim stared at him. At his dick. At his glorious Vulcan dick. (And maybe Jim _did_ whine just then.)

Spock raised an eyebrow at his noise. Jim ignored this and mentally swore to himself that next time he would swallow Spock down until Spock lost his carefully-crafted composure.

(Wait, _next time_? They never agreed to a –)

Spock got back onto the bed and pulled Jim’s body to his own, and Jim was _so_ fucking turned on by Spock’s manhandling, he almost couldn’t bear it.

“Jim, are you adequately prepared?” Spock asked as he put the condom on.

“Fuck, yes, Spock, as if you couldn’t tell –” Jim cut off in a loud groan as Spock sunk into him, easily sliding to the hilt. Spock paused, breathing hard with his eyes shut. Jim gave him a moment before squeezing around him, causing Spock to make a choked-off noise. Jim did it again.

“C’mon, Spock,” he groaned softly. He planted his feet on the bed and raised his hips, rocking into Spock’s. “Let’s go.”

Spock raised his head, kissed Jim on the mouth, and then rolled his hips and _goddamn that felt good_.

Jim met Spock thrust for thrust, tilting his hips invitingly. And there was _almost_ enough friction in this position, but not quite enough and he wished Spock could just –

Spock abruptly sat up, pulled Jim’s hips into his lap, and splayed one hand low on Jim’s belly, both holding him down and using his thumb to push near Jim’s clit on every thrust, and Jim thought he was going to die.

“ _Fuck_ , _Spock_ –” he groaned, arching and grasping at sheets. He could feel himself tensing, preparing to fall apart and dear god he hoped Spock was close too.

Jim froze when his orgasm hit him, muscles tightening and squeezing, and Spock kept going, breathing raggedly. He moved his hand to Jim’s hip and Jim moaned every time Spock pushed into him, feeling sensitive and overwhelmed but _good_ as he spasmed in the aftershocks.

Finally, Spock froze, burying his face in Jim’s shoulder as he climaxed with a groan. Jim embraced him, gasping lightly as Spock’s hips rocked against his three more times before he was done.

They stayed there, panting into each other as they came down from their respective highs. And this was nice, Jim thought. He lightly caressed Spock’s back as their heart rates returned to baseline, and Jim found himself smiling.

When Spock prepared to move, Jim piped up, “Grab the end of the condom before you pull out.” Spock did as he was told, and Jim tried not to shiver when his fingers ghosted around where they were connected.

Spock pulled out and removed the condom, and then looked at Jim almost questioningly (Spock would, of course, deny this.) Jim wordlessly took the condom, tied the end of it, and dropped it off the bed.

“That is unsanitary,” Spock said.

“Lay back down, Spock,” Jim responded, settling onto the bed comfortably. He patted the space next to him, “C’mon, I won’t bite.”

Spock squinted at Jim in response, but did as Jim asked. Jim wriggled around until he was on his side, facing Spock without touching him.

“So, how was your first time?” Jim asked.

Spock turned his head to look at Jim, “It was more than acceptable, Jim.”

Jim grinned, “Oh, more than acceptable –what a high compliment.” Spock opened his mouth to retort but Jim waved him off, “I’m just teasing, Spock. I’m glad you liked it. It didn’t really seem like you needed a lot of direction. You probably would’ve done just fine without the experience.”

“I found it quite easy to read your needs and desires during the encounter.”

“To read…” Jim blinked before flopping onto his back and staring at the ceiling, “You’re saying you cheated with your telepathy. _That’s_ why you were so good, oh my fucking god.”

“You were fully aware of my touch telepathy before we engaged in intercourse. It was not cheating.”

“You said you’d only get the strongest emotions.”

“I did. However, some of your emotions were desires, like when you wanted me to stimulate your clitoris in order for you to achieve orgasm. You were quite easy to read.”

“About that –orgasms –it probably won’t be so easy all the time.” Jim swallowed but soldiered on, “When you have sex with other people –with Uhura, for instance. Because I’m on testosterone, my clit and vagina and everything are… more sensitive. So it’s kinda easy for me to come, and it might not be for other people.”

“I see,” Spock said, nodding. “I expect that if I am able to feel my partner’s desire as I was yours, it may not be excessively difficult in the future.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Jim agreed, suddenly glad he didn’t have to look at Spock anymore. He shouldn’t be so disappointed. It’s not like they agreed this would happen more than once. (And yet Jim was still a little sad that he hadn’t even gotten to touch Spock’s dick, let alone suck it.)

“Is it customary to lie naked in bed with your partner after coitus?” Spock questioned.

Jim closed his eyes and pushed his disappointment away, “It depends. For one-night-stands, not so much. You basically finish and then leave. But in a romantic relationship, there’s usually some intense cuddling involved afterwards, and sleeping, probably. We’re somewhere in the middle of that, so here we are.”

They were comfortably silent. Jim kept his eyes closed, regulating his breathing. Spock stared at the ceiling.

“Jim,” Spock spoke softly. Jim looked over at him. “What was the lesson you prepared for today?”

Jim laughed, “Let’s get dressed first, alright? Lemme go to the bathroom, and I’ll meet you in the living room.”

“Very well,” Spock agreed before rising from the bed. Jim found that he could not stop staring at Spock as he collected his clothes from around the room. He was so graceful and so _naked_ and Jim couldn’t help but stare.

(Spock’s _ass_ , though –he hadn’t even been able to _grab Spock’s ass_!)

Spock, in the meantime, had also collected Jim’s clothes from around the room and Jim still hadn’t moved from the bed. He stood in front of Jim completely naked and unashamed, holding out Jim’s clothing that he had stripped off not thirty minutes prior.

Spock tilted his head at Jim, “Jim, are you admiring me?”

“Nope,” Jim immediately claimed, grabbing his clothes and all but jumping off the bed. “Not at all, Spock.” He darted out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and breathing deep.

Fuck.

_Fuck._

( _They had fucked_.)

Jim carded his hands through his hair, rubbed his face, and sighed. Fuck. They had fucked. They had fucked and Spock was a _goddamn telepathic pro at it_. And Jim knew this experience would fuel his personal fantasies for a long fucking time.

Fuck.

He pissed and got dressed again, trying to ignore the scent of sweat and sex that clung to his skin. He left the bathroom to find Spock already seated on the couch, back straight like always, patiently waiting for Jim to return. As if nothing had happened at all. As if he hadn’t been _inside Jim_ not fifteen minutes ago.

( _Fuck._ )

(It didn’t mean anything it didn’t mean anything _itdidn’tmeananything_ )

“I have reheated our tea, as it became cold while we were otherwise occupied,” Spock said as Jim sat down.

“Thanks, Spock,” Jim said. He picked the mug up, content to just hold onto it and let the warmth seep into his hands. “So the next lesson in Humans 101. It’s not really… I mean, I wasn’t expecting to have sex with you today, so it kinda ruins the mood a bit. Sorry. Technically, it’s the very first lesson –people are shitty. Obviously not always, but it’s still true enough. I know I’ve said it to you before, but I never really explained it.

“People are shitty because they get scared of people and beings that are different from them. This is true for most of the Earth’s history, and is really the root of every form of oppression there is. Sexism, racism, heterosexism –all of it is rooted in a deep phobia of that which is different. When humans were introduced to alien life, a lot of people didn’t react well. A lot of people still don’t, and it’s because of that fear. That fear makes them act in really shitty ways.

“If you look over human history, we’ve done some really shitty things to each other. And even though we’ve come a long way, marginalized groups remember. Sometimes, people won’t let us forget even if we wanted to.”

Jim sighed, “When you first met me, someone wasn’t letting me forget who I was. That person is now expelled, but other people like them are still in Starfleet, and I know that. I want you to know this about humanity because it’s important, and you need to understand it if you’re gonna date a black woman. Uhura’s dealt with racism and sexism all her life, and you need to be ready to be with her and support her going forward.” Jim shrugged, lifting the mug to his lips, “That’s all.”

They sat in silence.

“I believe it may not be solely a human trait,” Spock said. Jim looked at him, but Spock was staring into the middle-distance. “While I was growing up, I was often reviled by my peers, due to my status as a half-Vulcan. The destruction of our planet did not alter this temperament, and I was still viewed as a half-breed, not worthy of continuing the race.”

“You said it was due to your telepathy being damaged,” Jim said, staring wide eyed. “That’s why they didn’t betroth you to some other little kid Vulcan.”

“I said it was because of the loss of Vulcan, the damage on my telepathy due to the sudden loss of both my mother and Vulcan, as well as my status as half human,” Spock clarified. “I still could have bonded with another Vulcan at an older age. But as the telepathic centers of my brain healed, no one considered it. Plenty of my peers were willing to elaborate as to why.”

“Is that why you’ve never had sex before… before me? Today?”

Spock tilted his head, “Partially. While interacting with humans, I have never felt the need to experiment sexually until quite recently, as you know. However, prior to my time on Earth, I had no choice but to remain celibate. The same peers who refused to bond with me also refused to interact with me outside of an academic setting.”

“Shit, Spock,” Jim breathed. “I didn’t realize it was that bad. I’m sorry.”

“You are not at fault, Jim, thus an apology is unnecessary. Arguably, you have had a similar experience of facing hatred due to who you are as a person. While mine has been focused on my racial genetics, yours focused on your gender.”

“It’s not an ‘I’m sorry’ like I’m at fault, it’s more of an ‘I’m sorry you had to experience that and I couldn’t help’,” Jim explained.

“You are helping now, and that will suffice.”

Jim smiled as Spock took a drink of his tea.

\---

McCoy was pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to breathe normally. “Jim, I gotta ask, are you actually an idiot or do you just thrive on doing really stupid things?”

“It’s _fine_ , Bones. It wasn’t a big deal. He accepted my offer, and now it’s done!”

“The fact you even made the offer _in the first place_ –” McCoy started, shoving a finger towards Jim’s face. He redirected his thoughts and lowered his hand, “Why do you do this to yourself, Jim?”

Jim reclined on his bed, “I have no idea what you mean, Bones.”

“You gotta know that you’re just hurting yourself.”

“I’m fine. Really. Everything is fine. Even Spock is fine. And I understand a little bit more about touch telepathy now.”

“Yeah, I’m so glad that Spock is alright,” McCoy growled. “Bless his heart.” 

Jim sat up, squinting at McCoy. “I know that’s Southern-speak for something else, Bones. Don’t be so rude.”

“I have no idea what you mean, Jim.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first of all, that was the first smut scene I've written for fanfiction, so -screams-
> 
> Secondly, I feel like I gotta provide some of the sources I used for trans sex and other effects of taking hormones as a trans person.
> 
> This source breaks down a lot of common questions about taking T, and verifies that once a person starts testosterone, their clitoris grows in length! (It also gives a lot of other useful information too, which is really cool to read about):  
> https://apps.carleton.edu/campus/gsc/assets/hormones_FTM.pdf
> 
> This one talks a lot about how you don't need a penis to be a man -you can be a man while still having a vagina, and can enjoy sex/masturbation while having a vagina. This one helped me a lot when figuring out how Jim feels about his body.  
> http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2016/9/23/lets-talk-about-sex-trans-men
> 
> This one has also been helpful in determining myths and stereotypes that harm trans people:  
> http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/sexual-guide-for-trans-men/
> 
> And finally, not all trans people have (body) dysphoria:  
> http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/not-all-trans-folks-dysphoria/?utm_content=buffer5b150&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer
> 
> If you have any questions about any of this, please feel free to contact me. I'm more than willing to talk about all of this, and I feel that it's important to be really transparent about my sources/reasoning(s) behind what I write.
> 
> So please let me know what you liked in this chapter and feel free to subscribe. Next chapter will be up in two weeks -after Hanukkah but before Christmas! (So Happy Hanukkah in the meantime!)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter: Gaila.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts and comments on the last chapter. They really meant a lot to me :)
> 
> Also, for this chapter: I know nothing about code, so don't judge too much if you actually know it.

Tuesday found Jim and Spock sitting together at the library as usual. It was the week before Thanksgiving, and Jim felt shocked that things hadn’t really changed between them after they had sex.

(And yet, he was a little sad about it. Even though he said it didn’t mean anything. Because it didn’t.)

Spock was sitting with perfect posture, working on homework he had for three of his classes at the same time (“It is not difficult, Jim,” he had said). Jim was slouched down in his chair, one foot propped up on the side of Spock’s chair across from him, and he was grading exams on his padd.

“What do you think, Spock,” Jim started, “a cadet in that Ferengi class I’m assisting with miswrote a word so it’s actually a completely different word, but they conjugated it correctly even though it’s tricky. Partial credit?”

“I do not give partial credit,” Spock said. “If they were tasked to write one word and did not, then I would mark it as wrong.”

Jim chuckled, “Well, I’m leaning more towards partial credit, I think.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, “If you were already wanting to give partial credit, why did you ask?”

Jim shrugged, “I dunno. Human thing to do, I guess. I’ll add it to the lessons.”

“Mind if we join you?”

Jim looked up to find Uhura and her Orion friend standing near their table, smiling at Spock.

“I do not mind,” Spock replied. “Jim?”

“Nope,” he said, immediately sitting up straight. “Feel free to join us –that’s totally fine.”

“Thanks,” Uhura said, putting her bag down and taking the seat next to Spock. “This is Gaila, my roommate.”

Gaila sat next to Jim. “Hey,” she said with a grin.

“Jim Kirk, pleasure to meet you.”

“My name is Spock.”

Gaila laughed, “Oh I know all about you, honey.”

Jim watched Uhura shoot Gaila a sharp look, which only served to make Gaila smile more.

Before Spock could respond, Jim spoke, “So what are you ladies working on tonight?”

“I have an essay due next week before the break starts that I’m working on,” Uhura supplied.

Gaila followed, “I gotta work on some code for a programming class I’m in.”

Jim perked up, “Code? What are you working on?”

“Well,” Gaila started, leaning into Jim’s space a bit, “my teacher gave us this huge chunk of code –like sixty pages long –and we’ve gotta fix it. We’re expected to find the mistakes that are in there, and then make it better somehow –more succinct, more simple, or whatever.”

“You have your choice of how you fix it?”

“Well, the rest of the class is working on comments, so they have to make it simpler that way. My project is a little different,” she smiled. “I know what the code is supposed to eventually accomplish, but I mostly get to wing it.”

Jim smiled back, “Sounds right up my alley. Can I see?”

“You can see anything you’d like,” she said with a wide grin and a wink. And Jim was momentarily taken aback by her open flirting. It had been a long time since he flirted with anyone, or that anyone flirted with him.

She handed him her padd, making sure that their hands touched, and Jim suddenly thought of Vulcan kisses and Spock.

He looked up. Spock was discussing something softly with Uhura, and wasn’t even paying attention to Jim. And Jim watched as Uhura placed her hand on Spock’s arm (which _was_ covered by his sleeve, but still). Spock let her.

Jim couldn’t breathe.

“Actually,” he said to Gaila, “I can’t look at it right now –the code, I mean. I can’t look at the code right now –I gotta go.”

Gaila looked confused for half a second and then grabbed Jim’s arm as he was pulling away.

“Please don’t leave me to be a third wheel,” she whispered.

Jim paused and stared at her. He nodded.

Turning to face Spock and Uhura, he said, “Hey, we’re gonna take off if that’s alright. We’re gonna grab a bite to eat and look over this code together.”

Uhura frowned, “Gaila, are you sure –”

“Of course, just like he said,” Gaila smiled, grabbing her bag. “Food and code, no ulterior motives here.”

“Spock, I’ll see you later this week?” Jim questioned, eyes focused on his face and definitely not on where Uhura was still touching Spock’s arm. (It wasn’t like she was touching his skin, but it still dismayed Jim.)

“Affirmative, Jim,” Spock said. He stared at Jim with curiosity written all over his face (Spock would deny this, of course, but Jim could read it like a book) and Jim turned away.

Gaila walked out of the library by Jim’s side. She said nothing.

Jim walked a good twenty steps before he remembered her. “So, uh… I’m not actually hungry.”

“I figured,” Gaila shrugged.

“But it wasn’t a euphemism –it wasn’t like some code for having sex or something –”

Gaila laughed at him, “I _know_ that –do you think I’m blind? You obviously have a thing for Spock, you’re not gonna sleep with me.”

Jim stopped walking. “What?” he squeaked.

Gaila waved her hand, “None of that. Don’t you try to bullshit me, I know what I saw _and_ what I smelled.”

“Smelled?!”

“Your pheromones were all over the place when you looked at him, and you looked at him to see if he was looking at you,” she shrugged. “You want him to like you, and your body’s trying to entice him in ways neither of you notice, but _I_ notice these things. It’s part of my genetics.”

“Oh dear god,” Jim said in a rush. “ _Please_ don’t tell Uhura. I’m not trying to get in her way, I’m actually trying to help Spock get with her eventually, if she wants.”

“Dude, you’re good,” Gaila said, motioning for him to keep walking with her. “I’m not gonna tell. If you wanted to get in her way, you wouldn’t have left.” She grinned, “Now, how about you treat me to some food for keeping your secret, we go back to your room, then spend some time looking over my project, no sex involved.”

\---

Gaila and Jim lounged on Jim’s bed. Jim had his head pillowed in Gaila’s lap as he looked over her edits to the code. She brushed her fingers through his hair while he scrolled. (Orions apparently had no personal boundary issues with people considered friends, and Jim was loving it.) 

“That’s a clever fix,” he said, tilting the screen up so she could see where he was pointing. “Very subtle.”

She smiled at him, “Thanks. I’ve found that sometimes being subtle works.”

“So how long have you known Uhura?”

“Not too subtle, that question,” Gaila said with a wink. “We’ve known each other for years, but we really only just met. We were pen pals for a really long time –connected in school because Nyota wanted to learn about different dialects of Orion. When we were older, we both joined Starfleet at different branches –she was at a branch in South Africa and I was here. When she decided to transfer here, I offered to be her roommate.

“So we spend a lot of time together now, but she’s really focused on her classes –specifically her class with the new Not-Professor,” Gaila smirked. “She can’t stop talking about him. Too bad she only goes for the green-blooded folks, not the green-skinned ones.”

Jim sat up, stared at Gaila, “Shit, Gaila, you like her?”

“What’s not to like?” She smiled sadly, looked down, “I’ll buy you a treat next time for keeping my secret.”

“No treat necessary,” Jim said, settling down to rest on her again. “We’ll start a club instead.”

“Perfect,” Gaila agreed, brushing his hair back off his face. “What’ll it be called?”

“F.U.C.K. Folks with Unrequited Crushes on… Kaibigan. Then we can be F.U.C.K. buddies!”

Gaila laughed before asking, “What language is ‘kaibigan’?”

“Filipino,” Jim shrugged. “It means friend. Figured it was appropriate, and it spells the swearword correctly. Technically, for it to be plural –friends instead of friend –it’d need ‘mgá’ in front of it, but that kinda ruins the acronym. We could also just misspell words that are close enough –like colleague or comrade, but with a k instead of a c.”

“How do you know Filipino?”

Jim shrugged, “I picked it up when I was younger. Just some of it, I only knew my teacher for a little while.” It was just after Tarsus, when Jim’s second therapist had realized Jim responded to challenges, and so began teaching him different languages in exchange for shorter therapy sessions (Jim didn’t want to be there in the first place. But it did force him to stay, and talk, and eventually trust the therapist even just a little bit.) “I’ve always found languages somewhat easy. If you can figure out the rules and rhythms, and memorize the most common words or phrases, you’re good to go. People are a bit more difficult.”

“How many languages do you know, Jim?”

“Including coding?” Jim laughed. “Just kidding. I mean… it’s kinda hard to say. I know a lot of random words in a bunch of different languages. I obviously know Standard, I’m alright with some languages that originated in Asia –Chinese, Korean, you know... And if you know one romance language, you practically know them all. I went through a Tellarite phase in my teens –lots of insults and complaining, there. I also taught myself Ferengi over the summer before I got here just to prove a point.”

Gaila stopped brushing his hair, “A number, Jim. How many languages.”

“Uh… speaking fluently? Probably eight or nine. Writing knowledge is probably around fifteen. Reading comprehension might be around twenty five? Give or take a few on all of them.”

“Well,” Gaila sighed in response. “You’re just a regular genius, aren’t you? And why aren’t you going for communications, again?”

Before Jim could respond, McCoy walked in without knocking. “Jim, I think I know someone who can help with your proble –oh, shit, man, sorry, I didn’t know you had a lady friend over –”

“Bones, no, you’re good,” Jim called as McCoy was attempting to leave the room just as suddenly as he appeared. “We’re just hanging out. Gaila, meet Bones. Bones, meet Gaila. She’s a third year. Uhura’s friend. We’re F.U.C.K. buddies,” Jim grinned before shooting a glance at McCoy. “That’s an inside joke, by the way. We’re not actually sleeping together at all.”

McCoy rolled his eyes at Jim, “The name’s Leonard McCoy, not Bones. And if you didn’t already know, you shouldn’t listen to Jim at all.”

“I dunno, he seems pretty smart to me,” Gaila responded.

McCoy groaned, “Don’t say that in front of him. It’ll go right to his head. Move your feet, kid,” he jumped up on the bed and leaned against the wall. Jim immediately stretched out his legs over McCoy’s, who grumbled but didn’t do anything else.

“Who’d you meet then?” Jim asked.

McCoy’s eyes flickered to Gaila before returning to Jim. Jim waved a hand, “It’s all good,” he said. “She knows about my little crush on Spock.”

“But you said she’s Uhura’s friend.”

“Yes,” Gaila agreed. “I’m actually her roommate. But I know how to read people _and_ keep secrets.”

“Well you don’t gotta tell me twice. There’s another doctor here –M’Benga. He studied on Vulcan, so he knows all about them and their culture. I’m hoping to find a way to ask him some questions about the little hobgoblins if I can find a chance.”

“Great!” Jim said, sitting up with a broad smile. “See if you can figure out what a mind meld is exactly, because it sounds terrifying. Or how clothing works with touch telepathy. Or, really, how touch telepathy works in general, I’d love to know the details of it.”

“You’re trying to get information on Vulcans and their culture?” Gaila asked. Jim nodded. “Good luck,” she huffed as her padd made a noise. She picked it up and said, “Oh, it’s Nyota. She wants to make sure I’m okay and that you haven’t done anything.”

“Sounds like she really likes me,” Jim commented.

Gaila laughed, and then slid off the bed, “I should probably head back. Thanks for looking over my code, Jim.”

“Anytime,” Jim nodded. “Good luck with your secret. I’ll see you around, F.U.C.K. buddy.”

Gaila winked, “Next time the food is my treat.”

And when the door shut behind her, Jim found that he was smiling fondly.

\---

Jim dropped his padd on the table. “I need a fucking break.”

Spock looked up from his work at Jim, who sat back with his arms folded over his chest. They had been working in the library for approximately two hours.

Jim continued, “Wanna go for a walk?”

“That would be agreeable,” Spock responded. They gathered their possessions and left the library together. Jim had his hands stuffed in his pockets, his brow furrowed.

“You seem frustrated, Jim.”

Jim shrugged.

They walked in silence together for five minutes.

Eventually, Spock couldn’t repress a shiver. Jim noticed.

“You cold?”

“Vulcans are accustomed to much higher temperatures. I find I am still adapting to the San Francisco climate.”

“Shit, Spock, I’m sorry,” Jim rubbed his hands together. “We’re close to my place, c’mon.”

Jim led them back to his dorm room silently. (And he definitely was _not_ nervous about Spock being in his room. No way.) He opened the door and immediately went to his dresser.

“Here,” he said, holding out a large sweater to Spock. “So you can warm up.”

Spock blinked once and then took the sweater and put it on.

Jim tried not to stare.

(He failed.)

Spock wearing a slightly-oversized sweater. Jim never imagined it before, but he wouldn’t be able to stop now. He turned away to re-focus.

“I’m sorry it’s kinda messy,” Jim said, straightening a few items on his desk. “I wasn’t really expecting company.”

“You do not have to apologize, Jim,” Spock said calmly, analyzing the entirety of the room. His eyes stopped at the desk. “You have paper books.”

Jim looked at him before looking back to where a few of his paper books were displayed on top of the desk, “Yeah, I do. These are just a few, I have more in some boxes in the closet. I didn’t have room to get them out. I need a shelf,” Jim said, more to himself than to Spock. He sat down on his bed.

Spock stood next to his desk, staring at the books intently. Jim watched him.

“You can touch them,” Jim said.

Spock immediately reached a hand out to run a finger down the well-worn spine of a book.

“I have told you previously that my mother was a schoolteacher?” Spock began, phrasing the statement as a question to gauge if Jim remembered.

“Yeah, you have.”

“She stopped teaching when she left for Vulcan. She was content to raise me and complete volunteer work in her spare time. When I was younger, she would read Terran literature to me,” Spock said, still staring at the books and not looking at Jim at all. “She would read from paper books that she had received from her mother, and her mother before that. I did not grasp the significance or worth at the time.”

“And the books…?”

“Were lost when Vulcan was destroyed,” Spock confirmed, finally lowering his hand from the books. He looked at Jim. “Will you tell me what is upsetting you?”

Jim sighed and let his head rest on the wall behind him. “Well, you see… my mom and I have always had a pretty strained relationship. When I was really little, she was dealing with my dad being consumed by chasing down a rogue ship and then dying. Then when I was older she got remarried and Frank and I were always butting heads. And I look a lot like my dad, especially now that I’m on T, so that doesn’t help anything,” Jim shook his head, trying to stay on track.

He continued, “My brother –who I haven’t heard from in years, by the way, he left just before I was shipped off to Tarsus –apparently got married and is having a kid now, so he’s trying to reconnect with the family. My mom invited me to the baby shower that she’s hosting. And, like, she called me ‘Jim’ and everything, but… there’s so much history there, Spock. It took her years to accept my transition, and I’m not actually sure that Frank ever did, honestly. I haven’t seen or heard from any of them for years, and I really feel like my life is better for it.”

Jim rubbed his hands together, “It’s just… it’s upsetting that my family doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong, that there’s nothing to apologize for, that they can just write me a message and invite me back home like there wouldn’t be any issues if I took them up on it. It’s… it’s hard to explain.”

Spock stepped so he stood directly in front of Jim. “It is possible that your family does recognize their past wrongs, and simply wish to apologize in person.”

Jim shrugged and looked away from Spock.

“Jim, I am not saying that you are wrong, I am simply giving discussing potential motives.” Spock reached out one hand and placed it on Jim’s knee, “You are the expert on your own life. You should not feel guilted into possibly traumatizing yourself in the hopes that your family has accepted you in your entirety.”

Jim stared at Spock. “I wasn’t expecting you to say something like that.”

“What did you expect?”

“Well I don’t know –you were just talking about losing everything important to you when Vulcan was destroyed. Maybe I expected you to say something like I should appreciate what I have now, because I’ll regret it when they’re gone and I don’t have any more chances to reconnect with them.”

Spock nodded, “There is some truth to that, I will admit. However, that is not true in all cases.” He paused, swallowed, “I would do anything to have only five more minutes with my mother. However, to compare my relationship with my mother to your relationship with yours would be illogical. They are not the same, and should not be treated as such.”

Jim squeezed his eyes shut and, without thinking, grabbed Spock’s hand with his own. “Thanks, Spock,” he said roughly.

“You are welcome, Jim.”

And then Jim opened his eyes and took his hand away, “Shit, sorry, Spock –I didn’t mean. I forgot about your hands –”

Spock held up his other hand to silence Jim. “No apology is necessary where no offense is taken.”

Jim sighed. He patted the bed next to him, “C’mon. Sit.”

Spock cocked his head slightly, watching Jim’s hand (it was the second time Jim used that motion to tell Spock to sit or lay down somewhere), but eventually acquiesced. He settled down next to Jim.

Jim immediately rested his head on Spock’s shoulder.

“You know, you can borrow my books anytime you want, Spock,” Jim said. “I don’t know what kind of books your mom read to you, but I have a lot of classics and some other random ones too.”

“She did read classics often. Though it is illogical, I was particularly fond of Sherlock Holmes. I appreciated his use of logic and reasoning.”

Jim huffed a laugh. His hair tickled Spock’s neck and jaw but Spock kept very still. (After all, if he moved, Jim might stop leaning on him.)

“That’s not surprising at all,” Jim murmured. “I don’t have Sherlock Holmes. I’m sorry.”

“Unnecessary.”

Jim smiled slightly, “It’s a human thing. Always apologizing. I’ll add it to the lessons.”

“I wish to convey my appreciation for your lessons, Jim. I believe our discussions have helped me understand humans in ways I had not previously. Thank you.”

“It’s all good, Spock. Also, they totally make us even.”

Spock tilted his head to be able to look sideways at Jim. “Elaborate.”

“You’re a TA for three classes this semester. I have two officially, but I’m helping out one other unofficially _and_ I’m teaching you about humans. That brings the total tally to seven for me, including the ones from last semester.”

“After this semester, I will have assisted with ten courses.”

“Yeah, but I’ve taken one more class than you have. After this semester, I’ll have taken twenty classes and you’ll be at nineteen. And, really, my Humans 101 lessons should count for more, because I’m creating those lessons instead of just grading and occasionally teaching what someone else gives me. So, really, I’ve TA-ed for six classes, but created one new one. So, basically, we’re even.”

“But I am taking your new course, Humans 101, so surely that should count in this exercise.”

“It’s like half a point for you.”

“Your logic is dizzying.”

Jim smirked, “It’s a competition, Spock, and humans are illogical.”

They sat together in silence for a long time, until Spock noticed that Jim’s breathing was becoming regular and deep. He was falling asleep.

“Jim,” Spock said softly. “You are tired. I will leave so you may rest.”

“M’good, Spock,” Jim slurred, curling up closer to Spock.

“You will be uncomfortable if I allow you to sleep on my shoulder,” Spock reasoned. Jim didn’t move.

Carefully, Spock extracted himself from the bed, and rearranged Jim so he was laying down. Jim turned so he was facing towards Spock still.

“Jim, you must take better care of yourself,” Spock said with his hand on Jim’s arm. “I had no idea you were so fatigued.”

“‘M fine,” Jim said, eyes still closed. He moved one hand so it covered Spock’s, “Y’r safe.”

Spock inhaled sharply when Jim’s feelings spilled into his awareness ( _friendrelaxsafesafesafe_ ) and removed his hand cautiously.

Jim felt secure in Spock’s presence. At least, Spock could obviously see (and feel), safe enough that he could sleep peacefully and without fear. And Spock wondered what that meant, coming from someone who had survived being hunted down on the forsaken planet of Tarsus IV. It was almost overwhelming, Spock realized. An honor he had not asked for, like Jim resting his head on Spock’s shoulder. He hadn’t asked for it, but he was reluctant to give it up once it happened.

Spock was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn’t realize he was still wearing Jim’s sweater until he was already back in his own apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a great Hanukkah! And I hope that everyone will have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I'm going on vacation for a week, and had just enough time to post this before leaving my computer behind. Hope you enjoyed this one -I'm loving all of your comments, so feel free to keep them coming!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock berates Jim. Bones berates Jim. Jim and Spock commemorate Thanksgiving but it's definitely not a date.

On Saturday, Jim went to Spock’s apartment as usual. He slid into his usual spot on Spock’s couch, and Spock immediately handed him a cup of tea. Jim's sweater was folded up on the coffee table in front of him, and he made a mental note to take it with him once he left.

“Thanks for returning my sweater, and sorry for falling asleep on you on Thursday. I didn’t think I was that tired,” Jim said with a shrug.

“There is no reason to apologize. It was no inconvenience.”

“Still. Kinda awkward. So sorry,” Jim put his mug down and rubbed his hands on his thighs. “Alright, so today’s topic –”

“Today’s topic is how humans do not take care of themselves,” Spock interrupted with a raised eyebrow at Jim.

Jim was flustered, “I _take care_ of myself, Spock –”

Spock continued, “Humans will often exhaust themselves by overworking themselves, either through academic endeavors or social activities or work efforts, etc. They will often sacrifice sleep or food or self care in order to be productive and ‘get things done’, without thought to the effect it will have on them, or the concern it will cause to those around them.”

Jim frowned slightly, “I said I was sorry.”

“Jim, the problem is not that you fell asleep on my shoulder. The problem is that you worked yourself to the point of exhaustion.”

“I wasn’t _really_ exhausted, though. You’re just… really warm and comfy, and I was a _little_ tired, but it was just because it was a long week, not because I’m not taking care of myself.”

“How long did you sleep last night?”

“That is completely irrelevant right now –”

“Did you sleep for the customary eight hours that humans of your age require?”

“Spock, I’m taking _seven classes_ –of course I didn’t sleep eight hours.”

“And when was the last time you managed to sleep for eight hours?”

Jim was silent. He looked away, “Maybe Thursday night, when I fell asleep on you.”

“And before that?”

Jim looked back at Spock, eyes challenging, “You’re not my parent, Spock.”

“Affirmative. I do not aspire to be your parent. But I am your friend,” Spock said. “I… I worry about you, Jim. I want to help you.”

Jim blinked in surprise. What did it mean for a Vulcan to admit that they felt worry –that they felt at all? (Jim felt like it meant a lot.) He sighed heavily.

“Alright, Spock,” he said. “I’ll try to do better before the semester ends.”

“You should continue this endeavor into next semester as well.”

Jim flapped a hand at Spock (which Spock wasn’t sure how to interpret), “I’m not promising anything, Spock. I’ve registered for seven classes already and I’m the TA for at least two others, and I have the tendency of picking up ‘pet projects’, as you well know.”

“If our competition is causing you to forgo sleep –”

Jim raised his voice, “No, Spock, it’s not that I’m losing sleep because I’m working too much, it’s the other way around.”

Spock waited silently. Jim sighed and leaned back on the couch. He wiped a hand down his face tiredly.

“So,” Jim started, “turns out surviving a genocide can really fuck you up. I’ve never really slept well my whole life, but during Tarsus IV, sleep was… you never knew if you would wake up –and if you did wake up, you didn’t know who else would or wouldn’t. Sleep was dangerous. It got so cold at night that we’d all sleep huddled together, but sometimes people never woke up… sometimes it wasn’t even from the cold, but from starvation or illness or something else. It was…” Jim shook his head.

“When I do actually sleep, I don’t sleep well. I have really vivid dreams, I wake up a lot, and sometimes I don’t know where I am when I wake up. Sometimes I don’t know where I am when I fall asleep,” Jim huffed, almost a laugh, like he was making a joke about himself.

He continued, “I do so much _because_ it exhausts me, so that I can actually go to sleep at night without the constant stream of thoughts. Sometimes they’re Tarsus thoughts –about safety, about escaping, about people coming after me. Most times it’s anything else – potential engine designs, coursework or papers I’m working on, math problems, translations…

“It’s not that I’m not sleeping because I feel pressured by our competition to do more work. Our competition is helping me because I can focus on my work when I need to, and it tires me out enough that I can sleep. So, really, you’re already helping me, and you didn’t even know it.”

They were silent. Jim wasn’t looking at Spock. Spock could not stop looking at Jim.

“When Vulcan was destroyed my telepathy was damaged,” Spock began. “It was damaged due to the sudden loss of the bond with my mother, but also due to the sudden and almost instantaneous death of six billion Vulcans. The mental noise it generated was not dissimilar to a vocal scream, amplified six billion times.”

Jim shuddered. Spock continued, “When it occurred, I was not able to shield myself due to my age and lack of proficiency in mental shields. It caused me to lose consciousness for some time. I dreamt of it for years afterwards. I believed that any planet I was on was going to be imminently destroyed. I could not be consoled because any use of my telepathy brought me physical pain and there were not enough Healers who could help without distress to me, and I could not be reasoned with because there was no logic in the situation.

“I tell you this, not because I want to compare our situations, or make you feel negatively for any reason, but because I want you to know that I can understand your experience of fearing sleep, or of rejecting sleep until the point of absolute exhaustion and I do not fault you for it. I agree with your assessment that living through and surviving trauma can ‘really fuck you up’,” Spock said.

Jim’s lips turned up, “It always makes me smile when you swear. Just something about the monotone and the face along with the swearing is just… a really great dissonance or something.”

“I am merely quoting your words back to you.”

“I know, Spock.” Jim shifted on the couch, “How did you get over it?”

“You are asking how I healed?” When Jim nodded, Spock continued, “After New Vulcan was founded, I was able to meet with a Vulcan Healer, who helped to settle my panic and facilitate the mending of the telepathic centers of my mind. Vulcans employ meditation as the primary strategy for overcoming overwhelming emotional distress, which has helped me greatly. But this does not mean it no longer affects me. I still dream of it sometimes, even now.”

“Pretty sure meditation and me aren’t gonna jive,” Jim said. “I need movement.”

“That is unsurprising,” Spock commented. “What about sparring?”

“What about it?”

“Does it allow you to rest afterwards?”

Jim considered this, “I mean, yeah. If it’s a good match, it’ll usually tire me out. But it’s hard to find a good match.”

“May I suggest myself as your match?”

Jim felt his heart skip a beat. “For sparring?” he managed.

“Affirmative. We sparred twice last semester. I found both occasions to be somewhat challenging.”

“Somewhat challenging,” Jim snorted. “You really know how to make a guy feel special, Spock.”

“I did not intend –”

“You’re fine, Spock, I’m teasing. When would you want to spar? We both already have pretty full schedules.”

“We could utilize the time we spend together on Tuesdays, Thursdays, or Saturdays and add sparring onto our regular activities.”

For a moment, Jim felt like the universe was giving him extra chances to keep touching Spock.

“Let’s spar on Thursdays,” Jim said. “We can do some work at the library and then spar for an hour or so.”

“That is acceptable, Jim,” Spock said with a nod. “I was also wondering if perhaps you had made a decision regarding your family.”

“Yeah,” Jim nodded. “I’m not going.” He looked down at his hands. “I’m glad they’re having a baby and starting new or whatever. Maybe if they reach out again for a one-on-one, I’ll reconsider. But I don’t feel the need to put myself through that right now.” Jim smiled sadly (Spock did not like this particular smile of Jim’s), “I guess that makes me pretty selfish.”

“There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself,” Spock said. “You should not be expected to accommodate them when they have not made any similar efforts.”

“Thanks, Spock.”

Spock nodded once. He paused, but Jim did not seem to be inclined to speak further, so Spock said, “I would like you to be aware that I appreciate your honesty and candor. We may now continue on to the lesson you prepared for today, if you would like.”

Jim laughed. “I appreciate your honesty too, Spock. I was planning on talking about how much humans like routine and traditions, like Thanksgiving. It’s a terrible fucking holiday that’s celebrating the genocide of Native Americans by white Europeans. I mean, it’s obviously not framed like that generally, but it’s what happened in history.

“Meanwhile, I say this, while at the same time knowing that I refuse to let a Thanksgiving pass without eating some turkey and mashed potatoes. It’s not an official holiday anymore, but it’s still celebrated by people regardless. So, again, humans are kinda ridiculous about traditions.”

Spock looked at Jim, “Why turkey and mashed potatoes?”

Jim blinked. “I mean… I don’t know. The first Thanksgiving had turkey, I guess? And mashed potatoes are amazing, so… but you also have a whole bunch of veggies, and cranberry sauce and gravy, and _pies_ –god, there are so many pies at a proper Thanksgiving. Pecan pie, pumpkin pie, apple pie,” Jim smiled at the thought of it.

“These are pleasant foods?” Spock questioned. “Why do humans not eat them all the time?”

“Because they’re _Thanksgiving_ foods. It’s tradition. Half of the goodness of the foods is the anticipation towards eating them, and _the leftovers_. The leftovers are awesome, Spock.”

Spock had the momentary thought that no matter how long these lessons continued, he would never understand the (il)logic of humans.

Jim continued, “Obviously, home-cooked food is the best, but some restaurants have Thanksgiving specials for the day.” He paused, glancing over at Spock, “You… you’re staying here, right? I think you said you wanted to set up some new experiments over the break, but if you want, we can go find food somewhere? I’m sure we can find some vegetarian options for you.”

Spock considered this offer, “That would be acceptable, Jim.”

“Good,” Jim said with a grin, even while his heart was racing. He had hung out with Spock before. Getting dinner with him would be no different.

\---

“You know you just asked him on a date, right? Are you gonna be a gentleman and pay for him? Are you gonna go see a movie afterwards? Or are you just gonna go back to his place for a ‘nightcap’?” McCoy demanded, even including the gesture for the air quotes.

Jim rolled his eyes, “It’s not a date. We’ve hung out before and this is no different. And why are you so angry, anyway? You’re going back to Georgia, so you can’t be mad at me for not inviting you.”

“It _is_ different, Jim. You’re talking about humans and traditions –did you mention that holidays are times humans get with their families, that we stick with the people we care most about?”

Jim rubbed his hands together and muttered, “No.”

“Well,” McCoy huffed and crossed his arms, raising an eye brow at Jim.

“Oh, come off it, Bones. I’m not hiding shit from him –holidays aren’t like that for me. It’s not like I’m inviting him to my family Christmas, which doesn’t exist anyway, and we’re not gonna be sitting at an expensive restaurant with candlelight! We’re both here for the break and I’m teaching him about humans. Thanksgiving is a part of that.”

“Jim, I just want you to take care of yourself. You’re setting yourself up for pain here.”

“Hilariously, Spock _also_ wants me to take care of myself, so join the club. He thinks I should sleep more. We’re gonna spar together on Thursdays so I’m exhausted afterwards.”

“So you listen to him when he asks you to sleep more but you ignore me, is that what you’re saying?”

“Bones,” Jim slung an arm around McCoy’s shoulder, “Try not to sound so jealous. Green’s not a good color on you. Stick to your science blues, or cadet reds.” He thumped McCoy’s chest once before he flung himself back onto his bed.

“Jim, can you at least pretend you have an ounce of self-preservation?”

“I’m fine, everything is fine. It’s not a date and you’re overreacting. Meanwhile, how’s fishing for information going?”

McCoy sighed and crossed his arms again. “Turns out it’s a little difficult to fish for information about Vulcans without sounding either incompetent or xenophobic. There’s no real reason for me to be asking M’Benga about Vulcan touch telepathy, Jim –it’s not like Vulcans are flocking to Starfleet. The chances of me working with one are slim.”

“So what you’re saying is you suck at covert operations?”

“I’m a doctor, dammit, not a spy.”

“Right, you’re a doctor. Aren’t you privy to this sort of information because of that? What if you were the only doctor and something was wrong with Spock? Do you even know that his heart is in his side? You should really start a petition about this, it’s actually really xenophobic to not teach medics at Starfleet about different species.”

“I’ll get right on that, Jim. And at least try to eat a damn vegetable on your dinner-date with Spock –you need to watch your cholesterol.”

\---

_Jim –was wondering if you had a chance to think about my offer from earlier this semester._

_Any thoughts?_

_–Pike_

\---

By Wednesday, the campus was mostly deserted. A few stragglers held on until Wednesday evening before leaving.

Jim spent the entirety of Thursday morning and early afternoon in anticipation of his evening with Spock that was absolutely not a date in any way. It was just dinner with a friend. There was no reason to be so anxious about it.

By the time Spock knocked on his door at 1800 hours, Jim had changed his outfit three times and berated himself for it eight times. (Did wondering if a shirt brought out his eyes or not immediately qualify this as a date?)

He opened the door while running a hand through his hair, “Hey, Spock –just give me a second.” He grabbed a faux leather jacket from his closet and his wallet before joining Spock outside of his room. “So I looked up a few places that might work –they’re open and they have Thanksgiving specials with vegetarian options.”

“I appreciate your foresight,” Spock commented.

“Of course, Spock. I want you to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving while still respecting your culture.” Jim stuck his hands in his pockets as they walked, “Do you wanna walk south, or east? The one that’s closest is just south of here, but the eastern one has some more options for both of us and is still walkable.”

“It would be tolerable to walk a bit farther for more variety.”

“To the east it is, then!” Jim pointed them in the right direction, and they walked together in companionable silence for a moment.

“How has your rest been this week, Jim?” Spock questioned, looking over to Jim.

Jim shrugged, “Same as always, I guess. It’s too bad the gym isn’t open today, or we could start our sparring. I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week to do that.”

“We could spar on Saturday, since we cannot tonight,” Spock suggested.

“Yeah,” Jim nodded. “Does that mean I should teach you about humans tonight? Since we’re switching days and all?”

“You may, if you would like.”

Jim laced his hands together behind his head, “Alright, we can do that over dinner then. How has your rest been this week, Spock?”

Spock tilted his head, “It has been adequate. I meditated for two hours and rested for four last night.”

“Four hours?!” Jim exclaimed, dropping his hands in surprise and looking at Spock incredulously. “And you yelled at me for not taking care of myself?!”

Spock did not react, “Vulcans require less sleep than humans. Four hours is a standard amount of rest for a Vulcan of my age and health.”

“Well that’s just not fair. No wonder you can take seven classes and teach three and still have time for a social life on top of your academic work. You only need half the sleep that I do.”

“Including mediation, it is three quarters, but yes, Jim. You are correct. Which is why I have become concerned about you and your health.”

“We’ve already figured that out, Spock. There’s no need to worry anymore.”

“Even so, it takes an extraordinary human to be evenly matched academically with a Vulcan. You should be proud.”

Jim started laughing, “I like how you gave a compliment to me by bragging about yourself. Thanks, Spock.”

Spock pursed his lips, “I did not brag.”

“Only extraordinary humans can match up to Vulcans? Sounds a lot like bragging to me,” Jim grinned and nudged Spock’s shoulder with his own.

“My intention was to commend your intellect. I will endeavor to refrain from it in the future,” Spock said.

Jim’s grin widened, “You’re teasing me. I can see it on your face.”

“My face has not changed.”

“Whatever makes you feel better, Spock, but I can read you like a book. Oh, speaking of books, do you want to borrow one or two of mine after dinner?”

“That would be acceptable, Jim.”

The restaurant was on a side street, and only a few other people were there which meant that Jim and Spock were seated immediately. Jim didn’t have to look at the menu at all, since he already knew what he wanted, so he spent the time watching Spock analyze his options.

(He really needed to stop that, like how much more obvious could his crush be if Spock caught him staring?)

After they ordered, Jim drummed on the table, “Okay, you ready for Humans 101?”

“Indeed, I am.”

“Alright, I told you I’d add this one like a week ago. Humans ask questions when they already know the answer. It’s more about feeling validated or clarifying issues than changing opinions.”

“Clarifying issues?”

“Yeah, like when someone else says something asshole-ish. So like someone says bisexual people are just confused. A non-asshole person could ask ‘wait, do you really think that bi people are like that?’ and then when that’s confirmed, they could explain why that’s a shitty belief.”

“Do people often feel that bisexual people are confused?”

“Right, Vulcans don’t really think about sexuality. To answer your question, sometimes you find people who think that way. But, here’s another example, someone might say that Vulcans are heartless machines, and I’d ask if they really believe that, and then explain why they were wrong once they confirmed it.”

“But Vulcans do have hearts. We are made up of organic materials. That would be a nonsense belief.”

“Heartless machine is just a way to say that you don’t have emotions, that you don’t feel anything.”

“Then you are mistaken, Jim. That is a compliment.”

“No, Spock, it’s not. And enough with the Vulcan front, you _do_ feel –I’ve seen you do it. It’s usually because I irritate you.”

Spock looked away, sticking his nose in the air, “Vulcans always exhibit control, Jim.”

“See, I’m irritating you right now. It’s not a bad thing to feel emotions, Spock.”

“Logic and control are essential to Vulcans.”

“Can’t you have both?” Jim asked. “Both logic and emotions, even if you must exhibit control over those emotions? Spock, you’ve _told_ me that you worry about me, you can’t tell me you don’t have emotions. That’s just your Vulcan front talking.”

“Even so, being seen by others as not experiencing emotions is ideal, even if it is not necessarily true.”

“Alright, alright,” Jim said, raising his hands with his palms facing Spock. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I get that logic and control are important to you –essential, even. It’s just hard for me to understand.” Jim ducked his head, trying to get Spock to look at him, “I’m just a puny human, after all, barely equal to the superiority of Vulcans.”

Spock finally looked at Jim, “Am I now supposed to ask you to verify your conviction in that belief, so that I may attempt to dissuade you?”

Jim beamed at Spock, “Now you’ve got it. I also want to point out that you didn’t deny that being emotionless is a Vulcan front, so I win.”

Spock did not sigh.

Eventually, the waiter came and delivered their food. Once they were alone again, Jim peered over to Spock.

“Did you not get potatoes?” Jim asked, looking at Spock’s plate.

Spock raised one eyebrow, “You can clearly see my plate. Are you going to attempt to communicate to me that I am wrong, as humans are wont to do?”

Jim rolled his eyes, “No, Spock, I was going to ask if you wanted to try some of mine, since they apparently didn’t come with your meal. Mashed potatoes are an integral part of Thanksgiving, so I’m pretty sure you can’t really celebrate the holiday without them.”

Spock blinked, “In that case, if you will allow me, I will try some of yours so I can truly celebrate the holiday that commemorates genocide.”

Jim grinned, “You’re extra sassy today. I like it.” He offered his plate to Spock, who swiped a bit of mashed potatoes from it, and ate them.

Jim watched his expression carefully. “Do you like it?” he asked.

Spock paused, “It is acceptable.”

“Do you want more?” Jim asked with a smile. Spock hesitated. “Here, I’ll give you all the parts that haven’t touched the turkey,” Jim said, pushing potatoes onto Spock’s plate.

“Thank you, Jim.”

Jim waved a hand, “You’re good, Spock. I like seeing my friends eat food they like.” He shrugged, “It’s an added bonus that I got to show you that you were wrong for not getting potatoes in the first place.”

“Are you often able to convince humans they are wrong after verifying their beliefs that go against your own?” Spock asked, changing the subject slightly.

Jim laughed. “No,” he said. “Here’s part two of the lesson, humans are pretty stubborn and don’t change opinions easily.”

“You do not concede to greater logic or facts?”

Jim shook his head, “This goes back to the beginning of our lessons. Humans are illogical and emotional. We don’t like to be wrong, so we’ll stubbornly believe we’re right as long as we possibly can. Changing beliefs takes time. You won’t change anyone’s beliefs in just one sitting.”

“That is incredibly illogical.”

Jim shrugged, “That’s humanity.”

\---

The walk back to Jim’s dorm was comfortable and quiet. Spock had agreed to borrow a few books from Jim, so Jim knew that Spock was only coming back to his dorm for that reason. But it still felt a little bit like Spock was dropping Jim off at his door, and they would stand there awkwardly and wonder about first kisses.

(This was ridiculous, of course. They had already had their first kisses together. And this was not the time to be remembering that experience.)

Once in his room, Jim dragged out three boxes from inside his closet. “There’s more in these too, if you’re okay with digging a little bit.”

Jim sat down next to two of the boxes, and started taking books out of them to lay them out for easy viewing. Spock sat as well.

“Where did you find all these books, Jim?”

“Some of them were my dad’s,” Jim began. “After I left home, I worked in an antique store for a long while and got a bunch from there too. Some were gifts.” Jim looked up at the ones on his desk, “Those ones were from Tarsus.”

Spock paused in his examination of the books. He looked at Jim. “There were books on Tarsus IV?”

“Some of the settlers brought them with them when they moved to the planet.” Jim looked down and rubbed his hands together, “When we looked for food, sometimes we’d find books instead, and we’d keep them if they looked interesting enough. We all had one or two books on us at any given time. It helped us forget where we were, what was happening.”

“And you kept them afterwards?”

“Sentimental reasons,” Jim said. “Illogical ones.”

“Just because your reason for keeping mementoes was illogical does not mean that it is without value.”

Jim chuckled weakly and looked at Spock, “Really, Spock? You’re saying sentimentality is worth something?”

“I have found that humans often cherish sentimentality. I also cannot find it in myself to say it is worthless, as I wish that I had been able to save my mother’s books, as I could not save her.”

Jim looked down again but smiled a little more authentically, “Thanks, Spock.”

“Jim, I must ask. If I take my leave after I select my preferred books, are you going to be able to sleep tonight?”

Jim shrugged, “I dunno, Spock. It’s always kinda hit or miss.”

“Would it help to exhaust yourself physically?”

“I mean, yeah, it usually does, but the gym is closed.”

Spock was very still, “If it suits you, I believe there are still things you could teach me regarding the sexual practices of humans which might fatigue you.”

Jim blinked as he processed what Spock just said. He could not stop the blush spreading over his face. “You wanna have sex again?”

“If you are willing. It will work to solve two issues: my lack of knowledge and your inability to sleep.”

Jim’s heart was racing. The universe was giving him a second chance. A chance to taste Spock again, to be with him again (and to finally grab his ass!). “I mean, yeah,” Jim nodded, “I’m willing.”

“Do you have the necessary supplies here?”

Jim stood and opened a desk drawer. He pulled out a handful of condoms and a small bottle of lubricant, and put them on the corner of the desk near the bed.

“Do you wanna pick your books first?” Jim asked.

Spock picked up two books from the piles Jim had made, “I have already chosen.” He put the rest of the books back in the boxes, and Jim pushed them back into his closet.

When Jim turned back to Spock, Spock reached out two fingers to him, and Jim smiled and touched them softly. Jim was sure that it would always amaze him at how that simple touch made Spock relax almost immediately.

Spock stepped towards Jim, placed his other hand on Jim’s hip, and kissed him the human way.

Jim licked into Spock’s mouth, deepening their kiss, while lacing their fingers together and stroking at Spock’s knuckles. Jim felt giddy with anticipation. He slipped his free hand under Spock’s clothes, feeling Spock’s heart thrumming steadily in his side.

“Tonight,” Jim said, pulling away slightly in order to speak, “I’m gonna introduce you to the wonders of oral sex.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, “You are… excited by this?” He grasped Jim’s hand tighter, as if trying to feel more of his emotions.

“I am,” Jim said, biting back the thought that it was only because it was Spock he would be doing this to, not anyone else. He added, “And you should be too.” Jim grabbed both of Spock’s hands and walked him back until Spock was leaning against the bed. Then he placed both of Spock’s hands on the bed and looked at Spock carefully. “Don’t move, okay?”

Spock nodded, staring at Jim cautiously. Jim released his hands and sank to his knees in front of Spock.

Spock inhaled sharply, but did not move.

It wasn’t necessarily that Jim was excited to give blowjobs in general. For the most part, he didn’t particularly have fond memories of giving head. But the thought of pleasuring Spock –of breaking him down… Jim felt like he had waited his whole life for this moment.

Carefully, Jim undid Spock’s pants and pulled his dick out. Spock was half hard, and Jim didn’t know if it was because he was actually turned on already, or if it was because Jim’s own emotions had sped up the process.

Either way, Jim took Spock in his hand and worked at him until he was fully hard and breathing heavier. 

And then Jim settled his hand at the base of Spock’s dick and swallowed him down, loving the sound of Spock’s choked-off gasp and the arch of his hips. Spock’s hands fisted into the bedsheets, but didn’t move.

_Finally_ , Jim thought. _Fucking_ _finally_.

Jim sucked lightly before pulling off, dipping his head to press a kiss against the underside of Spock’s dick. He licked a strip up the underside of it, pressing his tongue into the slit and tasting him before taking him down as deep as he could go.

Spock gasped and shuddered.

Jim swallowed around him and bobbed his head up and down, setting up a steady rhythm and occasionally using his tongue to flick at the tip. He could feel Spock’s muscles tensing under his hands, and Jim loved this, he _loved_ this.

Almost without thinking, Jim grabbed one of Spock’s hands and moved it to cup his jaw. _Just this one, just right here,_ he thought, hoping that Spock would pick up on it like last time. Spock pressed his thumb against Jim’s lips, feeling the seam between his dick and Jim’s mouth as Jim continued to move up and down. Spock kept his other hand on the bed in a tight fist.

“Jim,” Spock said through clenched teeth. “ _Jim_ ,” he groaned when Jim sucked on the head.

Jim pulled off, blinking up at Spock and loving the view. He licked his lips and accidentally ran his tongue over Spock’s thumb, and Spock made a choked-off noise in response.

Jim did it again.

Spock’s knees actually buckled before he caught himself, staring at Jim in open wonderment. Jim held back his grin in order to suck on Spock’s thumb, swirling his tongue around the pad. Spock made a totally wrecked sound that made Jim’s stomach burn with desire.

Spock must’ve felt this, because almost immediately he hoisted Jim up, swapped their positions and pushed Jim up on the bed. Jim groaned and fisted a hand in Spock’s shirt to drag their mouths together, even while Spock was stepping out of his pants to crawl on top of Jim.

Spock tucked one hand under Jim’s shirt and slid it upwards, exposing most of his chest. With his other hand, Spock undid Jim’s pants. He broke apart from Jim in order to divest Jim of his pants and underwear before crawling back on top of him.

“Can I?” Spock asked, eyes dark. He swallowed and tried again, “May I return your actions?”

Jim thought he might die. “Yes,” he said in a rush, nodding his head almost frantically. “Yes, _please_.”

Spock moved down Jim’s body, hands dancing over bare skin while he kissed Jim’s chest, his stomach, his hips –

Jim felt Spock’s breath between his legs just before Spock’s tongue flicked out, and Jim couldn’t help but moan in response.

Spock pulled back slightly, “You are very sensitive here,” he murmured, more to himself than to Jim.

In response, Jim reached down to where Spock was holding his hip and stroked his fingers down Spock’s. When Spock inhaled sharply, Jim responded, “Right back at ya.”

Spock’s reply was to bend his head and lick a solid line from Jim’s vagina to his clit.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jim hissed, back arching and toes curling. Spock did it again and Jim covered his mouth with his hand. Spock licked him a few more times, his hands caressing Jim’s thighs, before he carefully slid one finger into Jim.

Jim bit his hand and groaned low in his throat, his eyes clenched tight.

Suddenly Spock pulled back and out of Jim. Jim panted heavily, trying to calm the fuck down and get himself under control –and then he felt Spock pulling his hand away from his face.

He looked at Spock, who was staring at him intently while still holding onto Jim’s hand.

“I want to hear you,” Spock said. And then he slipped his finger back into Jim while still watching his face, and Jim’s moan was high-pitched and strangled because he couldn’t quite breathe and he wasn’t sure if it was from the stimulation or from what Spock had just said.

Apparently satisfied, Spock returned to his ministrations, focusing on sucking and licking at Jim’s clit while he pumped in and out of Jim in a steady rhythm, easily adding a second finger and licking around that too.

Jim was pretty sure he was dying in the best way possible.

“Come –come back,” Jim whimpered, grabbing at Spock’s shoulders to pull him back up. Spock only hesitated briefly before rising back up to Jim’s face.

Jim yanked him in for a kiss, tasting himself in Spock’s mouth, and used it as a distraction to flip Spock over so Jim was on top.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

Jim did not respond and instead grabbed a condom, slipped it onto Spock, and immediately sank down on top of him.

Spock gripped his hips, breathing a little unsteady. Jim rucked up Spock’s shirt (why were they even still wearing shirts, some part of his mind wondered) in order to rake his nails over Spock’s nipples while he moved his hips up and down.

Spock made a choked off noise, almost a moan. And Jim leaned over him, made eye contact, and told him, “I want to hear you, Spock.”

“ _Jim_ ,” Spock hissed in response. When Jim skimmed his nails over Spock’s nipples again, Spock actually moaned, and Jim felt like his life was complete.

“Fuck yeah, Spock,” Jim said with a grin. He took one of Spock’s hands off his hips and brought it to his mouth, sucking lightly on Spock’s fingers while he moved his hips back and forth over Spock’s.

Spock made a punched-out noise, and he seemed to be trying to catch his breath. So Jim sucked harder on his fingers, and Spock moaned again. And Jim felt possessive, wanted Spock to only chant his name and no one else’s. He wanted to be the only one to take Spock apart like this.

“Jim,” Spock groaned again. He was thrusting up into Jim while Jim rocked his hips back and forth, and Jim knew this wasn’t going to last long – _Spock_ wasn’t going to last long.

He took Spock’s hand from his mouth and held onto it instead, pressing it into the bed while he rode Spock. Every one of his movements had his clit rubbing against Spock, and he could feel the pleasure building, and _fuck_ that felt _really_ good.

It only took a few more thrusts until Jim was burying his face in Spock’s neck, clenching around him as he came. Spock’s hips stuttered in response, and Spock wrapped his arms around Jim has he came too.

And then they stayed there, wrapped up in each other until their breathing calmed and their hearts stopped racing.

Eventually, Jim sat up and got off of Spock, collapsing beside him and tucking his head in the space between Spock’s shoulder and chest. Spock draped his arm around Jim and down his side, his fingers brushing Jim’s waist softly.

“Hope you learned something new today, Spock,” Jim sighed.

“I have learned many new things today, I assure you.”

Jim breathed heavily against Spock’s collarbone, “It’s just a saying.”

“I see.”

At some point, Jim had closed his eyes without realizing it, and he was pretty tired already and Spock was so comfortable and _warm_ and safe.

Jim was safe, he was protected, Spock wouldn’t let anything happen to him…

Spock shifted, “Jim, you are tired. I will take my leave.”

Jim’s eyes flew open and he suddenly felt wide awake, his heart hammering in his chest.

He pulled away from Spock immediately, turning to hang his feet off the bed. He had moved so quickly he was a little dizzy from it. ( _Play it cool, Jim_ ) “Yeah, of course, Spock. Thanks for the…” he waved his hand vaguely through the air, “y’know.”

Spock slid calmly off the bed, put his underwear and pants back on, and turned to face Jim again.  “I enjoyed celebrating Thanksgiving with you, Jim. Thank you for teaching me about human behavior tonight. I will see you on Saturday to spar?”

“Sure, Spock,” Jim nodded, feeling vaguely sick to his stomach. “Don’t forget the books.”

“I will not,” Spock nodded, putting on his jacket and scooping up the books. “Rest, Jim. And Happy Thanksgiving.”

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Jim echoed. And then Spock left.

Jim sat on his bed and buried his face in his hands. His throat felt tight.

This didn’t mean anything.

He got up, grabbed his pants, and went to the bathroom. When he returned to his room, he stared at the rumpled bedsheets, smelled the heavy scent of sex, and realized quickly that he wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon.

Instead, he stripped his bed of all of the fabrics that had just touched Spock, and threw it in the laundry before jumping in the shower himself, as if he could erase all evidence of what had happened via the application of enough water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a merry christmas and a happy new year! Thanks for all your comments -they really mean a lot to me!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim deals with some consequences from his actions. Spock meets a grumpy southern doctor.

Jim didn’t sleep.

He stayed awake into Friday, managing to complete class assignments in a near-manic frenzy, unwilling to focus on what was upsetting him and unable to find another way to ignore it. (He was actually quite productive, which was great, in a way. Finals were in two weeks.)

He crashed hard on Friday afternoon and woke up from a nightmare three hours later. He paced around his room, feeling a little caged in, feeling like he wanted go to get in a fight or something, like he used to do when he was younger.

Before he could go off to do that, Jim got a request for a video call from McCoy. He accepted without thinking.

“Bones!” he cried with a wide grin, “How’s it going?”

McCoy immediately frowned and wrinkled his brow, “Jim… are you okay?”

“I’m great, Bones –just fine and dandy. Dandy. What a weird word. Is that a Southern word? How are you?”

McCoy paused, staring at Jim carefully from the other side of the screen. Jim could almost see him analyzing and diagnosing. “How much have you slept since I left on Wednesday, Jim?”

“I may be having a slight manic episode,” Jim admitted. “But it’s great –I’ve gotten a lot of work done since yesterday.”

“How many hours of sleep?”

“Maybe six.” Jim could see McCoy grit his teeth together and visibly attempt to calm himself down. “It’s not a big deal, Bones, I’m telling you.”

“Maybe six hours of sleep in the span of seventy two hours is definitely a big deal, Jim. Why won’t you take the sleep medicine I gave you?”

“It makes me groggy.”

“That’s the damn point, Jim.”

“I don’t like it.”

“And what does Spock think about your lack of sleep?”

Jim flinched, just slightly, but McCoy still saw it.

“Why would Spock have anything to do with this?” Jim asked.

“Because of that,” McCoy barked, pointing a finger at Jim. “Because of _your face_. What did he do?”

“It was nothing, Bones,” Jim said with a weak smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

“You slept with him again, didn’t you?”

“It doesn’t _mean_ anything –”

Jim’s excuses were drowned out by McCoy’s drawn-out groan. “Why are you _doing_ this to yourself?” he demanded. “You told me –you told me it wouldn’t be a date, Jim! But you went to dinner, and then you had sex just like I said you would, and now look at yourself!”

Jim felt frozen and could only stare at McCoy. “I don’t,” he started. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Dammit, Jim,” McCoy sighed. He rubbed his face. “I’ll be back tomorrow evening. If you haven’t gotten at least six more hours of sleep by the time I get back, I will change that. And we _are_ going to talk about this at some point. Do you understand?”

“Did you call for a reason, or just to threaten me?”

“Just checking in,” McCoy groused. “If I’d have known the hobgoblin was going to leave you like this, I would’ve checked in sooner.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine, Jim. At this rate, you’ll be hearing colors soon. You need to stop doing this to yourself. You need to sleep.”

“Alright, fine,” Jim huffed. “I’ll sleep.”

“Right now?”

“Before you get here.”

McCoy devolved into a fit of curses which Jim waved off. “I’m too keyed up right now, Bones. I won’t be able to sleep, so I’d just lay awake in bed. And someone is really fond of telling me that you shouldn’t do that, because it trains your brain to associate your bed with awake-ness, isn’t that right, Bones?”

McCoy glared at Jim, not nearly as impressed as he should be. “I’m real happy that you do apparently listen to me, even though you don’t act on my advice ever and only use it to get out of the very thing that I told you to do.”

“I knew you would be. Happy, that is.”

“I changed my mind, I’m not coming back.”

Jim laughed, eyes still too bright and head still too fuzzy and loud, but McCoy was there (even though he really wasn’t, not yet) and that made everything a little bit easier to deal with.

\---

Jim had not, in fact, slept before he went to meet Spock at the gym to spar on Saturday. Instead, he had spent the night writing a twenty page paper, reorganizing all of his books by topic (except the Tarsus books –he never touched the Tarsus books unless he was moving), watching funny cat videos on his padd, and then rewriting and editing his twenty page paper.

But he felt great! He didn’t need sleep! He just needed to get his work done. And clean. And maybe learn a new language or something.

He did most of that in the morning, and met up with Spock in the early afternoon. He was already on the practice mats and stretching when Spock appeared.

“Hey, Spock!” Jim grinned and stood from his stretch. He might’ve swayed slightly. “How’s it going?”

“Jim, are you feeling well?”

Jim shrugged and waved a hand at Spock, “I’m fine. Are you?”

Spock stared at Jim. “I am well.”

“That’s great! Do you need to warm up or anything?”

“I have already prepared myself adequately for our match.” Spock cocked his head, “I am not certain we should proceed.”

“Why not?”

“You do not appear well, Jim.”

“Nonsense, Spock –I’m right as rain. Now let’s go,” Jim put his fists up near his face, dropping into a defensive stance. Spock did not move. “C’mon, Spock.”

Spock still did not move.

Jim stepped in close to Spock and lightly hit Spock’s arm a few times with his fists. “C’mon, Spock.” Spock grabbed Jim’s wrist as he continued to punch Spock’s arm, “Are we gonna stand here or are we gonna sp – _aaaaaaaar_?”

Somehow, Jim was suddenly on his stomach, face in the mat, and he could feel Spock hovering over his body, Spock’s hand still latched to his wrist.

“ _Why_?” Spock demanded. And Jim had never heard that tone before. Honestly, it made him shiver a little bit.

Spock forced Jim over onto his back, pressing him down onto the mat with both arms and glaring – _glaring_ –down at him. Jim felt dazed.

“Why have you not slept, Jim?”

“Wha –?”

Spock pressed him on the mat harder, one hand on Jim’s wrist and the other on Jim’s shoulder. “Answer me.”

“When did you even move?” Jim asked, still blinking and shocked. There was some part of his mind slowly realizing that Spock had been taking it easy on him all the other times they sparred. It dawned on him that he should be irritated, but feeling emotions took a lot of energy, so that would have to wait for later.

Spock bent lower so he was next to Jim’s ear, “I will give you two choices, Jim. You may either walk with me back to your room where you _will_ rest, or I will carry you.”

Spock stood up when he was done speaking and remained hovering over Jim, staring down at him.

Jim also stood from his position and brushed himself off lightly. “I don’t need to rest –I feel _fine_.”

There was a pause.

And then Jim was hoisted over Spock’s shoulder, and Spock was marching out of the gym.

“ _Spock_ ,” Jim yelped. “Put me down! This is entirely unnecessary!”

“I provided you with two choices, Jim. I would ask that you stop kicking, as I do not wish to drop you and cause you harm.”

“Spock, this is _ridiculous_ –you can’t –just put me down!”

“Have you reconsidered your choice?”

“I’m _fine_ , Spock.”

“‘Fine’ has variable definitions, which you are taking advantage of in this instance, Jim.” Spock’s hold tightened around Jim’s body, “I can feel the exhaustion in your mind. It is near overwhelming.”

“If it’s so overwhelming for you to touch me, why don’t you _put me down_!”

Spock didn’t respond. Instead, he keyed in the code for Jim’s room (“how do you know my code? I’ve let you in _twice_!”) and then Spock dropped Jim on his bed.

Jim tried to sit up immediately. Spock pushed him back down onto the bed.

Jim tried to get up again, and Spock continued to hold him down.

“Spock, let me up.”

“Why must you be so difficult, Jim?” Spock asked tersely.

“You’re the one being difficult!” Jim sputtered from his reclined position.

“When is the last time you slept?”

“I slept yesterday.”

“For how long?”

Jim didn’t respond.

“Is this because of our discussion on Thursday? Are you unable to sleep because –”

“No, Spock, it wasn’t because of Tarsus IV.” Jim shrugged Spock’s arm off, but stayed down on the bed. He draped his arm over his face. “It’s not Tarsus. I just couldn’t… I don’t fucking know.”

Spock stepped back from the bed and linked his hands together behind his back.

Jim continued, “Sometimes I just can’t function like a normal human, Spock. It’s just the perks of being me.”

“You assured me you would rest, Jim.”

Jim peered out from under his arm at Spock, who was staring at Jim with no small amount of concern written on his face. Jim felt his chest bubble with emotions –guilt, a minor amount of defensiveness, fear, and some sort of smug satisfaction that Spock was focused and worried about him.

He nodded slowly, keeping his eyes on Spock. “Yes, I did.”

Spock did not sigh (but if he had been human he would have). “I do not understand, Jim. When I left you on Thursday, it seemed quite probable that you would rest for a significant period of time. And yet today…” he trailed off.

Fucking Thursday. Jim’s stomach clenched at the memories of Thursday night –a great night, overall. But then Spock had left and Jim felt…

Spock and left and Jim felt…

Spock had left and Jim felt unimportant. Worthless. Like something that was used for a good time, but not anything more. Never anything more. ( _People never stayed for Jim_.)

And Jim knew Spock would never intentionally make him feel that way. But that was exactly the problem.

Jim felt like he might get sick and he couldn’t keep thinking about this (he was really good at avoidance and distraction, after all –which was arguably what got him into this situation in the first place).

“Your mind needs to rest, Jim,” Spock was saying. “Your body does as well. I am not entirely certain how you have been able to function up to this point in time.”

Jim snorted. Spock heard him mutter something suspiciously like “join the club” before he looked back at Spock.

“What do you want me to say, Spock?”

Spock’s lips tightened. “I would prefer if you spoke honestly, not just words you believe I desire to hear. I assumed our friendship already functioned that way for some time now, and will be quite disappointed if that was not the case.”

Jim sighed heavily and hid his face under his arm again. “Spock, you know that’s not what I meant. Fuck, obviously I’m not just saying what you want to hear all the time.”

Jim listened as Spock breathed steadily through his nose. And then, finally, Spock’s shoulders lowered slightly. His face smoothed out into a calm mask.

“I apologize, Jim.”

Jim looked at Spock, tucking his arm behind his head instead of over it. Spock stared at the wall just over Jim’s head, standing stiff and straight and tall.

“What?” Jim breathed.

“I apologize for my severe lack of control shown over the course of the past seventeen point two minutes. I should not have acted in such a way. I could have unintentionally harmed you due to my emotionalism.”

“Spock,” Jim started, sitting up slightly on his bed, “I know you feel that a loss of control is shameful and dangerous, but you don’t need to apologize. I was never scared you would hurt me. And your ‘emotionalism’ is nothing compared to a human. Don’t apologize –you’re always saying no apology is needed where no offense is taken, so take your own advice here.”

“Just because I did not hurt you this time does not mean I could not in the future under a similar lapse of control.”

Jim forced Spock to look at him by intentionally moving into the space Spock was staring at. “Are you going to apologize for all potential futures or situations where you could unintentionally harm me? That hardly seems logical, Spock. Or an efficient use of time.”

Spock finally focused on Jim. He blinked.

Finally he nodded his head slightly. “I accept your logic.”

“Good,” Jim said. “Can we be done being angry now?”

“Affirmative, Jim.”

“Fucking great. Now, drop your Vulcan front and come sit with me,” Jim said, leaning back against the wall. Spock didn’t move. “C’mon,” Jim said, patting the bed beside him.

Spock joined him a moment later. “It is not a front, Jim.”

“Whatever you say, Spock, but I really thought we had gotten past that already.”

They sat on Jim’s bed, shoulder-to-shoulder, leaning back against the wall. And for a moment, Spock remembered that the last time they sat this way, Jim fell asleep on his shoulder. And some part of him hoped that it happened again.

“Did you have a chance to read those books I lent you?” Jim asked.

Spock nodded, “I have. I would like to borrow more if possible. It allows me a new perspective on humans. For instance, _The Scarlet Letter_ taught me that humans place a great deal of emphasis on rules and belief systems, which you have not informed me of.”

Jim laughed lightly, “That’s from 1850, Spock. Religion’s changed from the Puritan way, you should know that.”

“You have not spoken to me of religion or human beliefs and worldviews.”

“Well, I guess that was my bad. You sure you want two Human 101 lessons this week? You’ll get spoiled.”

“I assure you, I will not.”

Jim smiled again and closed his eyes. “Religion has always been important for humans. It gives us meaning and purpose in our lives. People were worshiping stuff as long as humans can remember –all stuff more powerful than we are.”

He continued speaking, eyes hooded while gesturing extensively with his hands, “Ancient Greeks worshiped a pantheon of glorified humans with magical powers, Hindus were polytheists and their gods generally depended on the region you were in, among other things. Then the monotheists came, claiming there was only one god. Christianity claimed that one god was made up of three parts –it’s a form of Christianity you’re reading about in that book.

“Religion comes with all sorts of rules and regulations –rituals you have to complete to be clean, to pray, to get married, whatever. Some branches of religion have downplayed this, some really emphasized it. They’re all just different enough to be individualized, but similar enough to be talked about generally.”

Jim dropped his hands and closed his eyes, “Most religions aren’t really practiced anymore on any large-scale, just by individuals or families –a lot of religious holidays have just been absorbed into general holidays. The winter holidays, for instance, were once a bunch of different holidays all around the same period of time –Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hannukah –that sort of thing.” He shrugged, “Religion isn’t really a huge thing anymore. Not like in _The Scarlet Letter_.”

Jim stopped speaking, and kept his eyes closed, content.

“My mother…” Spock began, hesitantly. “My family observed Hannukah, as well as other Jewish holidays.”

Jim blinked and looked over at Spock, trying to focus on his face, “Your mother was Jewish?”

“Affirmative. And in the tradition of Judaism, I am as well.” Spock cocked his head slightly, remembering, “I believe I once told her a belief in god was illogical. She told me I did not need to believe, but that I should learn the rituals anyway, as it was part of my heritage.”

“Did you?”

Spock nodded, “Every year, we lit the candles for Hannukah, built a tent outside for Sukkot, and had a Seder for Passover where she would tell me the story of our people. We would eat apples dipped in honey for Rosh Hashanah, and she would fast for Yom Kippur. I did not observe the Sabbath regularly, because wasting a day was illogical, but she would take time to read extra to me, and that was enough for her.”

Spock swallowed, “There are traditions in Judaism that we could not hold to when she died. We had no body to bury. As I was able to, I said the mourners Kaddish and lit a candle in her memory. Although I know it does nothing, I still recite Kaddish and light a candle for her on the anniversary of her death according to the calendar of Vulcan-that-was and Earth’s calendar, as well as the Hebrew calendar, as tradition requires.”

“Does it help you?” Jim asked.

“What do you mean?”

“When you recite Kaddish or light a candle –does it help you in any way? Make you feel closer to your mother’s traditions? Make you feel that you can mourn her properly?”

Spock looked at Jim, hesitated only slightly, and then nodded.

Jim broke their gaze and looked straight ahead again, shrugging, “Then it doesn’t do nothing.” Jim closed his eyes again, “It’s a lot like my tradition for March –doing a thing to remember it.” His eyes opened, and he suddenly realized that might not be a helpful thing to say, “I mean, it’s different –my thing isn’t millennia old and it’s not speaking or reciting anything, and there’s more alcohol involved and not really a ritual or religious, and it’s not something I learned from my parents and there aren’t so many calendars to keep track of for me –”

“Jim, you are rambling.”

“I didn’t mean… I don’t want to offend you. It’s not actually that similar,” Jim ducked his head down, wishing he could think clearer.

“It is similar in that we both commemorate as we know how. There is no offense in that.” Spock rested his shoulder against Jim’s, leaning slightly to make sure Jim knew it was intentional. And Jim knew it had to be very intentional. An olive branch. No harm done, silly human, I’ll even initiate touch to confirm it. Jim smiled slightly.

Jim relaxed and, again, closed his eyes. He was very tired.

“You may rest your head on my shoulder as you have done in the past, if you would like,” Spock offered. “I do not mind.”

“Okay,” Jim sighed. But instead of just laying his head on Spock’s shoulder, he curled up towards Spock, bending his knees and body so he was actually much closer than Spock was expecting. Spock held very still as Jim finally placed his head on Spock’s shoulder and his hand on Spock’s thigh.

“Stay?” Jim muttered, and Spock could tell by the lilt in his voice that he meant it as a question.

“Yes, Jim. I will stay.”

Within a few minutes, Jim was asleep.

While Spock was concerned about Jim’s comfort (sleeping in this position could not be comfortable in any way, and he would most likely wake up with a terrible pain in his neck and possibly his hip), he felt that it was more important that Jim sleep when he could.

He could not fathom what had prevented Jim from sleeping for so long. (Even if Jim knew, Spock wasn’t certain that Jim would tell him.)

Spock chose to slip into meditation, as he would most likely remain where he was for some time.

For a while, they stayed like that, Jim sleeping and Spock meditating.

At some point, Spock too fell asleep. (The sleepy contentment radiating off of Jim played no small part in this.)

Spock woke to someone keying in the code to Jim’s room and opening the door, and was on immediate alert even as he was blinking awake.

“Who the hell’re –oh. Spock.”

Spock paused, “I do not believe we have been formally introduced. What may I call you?”

McCoy folded his arms across his chest, “The name’s Leonard McCoy. You can call me Doctor.”

Spock cocked his head slightly, but nodded, “Doctor.”

McCoy’s eyes glanced at Jim, who was still sleeping and still curled up around Spock. “Well, it’s good to see you got his sorry ass to sleep. I’ve been yellin’ at him since yesterday,” McCoy said quietly. “How long’s he been out?”

Spock pondered for a moment, “Approximately two point eight hours.” Spock brushed his hand against Jim’s, still on top of Spock’s thigh. “He will be entering a REM cycle shortly.”

McCoy stabbed a finger at him, aggressively whispering, “Don’t you go touching him with all your Vulcan hoodoo nonsense.”

Spock’s eyebrow lifted, “Hoodoo?”

“Your damn touch telepathy,” McCoy clarified, gesturing towards Spock’s hands. “I know it’s a thing, but you Vulcans are pretty tight lipped about it. I don’t know how it works and I don’t like it. For all I know, you could be messin’ with his mind.”

Spock’s expression tightened, “It is an anathema to enter someone’s mind without their express consent, and touch telepathy does not enter another person’s mind as a meld does. It provides a surface understanding of the strongest emotions present. May I ask if you are always this xenophobic, or is it specifically aimed at telepathic races?”

“How does that work with clothing?”

“Excuse me?”

“Does clothing get in the way of the strongest emotions? Like, is Jim’s hand or face giving you a read on his emotional state through your clothes?”

Spock narrowed his eyes at McCoy, “Clothing often acts as a sufficient buffer. I also have my own mental shields that prevent me from ‘reading’ more than I should, particularly around humans. Jim knew about my telepathy when he moved himself into this position.”

McCoy waved his hand, unconcerned with Jim’s involvement. “So you said your telepathy is different than a meld –what is a meld? You can actually enter someone’s mind?”

Spock stiffened and leveled a smooth stare at McCoy. “You have not been forthcoming about your intentions, Doctor. If you wanted information, you could have simply asked, and not pretended to be xenophobic or concerned about Jim.”

McCoy crossed his arms over his chest, “First of all, I’m plenty concerned about Jim, and second, I did ask.”

“I have the right to not answer your question.”

“You do,” McCoy agreed with a nod. “And it’s not surprising that you won’t answer. I got more than I expected anyway. In the meantime, you be careful around Jim, you hear? Not because he’s dangerous and you need to watch out, but because if you’re not careful, you’re gonna hurt him. So just don’t.”

“I do not intend to harm Jim.”

“Famous last words,” McCoy muttered. He shrugged and took two steps towards the door, “Well, I’ve said my piece. Are you sticking around?”

Spock nodded, “He asked me to stay.”

McCoy rolled his eyes, “‘Course he did. When he wakes up, tell him I’ll be checking in on him later because we need to talk. Try to get him to sleep as long as possible though.” McCoy stepped outside of the room, “Have fun.”

The door closed.

Spock was once again left to his own thoughts, Jim sleeping silently on his shoulder.

Leonard McCoy was odd, Spock decided. Intelligent, crafty, and creative as well. But odd. He could understand why McCoy and Jim were friends.

He looked sideways at Jim, who he suspected would be in a deep sleep for some time. Spock felt… he felt pleased that Jim felt safe enough to rest near (and on) Spock, even though Jim had said that usually only romantic partners slept together and ‘cuddled’ after intercourse.

That thought was somewhat troubling. (If only romantic partners cuddled and slept together after coitus, what did this situation do to their friendship? It was, after all, the reason he left the last time they engaged in coitus.)

But they had not had intercourse prior to sleeping, so this did not cross those boundaries Jim had previously mentioned. (Would Jim deem this position to be cuddling? How much contact was included in cuddling?) Would it be considered unusual for friends to sleep together like this, with no prior sexual intimacy (recently)?

Surely if Jim thought it would be strange, he would have refrained from cuddling Spock. (Though, he was extremely tired, and potentially not thinking clearly.)

Their friendship was built on trust and learning. Jim knew Spock did not fully understand the intricacies of human relationships. Jim would inform Spock of any boundaries that may have been crossed (or not), and Spock would adjust his behavior accordingly.

Truly, Jim was Spock’s first (only?) friend. Everyone else was an acquaintance.

He valued his friendship with Jim. He felt a great deal of gratitude towards Jim for taking the time to teach Spock about human relationships, so that he could potentially begin one with Nyota if she consented to it.

(Spock hoped she would consent to it.)

Jim curled more tightly in his sleep, huffing against Spock’s neck. He lifted the hand that had been on Spock’s thigh, and stretched it across Spock’s waist.

“Hnnn,” he whined nonsensically.

“Rest, Jim,” Spock murmured into his hair.

Jim drew back, bleary-eyed and squinting. “‘S not comfortable,” he said, voice thick with sleep. “Gotta lay down.”

Jim proceeded to move around on the bed until he was horizontal, pulling on Spock to follow his lead.

“Jim,” Spock said as Jim manhandled him into a reclined position, “This is not necessary. I can leave and allow you to sleep unencumbered –”

“Shhhh,” Jim whispered, pressing his face against Spock again once Spock was on his back. “‘S okay now,” he said, patting Spock’s chest softly. “Y’re so warm.”

“You have informed me of this previously,” Spock whispered. He peered down at Jim, “Are you comfortable now?”

Jim nodded against Spock’s shirt.

“Do you wish for me to stay?” Spock asked.

Jim nodded again. He sighed contentedly.

“Then, rest Jim.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, two things.
> 
> 1.) I am so grateful for all your comments and kudos and encouragement! There's now more comments/kudos on this story than the first part, and I really do appreciate each and every one.
> 
> 2.) I am thinking of updating on a less regular schedule. At this point, part 2 isn't quite done yet, and I'm not able to write as much as I thought I'd be able to, and we are rapidly approaching the end of what I've written so far. I'm thinking of changing to a three-week updating period, or maybe once a month, just so I can catch up with writing. I wanted to let you all know, since you've been pretty spoiled with a two-week update schedule.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock both have some realizations about their (not really a) relationship. Jim and Bones make a bet.

When Jim woke up, he felt groggy, confused, and somehow more tired than before he fell asleep. And his neck hurt. And his hip.

He groaned.

“You are remarkably prone to cuddling while you sleep.”

Jim lurched in bed, suddenly feeling wide awake. He stared down at Spock (who was laying on his back like nothing was strange about this), “You _stayed_?!”

“Affirmative,” Spock responded. “You did ask me to remain here with you.”

“How long have you been here?”

“You have slept approximately nine hours.”

“Spock, you didn’t need to stay here for nine hours,” Jim ran a hand through his hair anxiously. “You don’t even need that much sleep –have you just been sitting here? Fuck, I’m sorry that’s so boring and such a waste –you probably had shit to do –”

Spock sat up, “Jim, do not apologize. I have meditated and rested somewhat, but primarily I have been mentally conducting work relevant to my courses.”

“You’ve been doing schoolwork in your head while I’ve been slobbering on you?”

Spock cocked his head, “You did not drool.”

Jim waved his hand, “It’s rhetorical.” He rubbed his face. “Fuck, did Bones come in here? He said he would visit when he got back to campus.”

“A person did visit around six hours ago. He introduced himself as Leonard McCoy and told me to call him Doctor.” Jim snorted. Spock continued, “He also wanted me to inform you that he would be checking in on you later, as you two need to talk.”

Jim nodded, “Did he say anything else?”

Spock paused, “We spoke for a short time. He cares a great deal for you.”

Jim looked at Spock oddly, “Yeah, he does, but he doesn’t usually show it. What did he say to you?”

“He was concerned about your well-being,” Spock offered. “He told me not to hurt you, and to allow you to sleep as long as possible.”

“Not to hurt –” Jim rolled his eyes and got out of bed. “I’ll kick his ass,” he muttered as he walked to the bathroom, not responding to Spock at all.

He returned two minutes later. Spock sat on his bed, waiting patiently (as if he hadn’t been doing that for the previous nine hours).

“I’m sorry that you felt like you had to stay here, Spock,” Jim started. “It’s gotta be super illogical to waste all this time sitting here with me just because I chose to be clingy. God, and you don’t even like touch –fuck, Spock, I’m sorry –”

“Jim, please,” Spock said, standing from the bed. “If you would allow me to speak?”

Jim nodded, not quite meeting Spock’s gaze.

“I do not feel as though I have wasted my time tonight. Indeed, I am gratified that you have been able to rest.” Spock stared at Jim softly, “You have done nothing wrong. There is no need for an apology.”

Jim wished it were that easy. He still felt guilty –both for keeping Spock for nine hours ( _nine hours!_ ) and because some part of him felt sure that if Spock knew about Jim’s crush, he would never be okay with this.

“Okay, Spock,” Jim responded, still a bit tense. “Well, I won’t keep you here any longer.”

“Jim, will you tell me why you could not sleep?”

Jim hesitated for only a second, but in that second hundreds of thoughts raced through his head ( _I don’t know why –of course I know why –but you can’t tell that to Spock –he’ll hate you –he’ll leave you –everyone always leaves –_ ) and he made his decision.

“I don’t know, Spock. Sometimes my body just hates me,” he shrugged and rubbed his hands together. “Sometimes there just isn’t a reason, you know?”

Jim couldn’t quite look at Spock. “Sorry,” he added as an afterthought.

Spock stared at Jim silently, but accepted his answer with a nod. “I will take my leave. You should continue to rest, Jim.”

Jim smiled weakly, “Will do, Spock.”

Spock left.

Jim sat down on his bed and held his head in his hands. He stayed there until he was absolutely certain Spock was out of the building.

Then he, too, left and went to find McCoy.

\---

“So you’re finally done ignoring me, huh?”

Jim sat in McCoy’s living room while McCoy hovered over him. “Bones, I was sleeping.”

McCoy pointed a finger at Jim, “You were ignoring me plenty before that, and you know it. Now, mind telling me what that was all about?”

Jim groaned, “We were just sleeping –”

“I meant from the beginning, Jim,” McCoy huffed. “I left, you slept fine into Wednesday, then you and Spock went out for Thanksgiving, you slept together but not actual sleep, and then you barely slept again until Saturday.” McCoy sat down near Jim, voice finally going soft, “What happened?”

Jim looked down at his hands. They were shaking slightly. “I just… I wanted him to stay.”

“What does that mean, Jim?”

"We... we slept together on Thursday, and it was fine -everything was fine, and I was going to sleep, and he was there too, and then suddenly he was all like 'I'm leaving now and I'm an emotionless Vulcan' and I just realized..." Jim stood and started pacing around the room in front of McCoy. His voice got louder and louder as he explained, “I mean… we slept together, sure, but that’s not the only thing… we have these great discussions, and he’s trusted me so much with pieces of Vulcan culture, and I just… when we… when we slept together on Thursday, I wanted him to stay, and I wanted him to _want_ to stay, but he didn’t stay, because that’s not our arrangement –it’s not what we agreed to. Because he doesn’t want to stay. And I didn’t want to think about it, so I kept myself busy.” Jim was near-frantic, and close to shouting.

McCoy interrupted Jim’s rambling, “But he did stay, Jim –you asked him to stay last night. He told me you did. And he stayed.”

“It’s not the _same_ , Bones!” Jim yelled. “He’ll stay with me to make sure I sleep, but he won’t stay with me after we have sex. Staying when I’m exhausted and incoherent because he wants me to take care of myself isn’t the same as choosing to stay when I’m awake and aware and –and –and fucking _vulnerable_.”

“Jim,” McCoy raised his eyebrows, “You’re talking like you want him to want you in the way that you want him.”

“I want him,” Jim paused, breathing heavily. “I want him to choose to stay with me. Not do it out of some sort of sleep kick.”

“What are you saying, kid?”

“I want him to want to be with me!” Jim shouted. He paused before he finally collapsed onto the couch, tipping his head back and covering his face with his hands, “Fuck.”

“You mean romantically, yes?”

“Yes, _obviously_ , romantically,” Jim confirmed. “Fuck,” he repeated.

“You’re sure it’s still just a crush?”

Jim glared at McCoy, “As opposed to what?”

McCoy shrugged, tried to look innocent. “Something like love?”

Jim rolled his eyes, “No, Bones. This is just a fucked up infatuation. That’s all. I’m just wanting what I can’t have, ‘cause he’s gonna get with Uhura. Next semester.”

McCoy nodded, “Alright, so you wanna date the hobgoblin. I see two ways for this to end. One is you get your heart broken. The other is that maybe he realizes he wants to date you too.”

Jim laughed bitterly, “So we’re going with option number one, then. He doesn’t want me, he wants Uhura. Don’t try to get my hopes up, Bones. No one ever stays for me.”

“Well, shit, Jim,” McCoy reached forward and gripped Jim’s knee, “For what it’s worth, I’ll stay for you.”

Jim looked at him, paused, breathed for just a moment, and then smiled. “Aw, Bones,” he cooed. “Did we just have a gay moment?”

McCoy rolled his eyes and tried to remove his hand, “Godammit, Jim, can’t you take your own emotions seriously for once!” There was little heat to his tone, and the corners of his mouth were turning upwards.

Jim grabbed McCoy’s hand and held on tight, grinning widely. “I knew you loved me back! Oh, Bones, darling, let’s run away together and start a new life in the countryside!”

“I take it back, I take it _all_ back,” McCoy said, shaking Jim off. “You’re a menace!” He threw his hands in the air and walked away while Jim cackled.

When McCoy returned, he brought with him two glasses and a bottle of whiskey.

Jim raised his eyebrows, “Commiseration whiskey?”

“ _Celebration_ whiskey.”

“I feel like we haven’t been having the same conversation here, Bones.”

“While you were off in dreamland with the hobgoblin, _I_ was getting information about telepathy from the source himself.”

Jim gaped, “Spock told _you_ about his telepathy?”

“Oh, don’t be so surprised, I can fish for information,” McCoy protested while pouring them both drinks. “Well, as long as I don’t worry about coming off xenophobic. Do you wanna know what I learned or not?”

“Obviously, Bones,” Jim rolled his eyes, taking a glass.

“Turns out clothes can be a “sufficient buffer” from emotional transference and he does have mental shields. He pointed out that his touch telepathy is just a surface reading. But it sounded like a meld is something much deeper. Not just a deeper connection, but actually entering someone else’s mind, which makes sense you know. A _meld_ -ing of two people –what you were saying weeks ago.” McCoy took a drink and shook his head, “That’s all I got.”

“Shit,” Jim said. He took a sip of whiskey. “Well, I guess it’s more than what we had before.”

“Y’know, maybe it’s good you’re not dating him. Melding sounds terrifying if it gives you free reign to someone else’s mind. And giving them complete access to yours –that’s even worse.”

“Yeah, Bones. You’re not wrong.”

\---

Spock knew Jim had lied, but he couldn’t figure out exactly why.

Spock was supposed to be meditating. And yet, his thoughts continuously turned to Jim and his curious behavior over their academic break.

Why would he not tell Spock why he couldn’t sleep for two days?

If Jim knew why he hadn’t slept (and Spock knew he did, because he had lied about not knowing), then perhaps Spock could figure it out.

Spock went over the facts.

Jim had slept normally (for Jim, not when compared to most other humans) up until Thursday. On Thursday, they spent time together, went to dinner, and engaged in coitus. Jim seemed fine when Spock left…

No.

No, that wasn’t quite right.

They engaged in coitus. Jim was tired. His eyes were closed, his breath was steady. If Spock hadn’t moved, Jim would have fallen asleep within a few more minutes. But then he did move, and Jim moved too –he had been sitting up in the bed when Spock had left.

And then he hadn’t slept.

Spock juxtaposed this memory with the previous night, where Jim had once again rested on Spock and had fallen asleep easily –and stayed asleep for an above-average time length.

And then Spock understood.

\---

“Jim, I believe I understand why you were unable to sleep for a number of days last week.”

It was Tuesday. Spock had just gotten to their table at the library, and Jim tensed in response to his words. How had Spock found out? Jim only just realized it himself, and then admitted it to McCoy.

“Uh, you wanna do this here?” Jim asked, voice somewhat squeaky.

Spock sat down across from Jim, “I see no issue discussing facts.”

Jim could feel himself starting to blush, and he hated it. “How did you find out?”

“Logic,” Spock answered. “Vulcans have eidetic memories. It was simple to consider our interactions up until this point.”

“Oh,” Jim said. He felt like he was deflating. He couldn’t look at Spock, “Was I that obvious?” And this was it, then. This was when Spock would reject Jim.

“It was not obvious until I thought about it. But I will begin adjusting my behavior as necessary to ensure your health.”

Wait.

That wasn't...

Jim squinted, “To ensure my health?”

“Affirmative. Specifically, your periods of rest.”

Jim blinked. “Alright, nope. You lost me. What are you talking about?”

Spock stared at Jim calmly, “You are human and humans require touch. When I left you on Thursday, you did not sleep. When I remained with you on Saturday, you slept easily. Therefore, in the future, I will remain with you at least until you are fully resting, in order to ensure your health.”

“Spock,” Jim whispered furiously, “You can’t sleep with me every night –what are you even saying?”

“I did not intend every night, just after we engage in intercourse,” Spock said softly, mindful of people overhearing.

“You mean you… you want to… ‘engage’ again?”

“Unless you believe there is nothing further to teach me on the subject, I see no reason not to.” Spock raised his eyebrow, waiting for Jim’s response.

“No –I mean, there’s always more stuff to teach, so yeah, I’d be fine with that, I just didn’t realize that you’d be… anyway, um, thanks, Spock, but you totally don’t have to do that. I’m an adult. I can sleep on my own.”

Spock stared at him flatly. “Clearly not.”

Jim spluttered.

Spock continued before Jim could get a word in, “Furthermore, you are the one who taught me how important touch is for humans. Denying it to you after… intimacy therefore seems doubly cruel.”

Jim sighed and wiped his hand down his face. “I’m not gonna die from lack-of-touch, Spock. I’m not an infant.”

“I did not call you such. Also, I recognize that you are attempting to undervalue your desire for it, even though your previous actions indicate otherwise. Do you not wish for me to sleep with you?”

“Oh my god,” Jim groaned quietly, trying not to draw too much attention to their table. “You can’t just _say_ that –I thought we were supposed to be discrete about this, Spock.”

“No one is listening,” Spock reassured. Jim was pretty sure that if Spock was the type of being to roll his eyes, he would’ve.

“No, it’s not that I don’t want… that… but it’s such a waste of time for you, Spock. Don’t you think it’s a bit illogical? You could be doing so many other things.”

“If your concern is about me, I wish to remind you that it was my suggestion to do this. Therefore, I am completely accepting of the time commitment and other potential consequences of this behavioral shift.”

Jim gaped. “I… uh…” he stumbled over words. “But we’re not… it’s not… this isn’t a romance, Spock –people with our kind of relationship don’t just cuddle after sex,” Jim whispered. But he desperately wanted it, even though he knew it wasn’t _exactly_ what he wanted and it wasn’t fair, but if this was all he could get…

“Affirmative. I believe we are both able to understand that our relationship is not romantic in nature. I wish to do this in order to guarantee your health, Jim. You are my friend. And it…” Spock paused, weighing his words carefully. “I find I am particularly concerned when I consider the state you were in last week, and about the potential for it happening again due to my actions, or lack thereof. Please allow me to assist you in this small way.”

Well shit.

“Only when we… y’know?” Jim gestured with his hands so Spock would get his point.

“Engage in inter-”

“Yes, Spock, yes – _that_.”

“That is the logical solution.”

Jim breathed in very slowly and released it. Bones was going to kill him.

“Okay. I accept your offer.”

(Some time later: “Jim, when I first arrived and before you questioned what I was speaking of, what did you believe I was talking about?”

“Nothing, Spock –absolutely nothing. Don’t worry about it.”)

\---

“I’m beginning to think,” McCoy drawled, “that you do this shit as a coping skill. It’s similar to how some people self-harm: you intentionally set yourself up for emotional destruction.”

“Emotional destruction, huh, Bones?”

McCoy nodded with a glare, “You can’t even deny it. You literally just told me _three days ago_ that you wanted him to stay with you because he wanted to, not out of a sense of obligation – a sleep kick, you called it, I think. And now you’re gonna go and get your hopes up. Look, Jim, it took like three months for you to get a crush on Spock and then want to date him. I’d be willing to bet you that by next semester, you’ll be in love with him.”

Jim guffawed loudly, “Alright, Bones, how about 25 credits? And is that by the start of next semester or by the end?”

“You’re on, kid. And let’s say by mid-semester.”

“Sounds great, but I just hope you remember that the only things I love are that ship I saw being built back in Iowa, and a challenge.”

McCoy snorted and rolled his eyes but they shook on it.

“Okay, so unlike _you_ , I actually slept last week, so I need to do work. So quit your yapping.”

Jim laughed but acquiesced. He picked up his padd as McCoy hunkered down over his own padd.

Thirty minutes later, Jim broke the silence. “The Hebrew calendar is weird, Bones. It’s a lunar calendar, but it adjusts to the Earth’s solar calendar, so the holidays are always generally within the same season.”

“Why do you suddenly care about the Hebrew calendar, Jim?”

“It’s just interesting is all.”

McCoy stared at Jim flatly. “…This has to do with Spock, doesn’t it.”

“Not everything has to do with Spock, Bones!”

There was a pause. Jim avoided McCoy’s open stare.

McCoy asked again, “But it _is_ about S–”

“ _Fine_ , god, _yes_ , it’s about Spock –of course it is, Bones. Fuck.”

“Maybe I’ll change the bet parameters. You’re sure you’re not in love with him _now_?”

“Fuck off, Bones. Research isn’t love. It’s just learning and it means nothing.”

(Some part of Jim’s brain recognized that he said the same thing about Spock and him having sex, and he was very wrong about that.)

“Didn’t you say that about –”

Jim groaned, “Don’t you have work to do, Bones?”

McCoy smirked, but said nothing else. Jim followed links to learn more about Jewish holidays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have officially moved to a three-week posting schedule from here on out. Thanks for all your words and support so far! Hope everyone has a good Mardi Gras, Valentine's Day, and any other holidays you might be celebrating! :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fall semester ends (on a bittersweet note)

“You know, I can’t shake the feeling that you’re going easy on me, Spock,” Jim panted on Thursday. He stood with his knees bent, facing Spock from across the exercise mat. Jim was sweating. Spock was not. “Especially since I know you can pin me in like two seconds, if necessary.”

“Vulcans are approximately three times stronger than humans.” Jim opened his mouth, but Spock spoke again before Jim could comment, “In addition, I will remind you that stating a fact is not bragging.”

Jim huffed a laugh, circling around Spock to look for weaknesses, “I thought you had to be touching me to read my mind.”

“I am not reading your mind, simply anticipating the patterns of your thoughts, as I am somewhat familiar with them.”

Jim rushed at Spock from the side, intent on knocking him to the ground. Spock side-stepped the attempt. But instead of sprinting past Spock, Jim stopped, pivoted towards Spock and kicked his knees out from under him. With a well-placed hand on Spock’s upper chest, Jim slammed Spock to the ground.

He swung a leg over Spock, sitting on top of him (part of Jim’s brain was very excited about this part in an extremely inappropriate way) and smiling smugly.

“Didn’t anticipate _that_ , did you?”

Spock did not roll his eyes, because Vulcan’s didn’t do that. Instead, he kicked up his legs and hips, grabbed Jim’s arms, and threw Jim right over his head. Jim landed on his back somewhere above Spock, gasping for breath.

Jim sat up and glared at Spock, who was already standing.

“That’s cheating,” Jim claimed. “Humans can’t do shit like that.”

“I am not fully human. Consider it practice for any combat you may encounter with other aliens when you are captain of a ship.”

Jim stood up with a huff, “First of all, I like your use of ‘when’. Second, do you really foresee me getting into a lot of fights when I’m captain? Isn’t it all supposed to be about diplomacy?”

“Jim, Starfleet is a military organization. In addition, I find myself under the impression that you are attracted to danger.”

“I think it’s actually that danger likes me.”

“Danger is not an entity that can have wants or desires, Jim.”

Jim rolled his eyes, “Anyway, if I’m ever locked in combat with an alien species that’s stronger than me, you’ll just have to save me.”

Jim paused.

Spock raised one eyebrow.

Jim felt the beginning of panic in his chest.

“Not that –” he started, trying to backtrack, “I mean, we wouldn’t be –who’s to say we’d be on the same ship anyway –that’s a pretty big assumption. You’d probably be the captain of your own ship –”

“I have no intention of becoming a captain,” Spock said smoothly. “In what capacity would you have me serve under you?”

Jim blinked, “You don’t want to be captain?”

“Indeed.”

“But why? You were taking command classes,” Jim recalled the ethics class they had shared the year before.

“I have taken command classes because it is my minor.”

“Oh.” Jim stated eloquently.

“Jim,” Spock reiterated, staring intently at Jim, “in what capacity would you have me serve under you?”

Jim blinked and refocused sharply on Spock. Just from Spock’s look and his question, Jim felt heat pool low in his stomach. He marched closer to Spock, coming to stand close enough to be almost inappropriate.

“When I have my ship? Chief Science Officer, probably.” Jim grinned and leaned in closer, voice lowering against Spock’s ear, “Right now? I can think of some different ways I’d like you under me, if you get what I’m saying.”

Jim did not see how Spock’s hands clenched into fists, but he did hear Spock’s sharp inhale.

“Perhaps we should relocate,” Spock offered.

Jim agreed, “Perhaps we should.”

\---

As soon as the door shut to Jim’s room, Jim had Spock crowded against it, coming in close for a human kiss and to start pulling off layers of clothing. God it was hot _–Spock_ was hot –and there was some part of Jim that just wanted Spock to fuck him against the wall –

Spock growled –he _growled_ –in Jim’s ear before pressing Jim against the wall by the door, grabbing at Jim’s legs so they wrapped around his waist.

_Oh, fuck yes_.

Jim decided that he loved Vulcan strength almost as much as he loved Vulcan touch telepathy. And while clinging to Spock against a wall really restricted his ability to move the lower half of his body, Spock was taking care of that.

Spock was also mouthing at the curve between Jim’s neck and shoulder and _goddamn_ that felt really good.

“Clothes,” Jim said, tilting his head to give Spock better access. “Clothes.” Jim started pulling at the back of Spock’s shirt, trying to lift it up to get it off.

Spock stepped back, setting Jim back down on the ground before pulling off his shirt and Jim’s. Jim quickly shucked his pants and underwear as well, stumbling over to his desk to get a condom and lubricant before returning to Spock, who had also removed his clothes.

“C’mon,” Jim said, crowding up to Spock again now that they were both naked. “Let’s do that again –you should definitely fuck me against the wall tonight –it’s a good learning experience.”

“Jim,” Spock hissed before kissing him, stroking his hand down Jim’s arm until their fingers laced. Jim grinned into Spock’s mouth before pulling away and bringing Spock’s hand to his lips, intent on driving Spock a little crazy.

But as soon as he nipped at Spock’s fingers, Spock’s other hand dipped low and he pressed two fingers into Jim slowly. Jim moaned and bucked his hips, leaning heavily against the wall, forgetting entirely about Spock’s hand that he was just about to suck on.

“Spock,” he groaned, drawing out the name.

Spock stared at Jim. “I admit your thoughts about rendering me senseless were very appealing. I would prefer to do that to you.” He thrust in and out of Jim again.

“Cheater,” Jim gasped when Spock’s thumb brushed over his clit.

“I most certainly am not,” Spock murmured, leaning in to kiss Jim’s collarbone.

Spock pressed Jim into the wall, keeping enough distance between their hips so he could thrust his fingers in and out of Jim with little difficulty. Jim’s mouth fell open in pleasure, and Spock nipped at Jim’s collarbone before working his way down Jim’s body.

When he knelt in front of Jim, his free hand trailed up the inside of Jim’s thigh. “If you would please spread your legs for me, Jim,” he suggested, breath caressing Jim’s skin.

Jim wondered if he could die from this, and did as he was asked.

Immediately, Spock began licking at Jim’s entrance, fingers still working in and out of him, and Jim just about wailed in response. With nothing else to grab on to, Jim skimmed his fingertips over Spock’s shoulders and neck before finally settling his hands on Spock’s head, trying not to grip him too hard.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he keened as Spock sucked lightly at his clit.

“In time,” Spock intoned softly before returning to lap at Jim again. Jim moaned in response, hands tightening in Spock’s hair before relaxing again.

Within two minutes, Jim’s legs were shaking and he was gasping for breath. (And _Christ_ it wasn’t fair that Spock was so damn good at this when he was still so new to it.) And while there was a part of him that never wanted this to stop, he also wanted more.

Jim pushed and pulled at Spock’s shoulders until Spock stood and pressed Jim against the wall again, kissing Jim with his mouth and hand. He tasted like Jim (and some part of Jim knew Spock was smug about his actions.)

“Come _on_ , Spock,” Jim pleaded.

Jim swore he felt Spock smirk against his lips before he murmured, “So impatient.”

Jim wrapped his arms over Spock’s shoulders, attempting to climb him like a tree, “Yes, yes, I fucking _am_ impatient –let’s _go_ , Spock.” As a last ditch effort, he tried to think very loudly about exactly what he wanted Spock to do, and how good it would feel once Spock was inside him, and how turned on he was, and –

Spock ripped the condom open with his mouth –with his _mouth_ , oh my _god_ –and rolled it on while staring at Jim, and Jim could not look away even if he wanted to (he didn’t want to).

Spock picked Jim up again and Jim wasted no time in wrapping his legs around Spock’s waist, urging him to get a move on. Spock’s hands tightened under Jim’s thighs before he obliged, thrusting into Jim smoothly.

Spock began moving immediately, barely giving Jim time to catch his breath. Jim couldn’t stop the punched-out gasps he was making on every thrust. Spock was _perfect_ –holding Jim immobile and keeping up a near-frantic pace.

Spock buried his face in Jim’s neck, licking and biting at it, and Jim could do nothing but hold onto Spock tighter.

Jim could feel himself tensing as Spock continued to drag in and out again and again and again. It felt like his entire body was shaking from both exhaustion and anticipation –and Spock showed no signs of fatigue. Jim could feel the heat building between his thighs, his muscles pulling taut and squeezing around Spock before everything broke apart.

He wailed as he came, latching on to Spock so tightly that Spock stopped moving while Jim rode it out. When he started up again Jim was pliable in his arms and moaning at every thrust. It took three more sharp moves into Jim before Spock hissed Jim’s name and came, stilling inside of Jim and finally ceasing his movements.

For a moment, they just breathed together, hearts thumping wildly.

And then Jim felt Spock take one deep breath in, and he knew it was done.

Spock withdrew, pulling out of Jim and setting him down gently before stepping away. Jim’s legs felt a little bit like jelly after being wrapped around Spock’s waist for so long. He stumbled to the bed to sit down.

After Spock disposed of the condom, he sat next to Jim. “Would you prefer to rest now? As per our agreement, I will stay here until you do.”

Jim huffed a laugh, and could feel himself blushing as he shook his head, “Yeah, Spock, I remember our agreement. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll take a shower first.”

“I do not mind.”

“Okay,” Jim said, nodding and standing up. “Obviously, you can stay here until I’m done –make yourself comfortable or whatever.” Jim paused, blinking. Should he invite Spock in the shower? Would that be overstepping? He didn’t know what the boundaries of their relationship were ( _it wasn’t a relationship, it was a learning experience_ ).

Spock noticed his hesitation, but attributed it to something else, “I will be here when you return.”

“Right, right. Okay,” Jim said, walking away, mind still wrapped up in the thought of bringing Spock with him.

\---

Spock was still in Jim’s room when Jim returned from the shower, just as he said he would be. He had put his clothes back on, which made Jim grateful for the towel around his waist (they couldn’t just parade around each other naked –they weren’t in a relationship). (Why did Jim have to keep reminding himself of this?)

“Are you prepared to rest now, Jim?” Spock asked again from his crossed-leg position on the bed. Jim poked around his room until he found his pajamas and put them on.

“Yeah, I am,” Jim nodded, coming to stand in front of the bed.

Spock remained sitting.

Jim blinked.

“Are you, uh,” Jim started eloquently. “Are you gonna lay down with me?”

“If that is what would help you,” Spock nodded and finally rearranged himself to a reclined position. He stared up at Jim. “Is this ideal?”

Jim could not fucking do this.

“Yep,” he squeaked, not looking at Spock. He needed to get himself under control. This was gonna be a huge problem –how could he keep his emotions under control when he was outright cuddling with Spock? If clothes were only a _sufficient_ buffer, that didn’t mean that it was perfect –what if Spock felt Jim’s crush?

But the longer he stood there, the more suspicious it became. He just needed to suck it up and –

“Jim,” Spock said. Jim finally looked at him. “C’mon,” Spock said, patting the bed next to him.

Immediately, Jim burst into laughter. He doubled over and finally crawled onto the bed, sliding up next to Spock, his worry slowly disintegrating.

He pulled his blanket up over himself. Spock stayed on top of it.

“I do not understand why you are laughing. I have witnessed you do the same actions to my own person on no less than three occasions,” Spock said, moving to lay on his side.

“You learned that from me? The ‘c’mon’ and the patting?” Jim said with a huge smile, turning to face Spock in the bed.

“Affirmative.”

“You’re an overachiever, Spock –learning things from me that I don’t even intend to teach you.”

“I strive for excellence.”

Jim laughed again, curling his body so his knees brushed against Spock’s. For a minute he didn’t know what to do with his arms (why were arms so damn awkward) before sighing and just throwing one over Spock’s waist.

Spock returned the gesture.

The buffer of clothes and blanket would have to be enough.

He leaned his forehead against Spock’s chest. He could feel Spock’s chin on the top of his head.

“Hey, Spock?”

“Hello, Jim,” Spock responded before pausing. “Your tone indicates a question.”

Jim grinned into Spock’s shirt, trying not to laugh. “Yes, it’s a way humans get someone else’s attention.”

“I see. What do you need?”

_This_. Jim wanted to say. But that wasn’t possible. And there was something Spock needed to understand.

“Once you’re with Uhura, this,” he curled his hand over Spock’s side with a small squeeze, “can’t happen anymore. You know that, right?”

Jim was hyper-aware of Spock’s body, of how he tensed and didn’t move for a few beats. Jim’s heart was pounding.

“I admit, I find myself surprised we did not discuss this earlier, particularly at the beginning of our arrangement,” Spock said, still holding himself tight.

“I, uh… I thought so too,” Jim agreed. “But since next semester is right around the corner, and Uhura won’t be your student anymore –at least, I think she won’t –”

“She is not registered for any of the classes with which I am assisting.”

“Right. Then… I just,” Jim sighed. “I figured we should talk about it.”

Spock paused. And then, “What more is there to say?”

Jim felt that question like a punch to the gut. “Right,” he repeated. “You’re right. It’s basically covered now.” He hadn’t been expecting Spock to fight for him or anything. But he also didn’t expect the easy acceptance.

“You should rest now, Jim.”

Jim nodded into Spock’s chest, not saying anything. It took him a long time to fall asleep.

Spock stayed until he did.

\---

(Amazingly, Jim did not mind going to sleep with Spock and then waking up without him. It helped him feel less used when Spock at least stayed until he was sleeping, instead of just rushing out after the deed was done. It helped provide some closure and emotional distance.

Which was then destroyed when Jim went into his bathroom and noticed the marks Spock had left on him, including (but not limited to) hickeys on his neck/collarbone and fingertip-shaped bruises on the back of his thighs.

While most of Jim was extremely glad that Starfleet’s uniforms had high collars, there was a much deeper part of him that really _really_ enjoyed being marked by Spock, emotional distance be damned.)

\---

_Jim –I need an answer. Let me know._

_-Pike_

\---

Spock and Jim chose to not get together on the Saturday before finals, as they both had a lot of studying to do and couldn’t afford to be distracted.

It happened again on Tuesday evening, as Jim had an exam Wednesday morning to focus on. And then by Thursday they had grading to finish, and then suddenly the semester was over and the dorms were closing and they still hadn’t seen each other since they last slept together (both figuratively and, in Jim’s case, literally).

Jim messaged Spock as he was on a train north.

_I’m sorry we didn’t get to hang out again before the semester ended._ _I’ll see you in January_.

Spock responded within a few moments.

_Have you returned home for the break?_

Jim snorted.

_No, I’m heading up north. Remember that antique shop I told you I worked at a while back? Where I got the books from? They’ve agreed to let me work there again over break. It’s in Seattle._

Jim hesitated, and then sent a second message. _Are you going to New Vulcan for the break?_

_Negative. I will remain in San Francisco for the duration of my time at Starfleet Academy, barring summers._

Jim typed back.

_I guess that makes sense_. _It’s a long trip to New Vulcan._

_Affirmative. It takes approximately 1.5 weeks to reach New Vulcan. To travel there and then return would take three weeks of a five week break. It would not be an ideal use of time._

Jim smiled at his padd. Maybe things could stay the same between him and Spock, even though they hadn’t really gotten a chance to say goodbye or talk at all (and their last conversation with each other had been awkward as hell) and, if he was honest, he had missed hanging out with Spock during the last week and a half of the semester. But this –these messages –made him feel better.

Even if everything would change once Spock started dating Uhura.

He put his padd down and tried to calm his racing heart.

(It didn’t mean anything.)

\---

_Pike,_

_Sorry for the long wait. Unfortunately, I cannot accept your offer at this time. I wish you luck on this mission, and I hope you can keep me in mind as other opportunities arise._

_Thank you, and sorry for the inconvenience._

_Jim Kirk_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Fall semester is DONE! (For those of you who don't recall, Pike invited Jim on a mission with him -see chapter one for more details/to boost your memory)
> 
> First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who has given kudos and/or written comments!
> 
> Secondly, it's officially been a year since I began writing this series! I created the word document for part one in February of last year, and I wrote it in about a month. Then, I created the word document for part two in March of last year, and I've been working on it ever since (and also editing part on, writing parts of the next few installments, and other things too). So yay for a few writing anniversaries!
> 
> Thirdly and finally, I'm going to stay on the three-week-posting schedule until the end of this part. I think it's working pretty well for me so far (and it's given me more time to write another (shorter) Star Trek ficlet that I may be posting at some point!) So thanks for your patience, and thanks for your support! I really appreciate all of you!


	10. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The winter break, in a slightly different format than usual.

_New Message_

JTK: _Made it to Seattle and settled in to the sublet. You in Georgia yet?_

Bones: _Yeah, made it here yesterday and surprising Jo tonight. How’s the sublet?_

JTK: _Big, for Seattle._

Bones: _So, small._

JTK: _here’s a walkthrough [video attachment]_

Bones: _I’m surprised it was more than thirty seconds long_

JTK: _Yeah well_

JTK: _I needed to show you all the different parts of the studio_

JTK: _I’ll only be here for like a month so I don’t need much space_

Bones: _It’s nice enough. Mine’s better though [video attachment]_

JTK: _-eye-roll emoji- -eye-roll emoji- -eye-roll emoji-_

JTK: _I get it –I have a studio apartment I’m subletting and you have a house outside of Atlanta that’s been in your family for centuries_

JTK: _Whatever, Bones [picture attachment]_

Bones: _We were just comparing, you don’t gotta flip me off lol_

Bones: _You’re welcome to visit anytime_

JTK: _Thanks_

JTK: _Say hi to Jo for me, and send me pictures_

Bones: _Will do. Be sure to let me know you’re alive every once in a while._

JTK: _Alright Bones_

\---

Bones: _Jo wanted to say hi [video attachment]_

JTK: _Hi, Jo! It’s good to see you! You’re getting so big!_

Bones: _thanx uncle jimm_

Bones: _-smile face-_ _-smile face- -smile face- -smile face- -firework- -firework- -firework- -red heart- -yellow heart- -green heart- -blue heart- -purple heart- -cake- -cake- -cake- -rainbow- -rainbow- -cake- -rainbow- smile face- -tongue sticking out face- -purple heart- -heart eyes face- -rainbow- -cake- -cake- -cake- -firework- -smile face- -smile face- -tongue sticking out face- -rainbow-_

JTK: _Wow! Thanks for all the emojis!_

Bones: _She really likes them._

JTK: _Same –smile face- -thumbs up- -rainbow- -rainbow-_

Bones: _Stop._

JTK: _…_

JTK: _…_

JTK: _-rainbow-_

Bones: _We’re not friends anymore._

JTK: _-laughing face-_

\---

_New Message_

JTK: _look at all these paper books!_

JTK: [ _picture attachment_ ]

Spock: _Your face is blocking one third of the view of books in this picture._

JTK: _Yeah it’s a selfie_

JTK: _Have you ever taken a selfie?_

Spock: _Negative._

JTK: _You should. It’s fun! You can even add filters like this [picture image]_

Spock: _I do not understand. Why are there dog ears?_

JTK: _because it’s cute! [picture image]_

JTK: _[picture image]_

JTK: _You should do one with a flower crown._

Spock: _I will consider it._

JTK: _Is that a no, then?_

Spock: _That is the most likely outcome._

\---

JTK: _[picture image]_

JTK: _[picture image]_

JTK: _[picture image]_

Bones: _Jim, you’re a grown ass man, stop using the dog filter. Are you really that bored at work? What even is the last one?_

JTK: _I’m a bunny!_

JTK: _Amazingly, not many people care about antiques at this time in the afternoon._

Bones: _Now you got Joanna started ugh_

JTK: _You’re welcome!_

Bones: _[picture image]_

Bones: _[picture image]_

Bones: _[picture image]_

Bones: _[picture image]_

Bones: _[picture image]_

JTK: _You are adorably grumpy in all of these_

Bones: _I hate you. Jo wants to faceswap._

Bones: _[picture image]_

JTK: _That is horrifying. Faceswap her with me next!_

Bones: _[picture image]_

JTK: _it’s terrible I love it!_

\---

Spock: _I do not understand your enthusiasm about the filters. All of them are objectionable._

JTK: _Wait_

JTK: _You tried the filters and didn’t sent me pics?_

Spock: _I did not take pictures_.

JTK: _But you looked at the filters?_

Spock: _Affirmative._

JTK: _No no no that’s not allowed_

JTK: _you have to take pics_

JTK: _and then send them to me_

Spock: _I believe I just told you all the filters are objectionable. Why would I want to take a picture with the filter if I find it distasteful?_

JTK: _because you want to make my day better_

JTK: _and because it doesn’t hurt anyone to do it_

JTK: _and because they’re not distasteful they’re cute_

JTK: _pleeeeeeeeeaassseeee do it do it do it_

JTK: _do it_

JTK: _Spock_

JTK: _why aren’t you responding???_

JTK: _is it because you’re choosing which selfie to send me?_

JTK: _you could just send a normal selfie without a filter_

JTK: _pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee???????????????????????????????????_

Spock: _I will not reward your current behavior with an image of my face._

JTK: _noooo Spock come on_

JTK:  _pics or it didn't happen!_

\---

Bones: _Jo and I are gonna ship your gift to you for the holiday_

JTK: _I’m just gonna give you your gift in person instead of shipping it there and worrying that it might break_

Bones: _so it’s breakable?_

Bones: _it’s alcohol isn’t it._

JTK: _not telling._

JTK: _you’ll have to wait until January_

Bones: _whatever anyway Jo was really excited about your gift so she’ll want a pic or video or something of your reaction. You really should just come visit next time._

JTK: _yeah maybe next year_

\---

JTK: _Happy Hanukkah, Spock!_

JTK: _Chag Sameach!_

_Spock:_ _Thank you, Jim. Chag Sameach._

 ---

JTK: _Happy second day of Hanukkah!_

JTK: _Did you eat any latkes?_

Spock: _I did not. Happy Hanukkah. Again._

JTK: _You should. They’re pretty tasty. Try them with applesauce –yum!_

Spock: _I will take your suggestion under consideration._

\---

JTK: _Happy third day of Hanukkah!_

Spock: _Are you planning on doing this for all eight days of Hanukkah?_

JTK: _yeah probably_

JTK: _did you try the latkes yet?_

Spock: _Affirmative. Your recommendation was appreciated._

JTK: _I recommend selfies with filters too!_

\---

JTK: _Happy fourth day of Hanukkah!_

Spock: _Thank you, Jim._

\---

JTK: _Happy fifth day of Hanukkah!_

Spock: _Thank you, Jim._

\---

JTK: _Happy sixth day of Hanukkah!_

Spock: _Thank you, Jim. You know you do not have to do this, correct?_

JTK: _yeah I know_

\---

JTK: _Happy seventh day of Hanukkah!_

Spock: _Thank you._

\---

JTK: _Happy last day of Hanukkah!_

JTK: _look at all these candles! [picture attached]_

Spock: _Thank you, Jim. Your menorah looks quite bright._

JTK: _Thanks, I found it in the antique store like two weeks ago!_

Spock: _That is impeccable timing._

JTK: _I thought so too! I texted you when I lit the candles each night_

Spock: _I have reconsidered your recommendation._

JTK: _which one?_

                                                                                                           Spock: _[picture attachment]_

JTK: _omg!!!_

JTK: _the flower crown!!!_

Spock: _Happy Hanukkah, Jim._

\---

JTK: _Merry Christmas, Bones!_

Bones: _Merry Christmas, Jim! [picture attachment]_

JTK: _That’s a great picture! Jo looks so excited!_

Bones: _She is. She got a new bike to learn to ride._

JTK: _That’s awesome!_

Bones: _We’re gonna send your presents to you tonight so you should get them sometime tomorrow._

JTK: _You know you didn’t have to get me anything_

Bones: _First of all, you don’t even celebrate this holiday and you got something for me. Secondly, Jo was really adamant. She is also the reason you're getting your presents tomorrow._

JTK: _???_

Bones: _You’ll have to wait and see._

\---

JTK: _I’m literally going to frame Jo’s picture to bring with me on my first starship_

JTK: _I’ll bring yours along too._

Bones: _She really wanted to draw a picture of you captaining a ship. She put me and herself there too._

JTK: _it’s beautiful and I love it. I’m gonna find a frame for it at the shop tomorrow._

JTK: _and how did you get a hold of a model of the Enterprise?_

Bones: _I got it before we left San Francisco._

JTK: _you could’ve just given it to me then!_

Bones: _it wasn’t Christmas then!_

JTK: _technically it isn’t Christmas now either_

JTK: _also thank you for the sugar cookies_

JTK: _also thank you for bagging the ones you made separately from the ones Jo made, because I can mock you for it_

Bones: _You aren’t allowed to mock me for anything until after you try to make cookies. It’s really difficult. It’s a tradition for us to make cookies on Christmas, but usually we don’t do it from scratch. It’s why we had to wait to send you your presents._

Bones: _Also, I thought my dinosaur cookies turned out really good._

JTK: _They’re dinosaurs?_

JTK: _This is supposed to be a dinosaur? [picture attachment]_

Bones: _If you’re gonna be mean, I’ll take the cookies back._

\---

Bones: _Happy New Year, Jim!_

JTK: _Happy New Year, Bones!_

JTK: _Give Jo a kiss for me!_

\---

JTK: _Happy New Year, Spock!_

Spock: _Happy New Terran Year, Jim. You neglected to inform me of the various traditions surrounding this particular holiday. I am still confused why there are fireworks._

JTK: _You neglected to ask_

JTK: _But sorry_

JTK: _I’ll add it to our lessons for next year_

JTK: _this year_

JTK: _next semester_

Spock: _That would be agreeable._

 --

JTK: _[picture attachment]_

JTK: _It’s finally framed!_

Bones: _I’ll be sure to let Jo know. She was thrilled that you liked her cookies more than mine._

Bones: _Also, remind me when you’re going back to campus._

JTK: _-insert age joke here-_

Bones: _You’re not funny._

JTK: _I’m going back the Sunday before classes start. You?_

Bones: _Same. Should be getting in during the early evening. Wanna get together?_

JTK: _Sounds good to me._

\---

JTK: _Spock, we haven’t talked in daaaayyyss_

JTK: _Tell me about your life_

Spock: _My life has been satisfactory thus far. I was born in the Vulcan year of 8870, commonly known as 2230. You already know many significant moments from my youth, as when Vulcan was destroyed and my difficulty with my Vulcan peers. Other significant moments in my life include when I completed my kahs-wan and when I rejected admission to the Vulcan Science Academy. I can reasonably expect to be placed on a starship once I have completed my coursework at Starfleet Academy, and will most likely be commissioned as an officer within three years from now._

JTK: _Whoa_

JTK: _Wait_

JTK: _When I said tell me about your life, I meant like recently. Like within the few days that I missed._

JTK: _Not like the highlights reel_

Spock: _I apologize for the misunderstanding_

JTK: _You rejected admission to the Vulcan Science Academy???_

JTK: _Holy shit, Spock_

JTK: _You’re a badass_

JTK: _What’s a kahs-wan?_

JTK: _We’re gonna talk about this when I get back_

Spock: _If that is what you wish._

JTK: _I definitely wish._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now we're getting into the spring semester! Still not 100% sure how many more chapters there are for this part, but we still have quite a bit of time until the end of this (some of you are so impatient!) I do know the next few chapters are gonna be a bit longer, so there's something to look forward to :)
> 
> A few comments about this chapter: 1.) Joanna is definitely based off of a small child I met once, who a friend of mine used to nanny; 2.) that same friend helped me with some of the dialogue and ideas in this chapter (the "Jim you're a grown ass man" line and basically all the filter discussions and Bones sucking at making dinosaur cookies lmao) so thank you, friend!; 3.) I'm assuming that in the future, they just use transporters for mail, thus Bones saying that they'll send Jim's present that night and Jim receives it the next day.
> 
> Thank you all for your comments and kudos! I love seeing all of them and I really appreciate all of you! Next chapter in three weeks! Have a good almost-month!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang is reunited for the spring semester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a long one! Enjoy!

Jim was back at Starfleet Academy almost before he knew it (and some part of him imagined saying that to Spock, who would, of course, respond with some retort about how illogical it was).

His train from Seattle dropped him off on the Sunday before classes started. He lugged his baggage up to his dorm room, wondering if McCoy had returned yet –if Spock was around.

They could probably do dinner. Jim should ask.

He typed a message to Spock once he had dropped his bags in his room.

_I’m back in San Fran –you available for dinner?_

While waiting for Spock to respond, he also shot a message off to McCoy.

_What time are you back? Drinks later?_

He flopped down on his bed, padd in hand. He should probably spend some time unpacking, but he couldn’t muster the energy yet.

After a few moments, Spock responded.

_It is gratifying to hear you have returned to the area. However, I am unavailable tonight. If you share your schedule with me, we may be able to discover a time when we are both free. My own schedule is attached below._

Jim couldn’t help but smile, even though he was disappointed Spock wasn’t free.

He typed back a response.

_So I’ve attached my class schedule, and hopefully that’s good enough for figuring out when we can hang out. Looks like we both have some free time on Tuesday evenings that you have blocked off for grading and schoolwork, and we could hang out on Saturdays again, if you wanted. Let me know what you think._

Spock responded:

_That is acceptable. I will see you on Tuesday. Would you prefer to eat dinner at that time, as we could not tonight?_

Jim smiled.

_Sure, Spock. I’ll see you then._

He ignored the way his heart fluttered, and how his stomach already clenched in anticipation.

(If he ignored it, maybe it would go away entirely). He messaged McCoy again.

_Never mind. Drinks now?_

McCoy finally answered.

_You’re paying. I’ll meet you in five._

\---

They went to a nearby bar.

“How was your break, Bones?” Jim asked as they slid into their chairs. “Did Jo learn how to ride that bike?”

McCoy nodded, digging into his pocket, “Watch this –it only took her two weeks. She learned just before I left.” The pride was evident in his tone.

Jim watched, grinning widely. The video started with Joanna on the bike, firmly telling her father that she could do it, and she didn’t need his help this time, and that he just needed to watch. She started off slightly wobbly, but stayed upright and rode up and down the road with a smug grin on her face. Jim could hear McCoy cheering in the background of the video before it ended.

“That’s great, Bones –you gotta send that to me. I’m glad you got to spend time with her.”

McCoy grinned somewhat sadly, looking down at his drink, “I’m glad too. Seeing her over breaks just… it just really isn’t enough, you know?”

Jim didn’t know. He hadn’t seen his family in a long time.

“Enough about that,” McCoy said brusquely. “Jo is doing great, and wants you to visit next time. She really liked your selfies,” he remarked with an eye-roll.

Jim laughed at that, throwing his head back. “Well you know I aim to impress.”

McCoy took a drink, grinning. “Did you have fun in Seattle?”

Jim shrugged, “It rained a lot. But it was nice to be back there again. It’s been,” Jim sighed, counting in his head, “six and a half years, I think?”

McCoy’s eyebrows raised, “That’s a long time. I’m surprised they let you come back –are the people you originally worked with in that store still there?”

“The owner is the same, and two other people. Everyone else was different, but it wasn’t a bad thing. It was kinda nice, you know? I had something to do during the day, and then had lots of free time at night to see the city. It was great.”

McCoy shook his head, “Give me a small town any day,” he groused.

Jim laughed and rolled his eyes. “Oh, please,” he said, “without big cities, where would I be able to find you a bottle of your favorite liquor?”

McCoy’s eyes got big and he lowered his drink to the table, “You didn’t.”

Jim grinned, “I did. One bottle of Saurian Brandy, for your stash. It’s back at my place.”

“Shit, Jim, you shouldn’t have.”

“Happy holidays, Bones.”

“I knew you got me alcohol!” McCoy grinned, “Well thanks, Jim. You sure know how to make a guy feel special.”

“Only you, Bones.” Jim hesitated, “Well… kinda.”

McCoy squinted, “Whaddya mean?”

“Well, I mean,” Jim was blushing now, “you’re the only _human_ that’s special.”

“You got brandy for Spock? Vulcans don’t even drink, Jim!”

“I didn’t get him brandy and will you keep your voice down, oh my god.”

McCoy rolled his eyes, “What did you get him, then? A ring? Does my brandy also come with my 25 credits?”

“I got him books, you ass. And the bet is still on.”

“Maybe a ring next year, then,” McCoy scoffed. “My god, Jim.”

“Shut up –you’re just supposed to say thanks for the brandy and we’ll move along.”

“Thanks for the brandy. You probably only got it out of selfishness, seeing as I’m likely to end up drinking it with you someday in the future.”

“Well, obviously. It’s not like you have any other friends to drink with.”

McCoy spluttered as Jim cackled. “You know, Jim, you are not the center of the universe. Maybe I’ll just drink it by myself.”

Jim smiled, “Aw, Bones, where’s the fun in that?”

McCoy glared and opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, they heard someone scream, “JIM!”

They both turned, and Jim almost fell out of his seat as Gaila threw herself at him forcefully. He grabbed on to her, both in response to her hug but also to keep himself from becoming intimate with the ground.

“It’s been _months_ , Jim! You bring a girl back to your room, call her your F.U.C.K. buddy, and then you don’t write or call,” she slapped his arm playfully. “I see how it is.”

Jim grinned, “Oh, come on, Gaila, I showed you a good time, didn’t I?”

Her voice dropped, “I could show you a better one,” she said, giving him a wink. She kept an arm around Jim and turned to face McCoy, “Leonard McCoy, it’s been a while.”

“It sure has,” McCoy agreed. “Ready for this semester?”

Gaila started laughing, “Not a chance! That’s why I’m here, drinking my sorrows away! For some reason, people here keep buying me shots.”

“I’m sure it has nothing to do with your pheromones,” Jim commented.

Gaila leaned into Jim a little more heavily, “Nothing _at all_ ,” she giggled. “You boys should drink with me. I have too many to keep to myself, and I know neither of you will try to get fresh with me if I let loose a little.”

“You don’t gotta ask us twice,” McCoy agreed with a grin. “And you,” he turned to Jim, “we’ll talk about this later.”

Jim rolled his eyes, “Yes, _Dad_.”

Gaila dragged them both from their table over to the bar, where the bartender was pouring a row of shots for them. And Jim grinned as he watched Gaila and McCoy take theirs before he downed his own.

(He had missed this.)

\---

Jim woke up on a bed that was not his own, all of his clothes still on (even his shoes, or, at least, one of them), with Gaila’s arm wrapped around his waist and McCoy sleeping on the floor next to them.

Jim smiled softly, nuzzled into Gaila’s embrace, and then went back to sleep.

\---

“Spock!”

Jim practically skipped over to where Spock was waiting for him at the gates of the Academy, where they had agreed to meet to walk to dinner together. (And he wasn’t nervous or jittery _at all_ –definitely _hadn’t_ remembered that their last face-to-face conversation was about their not-a-relationship ending once Spock’s preferred relationship began.)

Jim stopped in front of Spock, a wide grin on his face, visibly holding himself back from touching Spock in any way. His heart was racing, and felt like it might burst. “How are you?”

“Hello, Jim,” Spock said, and Jim could see the smile in his eyes –in the way his lips turned up _just so_ at the corners. “I am functioning adequately. And yourself?”

“Functioning better now,” Jim said softly as they turned to walk together. “I missed you.”

Spock looked down, clasping his hands behind his back, “I will admit that over the break there were many moments that I wished for your presence, and I am gratified that you have returned to campus.”

Jim was sure his heart would burst. “Spock, I think that was one of the kindest things you’ve ever said to me.”

“I spoke only the truth.”

“Even so,” Jim said, still unable to keep himself from smiling or from brushing his shoulder against Spock’s. “Hopefully my messages helped you feel like I was right here with you.”

“Your messages gave me insight around human behavior across long distances.”

“Is that Vulcan-speak for you think I’m ridiculous but found some of my messages funny?”

Spock raised an eyebrow, “Vulcan-speak?”

“Yeah, like when you talk around saying something in order to try to sound logical, especially when it’s something emotional. Vulcan-speak.”

Spock gave Jim a flat look.

Jim laughed, “I saved your selfie, by the way. Best Hanukkah present ever.”

Spock did not sigh. Jim continued to laugh.

“Also, you have some explaining to do. I didn’t know you rejected the Vulcan Science Academy –are you, like, the only person to ever do that?”

“At this time, I believe your assessment is correct.”

“Why?” Jim asked.

Spock paused. “Similar to my peers who were fully Vulcan, the senior professors of the Academy revealed at my admission hearing that they would never see me as their equal as, to them, I was starting from a disadvantage due to my human mother.”

Jim actually gaped. “What dicks. Did you tell them to eat a bunch of dicks.”

Spock’s eyebrow raised, “I did not. I informed them that I would not attend, and told them a common parting statement in Vulcan culture.”

“What’s the statement?”

“Live long and prosper.”

Jim grinned, “Did you say it just like that? Like, as if you were actually saying ‘fuck off’?”

“I did not say it with any particular inflection, just as I said it five point nine seconds ago.”

“Oh, no,” Jim shook his head, still grinning. “You totally had an inflection six seconds ago, which means you _definitely_ said it even more obvious to them. I love it –that’s amazing, Spock. Good for you.”

Jim watched the corner of Spock’s lips turn up before speaking again.

“Now what was that other thing that you mentioned?”

“The kahs-wan.”

“Yes. That. Kahs-wan.”

“It is a Vulcan maturity test. Traditionally, a Vulcan adolescent shows their maturity by surviving ten days without food, water, or weapons in Vulcan’s Forge, which was a vast desert area, subject to electrical sandstorms and geomagnetic instability. As Vulcan was destroyed, and the Forge no longer available, the Council chose an appropriate replacement once our new home was created.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Did you mishear me?”

“What the fuck? You all go into a desert –a desert that has _electrical sandstorms_ and _geomagnetic instability_ –for ten fucking days without any sort of protection or sustenance in order to prove you’re mature?”

“It is tradition. Many of my Vulcan peers were forced to delay their kahs-wan until New Vulcan was founded.”

“So once New Vulcan was founded, some seventeen year olds had to prove their maturity by nearly dying instead of fourteen year olds.”

“The typical age for a kahs-wan is eight.”

“Eight.”

“Yes, Jim. Eight.”

“Eight years old.”

“Affirmative.”

“Not eighteen.”

“Jim, are you feeling well? You are repeating me quite often and asking nonsensical questions.”

“I’m fine, fucking Christ, are _you_ fine? You said _adolescents_ –that’s like thirteen years old not _eight_. You could’ve died when you were _eight_ , holy _shit_ , how do Vulcans get away with saying they’re all about logic when you do shit like _that_.”

“As I am standing before you today, I very obviously survived the event. In addition, I completed my kahs-wan when I was seven, within a year after New Vulcan’s founding. It was during my kahs-wan that I committed myself to the Vulcan way of logic.”

“Fucking _Christ,_ of course you did,” Jim cursed, running a hand down his face. “Alright, alright, fuck, just give me a second to get over this new piece of information on Vulcan culture,” Jim said, trying to stop freaking out.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, hiking up and down the San Francisco hills and dodging other pedestrians on their way to the restaurant.

“Okay, now hang on a second. You did this ritual when you were seven?”

“That is what I just told you, Jim.”

“Wasn’t that before you met with Vulcan Healers? Weren’t you severely traumatized at that point in time? Wasn’t it _super illogical_ for any adult to approve you doing this ritual?”

“I recall now the human propensity towards asking questions in order to prove the speaker incorrect. I had not previous realized that inclination extended to conditions that have already passed and, thus, cannot be changed.”

“Spock,” Jim said, “you’re avoiding my questions.”

“You are correct that I completed my kahs-wan prior to my meeting with Vulcan Healers. Indeed, I was compromised at that point in my life, due primarily to trauma. And no Vulcan adult approved of my actions prior to my leaving.”

Jim stared at Spock, “You did this without telling anyone?”

“I will restate that I was compromised at the time. My reasons for doing so were illogical.”

“And what were those reasons?”

They arrived at the restaurant and were seated immediately. Spock took that time to collect his thoughts.

“I wanted to prove myself as a true Vulcan. That was my primary motive at the time. The members of my race had spent the previous three years moving from place to place, attempting to find a location to live while also preserving what remained of our culture. As half-Vulcan, I found myself an outsider in most settings. I believed that if I passed the kahs-wan, I would prove to everyone that I was an equal. My reasoning was emotional, highly illogical, and ultimately incorrect.”

Jim watched Spock carefully. “And yet you listed this experience as significant in your life.”

“Affirmative. Even though my reasons were illogical, it is remarkable for a seven year old to complete a kahs-wan, particularly a traumatized seven year old. It is also, as I mentioned before, when I decided to follow the path of logic.”

“Interesting,” Jim commented, finally looking at the menu.

When he remained silent, Spock prompted him, “What, exactly, is interesting, Jim?”

“Well, what I’m hearing from these stories –aside from the fact that Vulcans are apparently fine with allowing eight year olds to fend for themselves or die –is that you’ve always been a rebellious little shit,” he grinned. “I knew there was a reason we clicked.”

Spock looked affronted. “I object to your terminology.”

“Noted,” Jim acknowledged. “You have always been a rebellious person. Better?”

“Not better,” Spock said.

“You’re objecting to the term rebellious?”

“Affirmative. Vulcans are not rebellious.”

“Spock, you literally just told me two stories –stories that you yourself called significant within your life –and both of those stories revolved around you doing what you wanted, regardless of if adults or authority figures knew or wanted you to do differently. That’s _rebellion_.”

“I was compromised in the first circumstance, which led to illogical decisions. The second was due to a shift in understanding. Neither were due to a need to revolt.”

“So maybe you just have a logical form of rebellion. Or you have pretty convenient excuses for why you rebelled. But the end result is the same.”

“Rebellion was never my intention.”

“We’ve talked about intentions and consequences before, but, alright, Spock. Whatever you say,” Jim said in a way that made it clear he did not believe whatever Spock actually said. Once they had finished ordering their food, Jim said, “Tell me what you’ve done over break.”

Spock adjusted to the change of topic quickly, as he found he did not wish to continue the previous one. “For the past five point one four weeks, I have contacted every student I worked with last semester to provide them with an evaluation of their work, I successfully ran two experiments, and I have prepared my work for the classes I am assisting with next semester.”

“You contacted every single student?” Jim blinked.

“Affirmative,” Spock nodded. “As I do every semester, in order to provide them with individualized feedback on their work as it progressed over the fifteen weeks.”

“All fifteen weeks?”

Spock nodded again, “In order for them to better perceive their progress and where they fell short.”

Jim paused, considering. “Spock… about… how long are these assessments?”

“If a student has done well, the assessment is approximately one page per week of the semester. If they have done poorly, it could range from two to three pages a week, depending on the severity of their low grades.”

Jim’s eyebrows shot up and his mouth dropped open, “You give fifteen to forty-five page assessments to every single student you work with for feedback _every semester_? _And_ organize it by week of their work?”

“Jim, it is only logical to proceed with the feedback in time order.”

“Holy shit, Spock,” Jim couldn’t decide whether to gape or laugh and so he ended up doing a mix of both. “Do you get that type of assessment in Vulcan schools?”

“Affirmative. It was primarily given at a young age, when first beginning to grapple with new concepts and theoretical ideas. As one begins engaging with more complex and multifaceted concepts, the assessments adapt to account for that. The assessments I provide vary depending on the ability level of each person.”

“So you’re saying that if a person is really bad, you’ll give them the type of assessment a Vulcan child would receive?”

Spock squinted, “It is not meant to be humiliating or to point out someone’s weakness, but to provide someone with an objective review on their performance, so they might achieve more in the future.”

Jim leaned back in his seat, thinking. “On Earth, in elementary school, we get these things called progress reports. They’re like only as big as a padd’s screen, and only give the barest information. You’re supposed to bring them back to your parents so that they can see how you’re doing, then you have a parent-teacher conference. And the report’s not really so much about telling you where to improve as just telling you if you need to. It doesn’t really give you advice as to how to do that, so maybe Vulcans are on to something there.”

Jim huffed a laugh and continued, “It’s probably a good thing humans don’t do that sort of thing, since it’d be really easy to make it a personal attack if a teacher didn’t like a student.”

Spock tilted his head, as if hearing something far off, underneath Jim’s words. “Jim, do teachers often attack their students personally?”

Jim folded his hands in front of him and stared at them.

“So, sometimes teachers here on Earth get tired –it’s called burnout –and it makes them not care about their jobs anymore, not really. It happens in a lot of fields, even Starfleet, sometimes. But when teachers get it, and are presented with a particularly difficult student… well…” he trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

“Jim,” Spock said. “Are you describing yourself?”

Jim huffed a laugh again, though it was not funny, and nodded, “See, I’ve always been a bit too smart for my own good, and teachers never really liked that. So parent-teacher conferences would focus on my personality, instead of academic pursuits. I was unruly, difficult –I talked back too much and wasn’t engaged with the class work. I was obstinate. Unmanageable. It was worse after Tarsus,” he admitted. “I eventually dropped out of high school, got my GED as soon as I could just to be done with it.”

Spock stared at Jim evenly, “Unruly, unmanageable. Those are not your words. Someone else named you as these things.” It was not a question. “Was there no one who saw your intelligence? Your boredom?”

Jim blinked, “How do you know I was bored?”

“It is logical,” Spock offered. “I too would be bored if forced to take courses at the same level and rate of the average cadet. I imagine that you would be similar, even at a young age.”

Jim tried not to flush red at the praise. He cleared his throat, “There was on teacher. On Tarsus. They, uh…” his hands started to shake, and he gripped them together tighter. “Their name was Ari. Ari Bahl. They were genderfluid, and they were actually one of the people who escaped with me for a little while, before they…” Jim shook his head, as if clearing his thoughts, “Before everything went to shit, they helped me transition, along with some other people, and they saw my boredom for what it was, and tried to give me challenges, and provided extra work, and had me reading college-level publications to talk about.”

Spock was silent for a moment. “I presume, due to your use of the past tense, they did not survive?”

Jim shook his head.

Spock reached out and touched the back of Jim’s hand with the tips of his fingers, “I grieve with thee.”

Jim clenched his jaw once and then nodded. Spock withdrew his hand. “It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t grow up in the middle of nowhere Iowa, with a stepdad who was inclined to believe the teachers when they said I was obstinate. If I had been here, in San Francisco, I would’ve had better schools to choose from, with better teachers. I probably wouldn’t have rebelled so much,” he winked at Spock, emphasizing the word ‘rebelled’. “But, you can’t change the past,” Jim shrugged, looking hopeful to change the conversation’s topic.

“A logical statement,” Spock agreed. “Unless one is able to contrive a way to return to the past, and, thus, change it.”

Jim leapt at the opportunity to talk about time-travel theory and reality, instead of his own shitty past.

“My friend Scotty has this idea that you can time travel with a cold start,” Jim said with a grin.

Spock’s eyebrow rose, “Or you could incinerate the ship in its entirety.”

Jim laughed, “Yeah, it’d probably make the biggest ball of fire since the latest supernova. But if anyone could do it, it’d be Scotty.” Jim refocused on Spock, “What about the theoretical slingshot effect? What do you think about that?”

“There are a variety of factors that would need to be taken into account for it to work properly, such as availability of fuel components, acceleration, the gravitational weight of the object being used to complete the slingshot, among other things. The probability of it happening successfully is near zero percent.”

“Unless they had a Vulcan on board to account for all those factors,” Jim suggested.

Spock paused, inclined his head, “Perhaps.”

They talked all throughout their meal, and Jim had missed this. Had missed Spock in his entirety. Messages just weren’t enough.

As they left the restaurant, Jim casually said to Spock, “Can we stop by my place before we split off for the night? I have something to show you quick.” His heart was beating fast.

Spock seemed to consider this for a moment. “That is acceptable.”

Jim smiled, rubbing his hands together as they continued walking. He shouldn’t be so nervous. He was just going to give Spock the books Jim had gotten him. It didn’t mean anything –he’d gotten McCoy a gift too.

It just meant _more_ when Spock was involved.

They arrived back at Jim’s dorm in silence, but as Jim opened the door, he began chattering.

“So, you know how I went up north to that antique shop for break, yeah? Well, I worked there before a while back, which I think I told you before, but anyway, it’s a really cool place, and they keep a really good collection of antiques, and I ended up getting a few, because I like old stuff, especially books. And I know you like books too, and so, well… here,” Jim finished anticlimactically, shoving a package into Spock’s hands.

It was so obviously a book, but he watched Spock test the weight of it, turn it over, trying to puzzle out what was happening and why. Slowly, he opened it up and as soon as he could see what it was, he stilled.

“Happy Hanukkah,” Jim said.

Spock was silent, still staring at the package.

Jim rambled, “I know it’s tradition to get a bunch of little gifts on all the days, and it’s not actually Hanukkah anymore, because it’s late January or whatever, and Hanukkah isn’t even a super important holiday in Judaism, but I figured you’d understand my sentiments anyway.”

Spock remained silent.

Jim paused, “Spock? Will you please say something?”

Spock blinked then, and looked up at Jim, “Jim, I…” He closed his mouth again, looking back down at the two hardcover books.

_The Complete Sherlock Holmes: All 4 Novels and 56 Short Stories_ by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Maybe this had been a bad idea.

Jim looked down, couldn’t look at Spock anymore. He knew, logically, that it was a great gift. Rationally, he knew that it was perfect for Spock, and that it would mean a lot to him. He knew it. He _knew_.

But there was still that deep nagging voice inside of him, reminding him of the one thing he had known his whole life.

No one ever stayed for him.

And this knowledge made him certain that Spock, upon opening this gift, had realized the depths of Jim’s feelings, was potentially thinking of a way to let him down gently. _I apologize for potentially misleading you, but I have no intention of accepting this gift, or your affection, ever again_.

“I apologize, Jim,” Spock started. And Jim’s heart clenched in his chest, preparing himself for the rest of it. ( _Nooneeverstayedforhim_.)

“I did not mean to be silent at this juncture. I simply could not find the words to express my gratitude,” Spock continued.

Jim sucked in a breath and blinked up at Spock, who was still staring at the books, having placed the packaging on Jim’s bed.

“No one has ever been so kind to me, with the sole exception of my own mother. I find I do not know how to respond suitably.” Spock finally looked up at Jim, “And I have no answering gift for you.”

Jim breathed in. “I don’t need a gift, Spock. It wasn’t something you knew about, so don’t worry about it.”

“Vulcans do not worry,” Spock said, even as he clutched the books to his chest.

Jim managed a small smile, “Of course not, Spock.” He hesitated before asking, “Do you… I mean, you like it, right? The gift in and of itself, not just the fact that it’s a gift?”

Spock shifted, cradling the books more into his arm. “Jim, I believe you already know, based on my reaction, how much I appreciate this gift. You were quite thoughtful in your selection and I,” Spock breathed in, looking down. “I thank you.”

He looked up again and stretched out his free hand, reaching out two fingers to Jim.

Jim’s heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t _not_ return the gesture. (He shouldn’t.)

And this might be the last time anyway. (He _shouldn’t._ )

Jim looked Spock in the eyes and touched their fingers together.

Jim watched Spock relax into it, as if the only way he could truly loosen up was by being kissed –by being touched. And it had been so long since Jim had touched Spock.

So he stepped in close, put his free hand up to rest against Spock’s jaw, and kissed him on the lips while maintaining their Vulcan kiss at the same time. Spock leaned into the kiss, and Jim felt light.

He pulled back, looking at Spock again. “Spock, do you want to… I mean, you shouldn’t feel like you have to do anything, just because I got you a Hanukkah gift.”

“Jim,” Spock put the two books down on the desk and then placed his free hand over Jim’s so they both –Jim’s hand and his own –were cradling his face, “I do not feel coerced into doing this. In fact, I assumed this was precisely the reason why you invited me to your room.”

Jim laughed lightly, “I guess you were surprised then.”

“Indeed,” Spock nodded before pressing his lips back to Jim’s.

Jim pulled away one more time –needing to make sure, “And you and Uhura?”

Spock paused, “I have not yet seen Nyota this semester. We have no arrangement made that would interfere with our own.”

“Okay,” Jim nodded in response. Spock watched Jim carefully before kissing him again, as if waiting for Jim to pull away a third time.

Instead, Jim responded eagerly, pulling Spock into him and kissing him deeper, running his fingers along Spock’s. Spock caressed a path down Jim’s body with his free hand, before settling at Jim’s lower back and pulling their bodies flush. Jim rocked his hips against Spock’s a few times until Spock finally returned the gesture.

Not pulling away from their kiss, Jim swung his arm a few times to clear excess items off the bed before turning so Spock leaned against it. Jim took Spock’s hands, pressing them against the mattress, and then knelt.

“Don’t move,” he whispered, undoing Spock’s pants. And as soon as Spock’s dick was free, Jim was _on it_ , overeager (would he ever be able to do this again?)

He moved up and down slowly, committing to memory every sound that Spock made, the way his hands clenched at Jim’s mattress, the feeling of his dick in Jim’s mouth. Jim’s hands fluttered up and down Spock’s hips before he moved them to cup Spock’s ass –and how had he never done _that_ before?

Jim couldn’t decide if he wanted to do more with Spock, or if he wanted to let Spock finish in his mouth. At Spock’s strangled moan, Jim remembered Spock’s touch telepathy.

He pulled off and smirked, “Was that moan a ‘yes, I’d like to finish in your mouth, Jim’ or was it more of a ‘I can’t believe how good you are at this, Jim’ general moan? Your answer could be both, you know.”

Spock groaned again, “You are incorrigible.”

Jim licked along Spock’s length before pulling away again, sing-songing, “That wasn’t one of the options.”

Spock just barely growled before he pulled Jim back up and switched their positions, so Jim was the one leaning against the bed with Spock plastered to his front.

“So that’s a no on finishing in my – _mmf_ ,” Jim was cut off by Spock kissing him again. Spock pushed him back against the bed, working on getting Jim out of his shirt and pants, and Jim laughed at the look of severe intensity on Spock’s face.

“Incorrigible,” Spock repeated, murmuring against Jim’s neck. Jim grinned again, delighted.

Once Jim was naked and Spock was mollified, Spock lifted Jim up so he was sitting on the bed. Jim took the opportunity to wrap his legs around Spock’s waist. When Spock continued to nose at Jim’s throat, Jim whined slightly.

“Spo-ock,” he drawled the name out. “Come o-on.” He rubbed his body on Spock’s.

Spock responded by crawling on top of Jim, flattening him to the bed and holding his wrists down.

“Patience,” Spock whispered into Jim’s skin, mouthing his way down Jim’s throat to his collarbone, skimming one hand over Jim’s hip and stomach.

Jim pushed himself into Spock’s touch, holding onto him tighter.

“Don’t move,” Spock said, echoing Jim’s words back to him, right before he ducked down Jim’s body to reciprocate his previous actions.

Jim’s entire body arched when Spock began lapping at his entrance. When Spock did something particularly clever with his tongue _and_ his fingers at the same time, Jim cried out and fisted his hands in the sheets, his entire body shaking.

When Jim was gasping Spock’s name repeatedly and nearly incomprehensible otherwise, Spock moved back up his body. “Are you adequately prepared, Jim?” he asked while slipping on a condom.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jim gasped. “You _know_ I am, you asshole, could you just fucking – _oh_ –”

Jim cut off on a gasp when Spock pushed into him. He almost immediately withdrew before thrusting back in again, keeping up a consistent pace. Jim grabbed onto him, matching his thrusts as he could.

Instead of allowing this to continue, Spock stopped his movements and pulled back enough to rearrange Jim’s legs over his shoulders. He paused to give Jim a questioning look –making sure Jim was okay with this change –and Jim responded by huffing and pulling at Spock, almost bending himself in half.

“This is _fine_ , Spock –it’s _great_ , just keep going because I can’t –I don’t –come on, Spock,” he groaned as Spock finally started moving again.

This position really gave Jim no leverage to move on his own, but it was alright with him as long as Spock kept moving, because he was sliding in and out _perfectly_.

Jim grabbed onto Spock, encouraging him to move faster, and then Spock pressed Jim’s hands into the mattress with his own, and Jim couldn’t move at all.

He was completely at Spock’s mercy, and _fuck_ if that wasn’t a huge turn-on for him.

Spock watched Jim carefully for approval before starting up a rhythm again. But the way Jim gripped his hands and arched as best he could in that position made Spock sure that everything was acceptable.

And the _sounds_ –Spock knew he was doing something right based solely on Jim’s moans.

(It also helped that he could feel the lust and pleasure rolling off of Jim in waves.)

And soon, as Spock’s own name hitched in Jim’s throat, Spock found himself moving faster and faster, picking up the pace without even realizing, until Jim was clenching all around him and shaking and coming apart. It wasn’t difficult for Spock to follow Jim into release.

Spock was careful to detangle himself from Jim before laying down next to him, watching him catch his breath.

Jim smiled, laughing slightly, “My legs are all tingly now.”

“I apologize for any discomfort –”

“Unnecessary, Spock,” Jim murmured as he turned into Spock, curling against him and sighing contentedly.

“As per our agreement from last semester, I will stay with you until you rest,” Spock assured Jim.

“That’s still on?” Jim’s heart jumped.

“Affirmative, Jim. If you still wish it to be so.”

“Sure,” Jim pulled away, trying to calm himself down (hopefully before Spock felt it). “Lemme just –I’ll be right back.”

He got up and went to the bathroom. He felt giddy –like he had too much energy. How was he supposed to sleep?

When he returned from the bathroom, Spock had not moved. Jim ran a hand through his hair.

“So, uh,” he started eloquently. “Do you play chess?”

Spock sat up in the bed and nodded, “I do.”

“Great,” Jim grinned while picking up their clothes. He handed Spock his outfit before rummaging under his bed, pulling out a container, and then pulling out a chess set from that. “I’m not feeling like sleeping right now. Want to play a round or two instead?”

Spock pulled on his clothes, “That would be acceptable, Jim.”

\---

(Spock won the first game. Jim won the second and third in a series of confusing and, frankly, illogical moves that Spock had never seen before and was struggling to comprehend even well after he should have already returned to his room, after Jim entered his first REM cycle of sleep. He left the room an hour later, anticipating their next match.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to do some extra reading on some topics mentioned in this chapter:  
> Vulcan's Forge: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Vulcan%27s_Forge  
> Cold Start Time-Travel: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Cold_start  
> Slingshot Effect: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Slingshot_effect  
> \---  
> Thanks for all your support, everyone! You're all wonderful and I love you!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock and Uhura have a heart-to-heart. Spock and Jim have a lesson or two.

Two days later, Spock made his way out of one of his classes, and he calculated that he had just enough time to drop off his excess materials at his on-campus storage space before making his way to his next course.

Halfway to the commuter lounge, he was stopped by a hand on his arm.

“Spock,” she grinned. “It’s good to see you.”

“Nyota,” he nodded, feeling his heart beat faster in his side.

She removed her hand, still smiling. “Sorry for grabbing you, I just kinda reacted when I saw you.”

“There is no need to apologize.”

“I’m sure you’re busy, Spock, but I was hoping that we could find some time for a coffee or tea soon?”

Spock blinked. “Of course, Nyota. Are you available Thursday afternoon?”

“Thursday afternoon is actually really busy for me. What about Friday morning?”

“I am available until 1000 hours. Perhaps breakfast?”

She beamed at him, “That sounds great. I’ll see you Friday for at 0800 –maybe in that shop, just to the north of campus? Do you know it?”

“I do.”

“Great,” she touched his arm once more, and he did not flinch away. “I’ll see you then.”

“I look forward to it,” Spock said. She smiled one more time at him as she walked away.

Spock watched her. And then he realized he no longer had enough time to drop off his extra materials before his next class began.

He found he did not mind very much.

\---

“Spock?”

Spock looked up at Jim, who was staring intently at him. “Yes, Jim?”

Jim frowned, “You’re _fidgeting_. What’s wrong?”

Spock straightened immediately, “I am not.”

“Well, you were –just thirty seconds ago, before I said anything.” Jim pointed at Spock’s hands, “You were tapping your finger –just the one. Oh,” he lowered his voice, “is it a sex thing?”

Spock glared at his hand, “Jim, I will remind you again that Vulcan hands are not sexual organs, our hands have plentiful nerve endings similar to your lips, which you touch –”

“Thirty five hundred times a second, I know, Spock,” Jim interrupted while rolling his eyes.

“That is physically impossible.”

“ _Spock_ ,” Jim fixed him with a stare. “Why are you fidgeting?”

Spock’s shoulders lowered slightly. He opened his mouth, paused, and then said, “I am meeting Nyota for breakfast off campus tomorrow morning at 0800, and I find that I am unusually preoccupied by the thought of it.”

Jim felt himself freeze, tried to force ease back into his body. “Well, why didn’t you say anything earlier? That’s exciting, Spock –a date!” he said, grinning.

“It is not a date. It is breakfast.”

Jim waved a hand in front of his face, “Semantic. So, off campus, eh?” His smile felt weak on his face. Luckily Spock was looking down. “Is it that place to the north of campus?”

Spock looked at Jim, squinted, “Affirmative. How did you know?”

Jim smirked and shrugged, “It just seems like the type of place you two would like. Opens early, has a large selection of tea, is usually pretty quiet, and has the wall-to-wall windows you can look out of. It’s a good first date.”

“It is not a date. She simply said she wanted to find a time to get coffee or tea with me.”

“You’re gonna be talking about your relationship, Spock. It’s a date.”

Spock tilted his head. “Under that logic, I have been on many dates with you, Jim.”

“N-no,” Jim choked out, feeling his face flush. “No –that’s not right –”

“If it is not the case for the two of us, it is not the case for Nyota and myself either.”

Jim covered his face with his hands and breathed out slowly. When he lowered his hands again, he said, “There’s a –it’s not the same, Spock.”

“I know it is not the same,” Spock agreed. “However, I do not believe it is necessarily a date due to the fact that it is Nyota I am meeting with.”

“So if you’re convinced it’s not a date, why are you so nervous?”

Spock looked down, “Because it is Nyota.”

“So you _want_ it to be a date, but you’re trying not to get your hopes up?”

“I simply wish to know what the outcome of this meeting will be, and what her intentions are currently regarding myself.” Spock frowned, “It is illogical to think this way. In ten hours and thirty seven minutes, I will have these answers.”

“It’s normal to be nervous, Spock,” Jim reassured, hoping nothing on his face gave away how brittle he felt. “You’re meeting up with a person you like.”

“It is illogical,” Spock repeated.

“It’s emotional, and it’s normal,” Jim corrected. “Tell you what, how about we do work for a little while longer –I need to finish this assignment and you don’t need as much sleep anyway –and then I’ll swing by your place on Saturday, and you can tell me all about your not-date, and maybe I’ll have a Humans 101 lesson for you. Deal?”

“That would be acceptable, Jim.”

“Alright, good. Everything will be fine tomorrow. Uhura’s a good person, and I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself at breakfast. So, stop your fidgeting, it’s distracting.”

Jim bent over to get back to work, mentally screaming at himself to keep it together (he knew this was going to happen, why was he still so fucking sad about it when he _knew_ -)

The corner of Spock’s lips curved upwards, grateful for the reassurance of his friend.

\---

Spock arrived at breakfast thirty minutes and forty-three seconds early. He ordered tea and found a table, sitting next to the window with a clear sight line to the door.

He waited.

Uhura entered eleven minutes and six seconds before they were scheduled to meet. Spock stood from his seat to greet her.

“Nyota,” he said, nodding a greeting. He was unsure what to do with his hands.

“Hello, Spock,” she said with a smile, reaching out to briefly touch his arm before resting her hand at her side again. “I shouldn’t be surprised you were here early. I hope you weren’t waiting too long.”

“It was not too long,” Spock assured her. He wasn’t lying. He had waited for her much longer than the nineteen minutes prior to her arrival.

She smiled again, “I’m gonna order something and then I’ll be back. Would you like anything else?”

“My tea is adequate, thank you.”

He sat down again as she stepped away. Six minutes and twenty one seconds later, she returned with a plate of food and a coffee.

“How are your classes this semester, Spock?” she asked as she unwrapped a fork from inside a napkin.

“As the semester has only just begun, I am hesitant to speculate about the quality of the courses I am taking. However, I am confident that they will proceed well. And yours?”

Uhura responded, “I’m looking forward to my courses. I’m taking five this semester so next year might be a little easier.”

“That is commendable,” Spock said. He opened his mouth to say more, but Uhura cut him off.

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about, Spock –about next year.” She put down her fork to focus on him completely. “I hope I’m not being too forward, but I am interested in you, and I’d like to spend more time with you.”

“I as well.”

“That’s great,” she smiled, and then hesitated. “But I don’t want to start anything with attachments right now, because I’m trying to get an off-planet internship next semester. I won’t know where I’ll be next semester until a few months from now, and I wouldn’t want to start anything romantic just to leave immediately after, you know?”

Spock nodded slowly, “I believe I understand, yes.”

“I just… I don’t want to do anything until my future is a little more confirmed than it is now. Is that okay?”

“Affirmative, Nyota. You need not be concerned. It is understandable to hold off on personal relationships until your professional opportunities have narrowed. May I ask where you applied?”

She smiled, “I applied to a base on Andoria, to the Rigellian Learning and Communication Center, and to the Communications department on the Lunar Base.”

Spock raised his eyebrows, “The Lunar Base has an excellent Communications department. Possibly the best in the Federation.”

“Yeah,” Uhura brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. “It’s kinda long shot.”

“On the contrary, Nyota, I believe you would thrive there. You have shown exemplary work in communications and xenolinguistics.”

Uhura could not contain her smile. “Thank you, Spock. That means a lot, coming from you.”

“I am simply stating facts.”

“Still. Thank you.”

“Do you know when you will have their response?” Spock asked.

“Not exactly. Later this semester –probably around March or April. They use pretty vague language on the applications. I won’t to ask you to wait for me, but I won’t really have an answer for you until then.”

“I appreciate you sharing this me, Nyota,” Spock said. “If it is acceptable to you, I would like to continue to spend time together, even without a more romantic relationship currently.”

“It is definitely acceptable, Spock. More than.” She smiled at him, and lifted her cup for a drink, “Tell me about your life.”

(And because he already had a similar conversation with Jim, he knew how to properly answer the question this time.)

\---

Saturday afternoon found Jim standing outside Spock’s apartment building, heart pounding.

Spock and Uhura had met up, and he had no idea what to expect from it.

(For all he knew, she was in his apartment _right now_ doing things that Jim wanted to do to Spock –things that Jim had taught Spock how to do. But that was ridiculous, right? Right?)

He pressed the buzzer, and Spock let him into the building immediately.

(That meant she probably wasn’t there. Probably.)

By the time Jim opened Spock’s apartment door (they had long since gotten over the assumption that Spock had to open it for him), Spock already had two cups of tea made and was sitting on the couch, waiting for Jim’s arrival.

“Hello, Jim,” he greeted.

Jim could not stop himself from scanning the apartment once. (No Uhura.) “Hey, Spock. How’s it going?” He sat down on the couch next to Spock.

“All is well,” Spock answered. “And yourself?”

“I’m good, I’m good. How was your week?” Jim mentally braced himself, “How was your not-date with Uhura?”

Spock looked down to the mug in his hands. His lips turned up slightly, “It went quite well, Jim. We spoke of our interests and our courses for this semester. She is fascinating.”

Jim gripped his mug harder, feeling a little bit like he had been punched in the chest. “So I guess you’re together now? Or at least until you go out on a real date?”

Spock looked down before looking back up at Jim, “We have agreed to delay any potential romantic relationship until she has a better understanding of her internship placement for next semester.”

Relief flooded through Jim, and he hated himself for it. “That’s… logical.”

“Indeed.”

They were very close to each other.

Jim’s voice was quiet. “So, this,” Jim gestured between them, “is still on in the meantime?”

They both leaned closer.

“Affirmative, Jim.”

The kiss was _almost_ unexpected –particularly since it was a _human_ kiss –but they so naturally tipped into each other that Jim was not surprised to find himself suddenly kissing Spock.

What was more surprising was when he realized that Spock had initiated the (human) kiss, rather than starting with a Vulcan one as he usually did.

Jim almost immediately recovered, set his mug of tea down before he spilled it, and wrapped an arm around Spock. He pulled Spock closer and leaned back so that Spock was nearly completely on top of him. He used his other hand to find Spock’s hand, caressing his knuckles slightly.

Jim shimmied a bit so he was more fully under Spock, and Spock went along with it easily, propping himself up a bit so he wasn’t completely squishing Jim. Jim took his chance to run his free hand down Spock’s back and back up again, slipping under his shirt in the process.

“Jim,” Spock said softly, pulling away to continue speaking. “I do not wish to assume your consent based from your manipulation of our previous positions to the current one, and so I must ask –”

“Yes, I’m consenting, Spock, yes. Are you?”

“Affirmative,” Spock said, and then Jim rolled his hips up and Spock gasped slightly at the friction.

“Good, now come back here,” Jim pressed his hand against Spock’s back and met him for another kiss.

Then he pulled away again, “What do you mean about _my_ manipulation?”

Spock raised an eyebrow.

“Fine, fine,” Jim relented. “But you started it.”

Jim scraped his fingernails over Spock’s knuckles before he could respond, and pressed their lips together again for good measure.

Spock did not sigh against Jim’s lips.

(Jim grinned when he felt it.)

Instead of commenting further, he caressed his fingers against Spock’s, using his other hand to push Spock’s shirt up farther. He tugged at it and together they pulled it off of Spock entirely, dropping it onto the floor next to them.

Jim grinned again, brushing his hand lightly over Spock’s side a few times before skimming his nails over Spock’s nipple.

Spock shuddered against him and buried his face in Jim’s neck, whispering Jim’s name against his skin.

When Jim did it again, Spock shifted slightly so that he was leaning mostly to one side. And at first Jim didn’t understand, but then he felt Spock’s hand attempting to undo his pants.

“Getting eager?” Jim smiled.

Spock looked down at Jim flatly. “I, apparently, started this, so I am content to continue and, eventually, finish it.”

Jim sucked in a breath at that. Spock leaned back, removing Jim of his pants and underwear in one go. Jim made grabby hands at Spock, encouraging him to return, but Spock had other ideas and instead settled _much_ lower.

“Spock?” Jim questioned. “You don’t haaaaaaaaaaaaa-” Jim arched off of the couch almost entirely as Spock parted his legs and began lapping at Jim’s entrance.

It was when Spock slid in one finger that he pulled back slightly to speak, “You were saying, Jim?”

Jim somehow managed to moan and laugh at the same time. And then he swore as Spock bent his head down again, sucking and licking at Jim’s clit while his fingers thrust in and out.

Jim clenched both hands, clawing at the seams of the couch as he arched from Spock’s ministrations. Spock used his other hand –the one that was not two-fingers deep in Jim –to hold down Jim’s hips, and Jim groaned again because of how damn hot it was to have Spock in control.

Spock’s fingers flexed against Jim’s hip, as if responding to Jim’s desire.

He added a third finger, licking around it. Jim keened in response, and Spock felt his own body thrill at it.

It was intense, having such a sensitive and receptive part of his body buried in Jim’s and giving Jim pleasure.

(He found he didn’t mind too much.)

It didn’t take long before Jim was gasping, “Spock, I –I’m – _oh_ –” and shaking apart while he came. He arched against Spock’s hand still on his hip, entire body tightening in the climax. And Spock –

With three fingers inside Jim, Spock felt himself respond almost instantly.

Eventually, Spock pulled away, carefully drying off his face and hand on his shirt from the floor.

Jim slowly caught his breath, blinking up at the ceiling and releasing the couch from his fists. “My fingers are tingly,” he said while reaching for Spock with a shaking hand.

Spock wrapped his hand around Jim’s and moved so he hovered over Jim again. Jim pulled him into a kiss, feeling lazy and fucked out, loving the taste of himself on Spock’s tongue.

“You can fuck me if you want,” Jim said quietly.

“Unnecessary,” Spock said while shaking his head.

Jim frowned, “I get that orgasms aren’t the end-all be-all, but you should still be able to –”

“You misunderstand, Jim. I am not denying myself. I find that…” Spock was unsure how to phrase it. “My hands are quite receptive to your desire and pleasure.”

Jim blinked and glanced down quickly, as if he would be able to see Spock’s lower body. “You mean you… you finished?”

“Yes, Jim.”

“Because you felt _me_ finish? Through your fingers?”

Spock did not sigh. “Yes, Jim.”

“And you didn’t –I didn’t –you came untouched. Are you sure?”

Spock pressed a hand against Jim’s silently, and just watched his face. Waiting.

“Spock? _Spock_ – _what is that_? What are you doing?” Instead of pulling away, like many humans would’ve done in Jim’s place, Jim reflexively gripped onto Spock’s hand harder, as if he could find the answers to his questions by throwing himself into it.

“I am projecting my gratification, so that you can rest assured that I was and am satisfied by this encounter.”

Jim’s eyes were huge. “You can _project_ your _emotions_?”

“Clearly, as that is what I am currently doing.”

Jim blinked. “I thought Vulcans didn’t have emotions.”

Spock stopped projecting in response, staring at Jim flatly. Jim beamed back.

“So you’re finally admitting that I’m right, then?”

Spock spoke tightly, “I believed we were past this conversation months ago, at your own prompting.”

“Yeah, but now it’s _confirmed_. By _you_. _Willingly_. This is amazing.”

“Jim, you are being –”

“Write it in the history books!” Jim crowed. “Spock just proved to me, and thus admitted that I was right, that he has emotions! It’s a miracle!” He finally lowered his voice slightly, “You should do it again, now that you’re feeling more irritated than satisfied.”

Spock’s face cleared almost immediately.

“You’re still gonna do that now?”

“Do what, Jim?”

“Erase them –your emotions –when I bring them up. We really should be past this by now.” Jim squeezed Spock’s hand again. “Especially now.”

“You cannot expect instantaneous change, Jim.”

Jim grinned, “Old habits die hard, right?”

Spock allowed just a trickle of puzzlement to seep through his fingers and into Jim.

Jim barked out a startled laugh when he felt it. “It’s an old Terran saying –that’s why it sounds kinda weird, or like something I wouldn’t say normally. It’s just another way of saying what you just said.”

“To consider changing ones habits as a death is particularly violent.”

Jim shrugged, “But it’s not completely inaccurate.”

Spock nodded and finally lifted himself off of Jim. “I must… change the clothing I am currently wearing.”

Jim could not contain his mirth and laughed out loud, “I’ll put my pants back on while you’re gone, I guess.”

“I will return shortly,” Spock confirmed before leaving Jim in the living room.

Christ. The living room. They didn’t even move to a room with an actual bed. Jim hadn’t even been there for a full hour.

Jim shook his head. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t the first time they had sex outside of the bedroom, or off of a bed. (It probably wouldn’t be the last.) And the fact that Jim had just arrived also didn’t matter –sometimes sex just happened. (And he definitely wasn’t gonna put a stop to it just because he hadn’t been there very long.)

Jim grabbed his pants and underwear, walking with them to the bathroom.

It still didn’t mean anything.

When Jim returned to the living room, Spock apparently re-heated their tea and was waiting for him on the couch.

The couch they had just had sex on.

Jim hoped he wasn’t blushing ( _why_ would he be blushing?! It was just sex!) and he sat down, just as he had done when he first came into the apartment.

“Jim, I must admit that I am unsure how to proceed.”

“What do you mean?”

“As we have a prior agreement that I will stay with you until you sleep on the days we engage in intercourse, I am content to maintain that. However, I also recognize it is quite early in the day, and you may not want to uphold our arrangement.”

“Nah, Spock, it’s fine,” Jim waved him off. “It’s too early, and I don’t wanna force you to stick around me all day. I’m sure you have better stuff to do.”

“I understand, although I am somewhat uncomfortable with not fulfilling what I said I would do.”

“If it makes you feel bad, we’ll call it a freebie, and you can fulfill your side of the bargain on a later date. Sound good?”

Spock considered this and then finally nodded. “That is acceptable, Jim. You may continue to our lesson.”

Jim picked up his mug of tea, “Before we start our lesson, I just have one more thing to say.”

“And what is that, Jim?”

“You are never allowed to argue that Vulcan hands aren’t sensitive.”

Spock looked affronted. “I did not say they are not sensitive. I have maintained that Vulcan hands are not sexual organs.”

Jim pointed a finger at him, “I’ve had a lot of sex, Spock, but I have never orgasmed from having my lips stimulated.”

Spock had the decency of flushing slightly. “I will admit that perhaps comparing the sensitivity of my hands to human’s lips was… faulty. What I experienced today was unexpected and I apologize for the miscommunication… and the speed of our,” Spock hesitated, unsure of what to call it, “lesson,” he finished.

Jim shrugged, taking a sip of tea, “It’s not a big deal. Kinda hot, if I’m being honest. But my point stands. Your hands aren’t like my lips.”

Spock’s eyebrows furrowed, “Hot?”

“Yeah, like sexy. Attractive. I’ve never said that around you before?”

Spock looked down, “You have not previously described me as attractive.”

Jim blinked, heart beating faster, “Well, that should just be a given. You’re obviously attractive.” _Great cover, Jim He’ll definitely never realize you have a crush._ “But we’re getting off topic –your hands aren’t like my lips.”

“That may be so –” Jim snorted loudly, but Spock continued, “However, I am still able to complete daily tasks without arousal or general impediment. I suspect my reaction was primarily due to being able to feel your emotions and desires –your orgasm –rather than the actual stimulation to my hands.”

Jim nodded, thinking to himself and barely listening to Spock at all. “They’re really more like a clitoris. Or a vagina.”

Spock spluttered, “Like a –they are _not_ –Jim, I have already _told_ you –”

Jim laughed, hand clutching his stomach, “Oh god, your _face_ –I’m so sorry, I should’ve –” Jim continued laughing, waving a hand at Spock. “I get it, your hands aren’t sexual organs, but let me explain my reasoning, okay?”

Spock frowned, but remained silent.

“Okay, so they aren’t sexual organs but vaginas are sexual and whatever your argument is,” Jim waved his hand again, as if waving off Spock’s future dispute with Jim’s reasoning. “I _meant_ that your hands are like a vagina because not everything is stimulating to a vagina even though it can be super sensitive during sexy fun times. Just like your hands,” Jim winked.

Spock pursed his lips, clearly not taken in by Jim’s wit or wink. “I think, instead, my sensitivity was primarily due to my ability to feel your emotions.” He leveled Jim with a look, “As I said just moments ago.”

“Alright, alright,” Jim relented, still smiling slightly. “Still, on the continuum of sensitivity –your hands are closer to my vagina than my lips.” Jim snorted, “Sometimes that’s true in terms of physical proximity too!”

Spock did not roll his eyes. But Jim got the impression that he _really_ wanted to.

“Anyway,” Jim began before Spock could respond verbally. “Let’s get to the Human 101 lesson, shall we?”

“That would be acceptable, Jim.”

“Alright. We’re gonna talk about human holiday traditions. I know we talked about Thanksgiving last semester, and Hanukkah, but I really failed since I didn’t talk about New Years, which is a huge thing for us humans.”

“I determined as much.”

“Sorry about that, though I still think you should’ve just asked me. But, to make it up to you, I’ll also talk about some upcoming holidays so that you’re better prepared. First, though, is New Years.

“So New Years in important because it’s the start of a new year, obviously, but it also has all these connotations for new _everything_. Many people make ‘new year resolutions’ to start in January, which can range from losing weight to making better life choices. A resolution can be anything, but it’s usually focused on making you a better person or creating a better life for yourself.”

Spock’s eyebrow lifted. “Do people often succeed at these resolutions?”

“Nah, usually people fail at them within the first two weeks.”

Spock’s other eyebrow also lifted. “So why make a resolution at all?”

Jim grinned, “Because humans are illogical, Spock. Illogical and filled with hope and optimism on January first.”

“And the fireworks?”

Jim shrugged, “Humans like explosions. Humans like shiny things, and pretty things. Fireworks are the perfect combination. Humans like to bring in the new year with a bang. And a kiss. And then possibly another kind of bang,” Jim said with a wink.

Spock stared at Jim flatly. “I do not understand.”

“Banging. To bang. As in, ‘I wanna bang him like a screen door in a hurricane’. It’s another slang word for having sex. Like fucking, but not a swear word.” Jim waved his hand aimlessly, as if this somehow helped his definition. “So the fireworks go ‘bang’, the people go bang _each other_ , and it’s a good night for all. Unless, of course, you don’t like sex, don’t have anyone to have sex with, or don’t like fireworks, or whatever other reason.”

Spock squinted but didn’t respond.

“So, I guess I should mention, for a lot of humans, holidays have somewhat romantic overtones. If you’re with someone –like, dating them –you’d spend your holidays with that person, and possibly your family or theirs. Holidays are a time to spend with people you’re close with, you know?”

“I see,” Spock said.

“It’s not really like that for me, though,” Jim said in a rush, not quite looking at Spock. Was Jim blushing? Jim felt like he was blushing. “My family was never like that, as far as I can remember. And so holidays don’t _really_ have to be like that.”

It doesn’t have to _mean_ anything, Jim didn’t say, when you spend a holiday with a friend you have a slight crush on. Or text them throughout an eight-day holiday. It doesn’t mean anything

Spock paused before speaking. “It was that way when my mother was alive, with holidays she chose to celebrate with our family. She insisted we all remain together during holidays –particularly for meals –even though my father thought many of the holidays were illogical.”

“Were they mostly Jewish holidays?” Jim asked.

“I believe so, though he emphasized that _all_ holidays are illogical to some degree. I do recall her staying awake for New Years as well, though there were, of course, no fireworks on Vulcan,” Spock said, and Jim smiled in response.

“How did you react, the first time you heard or saw fireworks?”

“Fortunately, I was not completely unaware that fireworks existed prior to my arrival on Earth. I had seen them on various holovids and other recordings prior to my experiencing them personally. However, I will admit I was somewhat alarmed by the loud noise, which apparently had been dulled by recordings.”

“Yeah, the sound can be too much for some people,” Jim admitted. “Meanwhile, that’s one of my favorite parts. I like being close enough to feel it in my chest.”

Spock tilted his head, “I believe that would be too close for Vulcans, as it could damage our hearing.”

“Hm. Maybe with earmuffs next year, then,” Jim suggested with a laugh.

“In summary,” Spock began, cutting off any of Jim's additional comments, “New Years for humans is a celebratory holiday in which they watch fireworks with friends and family members, and make false promises to themselves about radically changing aspects of their lives they do not intend to change.”

“That’s about right, though you forgot the New Years kiss tradition.”

Spock raised an eyebrow.

Jim did not blush. “There’s a tradition that, at midnight, you’re supposed to kiss the person you love. I mentioned it earlier.”

Spock nodded, “I was not aware of that tradition. As I do not spend New Years outside of my apartment, I have not witnessed such acts.”

“Right, so I think that’s about it for New Years, but the conversation about kissing actually transitions into another holiday that’s coming up pretty soon –Valentine’s Day.”

“There is more kissing in this next holiday?”

“Yeah, it’s kinda thought of as the most romantic holiday. It’s on February 14th every year. You’re supposed to lavish the person you love with gifts and affection and whatever. You can get them cards, flowers, chocolates, and other gifts that maybe are more expensive. It’s a holiday for people in romantic relationships, basically.”

Spock contemplated this for a moment. “I do recall receiving gifts on that day last year, although I was not in a romantic relationship. I was unaware of the significance.”

Jim nodded, “Yeah, sometimes people use Valentine’s Day as an excuse to let their crush know they like them. Like, you could give Uhura flowers on that day or something, so she would know your intentions or something.”

“Do you believe I should do that? She is already aware of my intentions, as I am aware of hers.”

“You don’t have to. She probably isn’t expecting anything, honestly, so it’s up to you.”

“It seems illogical to be so redundant.”

“So don’t. You could always have someone else be your Valentine.” (Jim was absolutely _not_ thinking of himself when he said this. Why did he even say this? It was unnecessary.)

Spock blinked. “If I already have romantic intentions with Nyota, why would I ask another person to celebrate the holiday with me?”

“Well, it doesn’t always have to be romantic. Sometimes, you can celebrate with people who are just your friend, and it’s done in, like, a cute way, I guess?”

Spock furrowed his brow, “In summary, Valentine’s Day is a day to cultivate or strengthen romantic relationships, though sometimes it focuses on other types of relationships, and does not always need to be romantic.”

“Yep, sounds about right.”

“It is a holiday for romantic relationships, but you do not need to be in a romantic relationship to celebrate it, and you do not need to have romantic intentions with the person you celebrate it with?”

“Yep.”

“That is excessively illogical.”

“And that’s humanity.”

\---

Spock did not celebrate Valentine’s Day in any way, though it did make more sense when he found two cards with a flower outside of his office door that day.

And even though McCoy goaded Jim, Jim refused to gift Spock with anything (even just under the guise of celebrating the holiday as friends).

“Coward,” McCoy scoffed at Jim in a playful tone.

“Yep,” Jim agreed almost instantly, more focused on the paper he was working on. “I’m cool with it.”

McCoy rolled his eyes and threw a piece of chocolate at Jim’s head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1.) The cafe Spock and Uhura go to doesn't exist. Or, it might exist, but if it does, it's completely accidental that it appears here.
> 
> 2.) I also made up the plot point that the Lunar Base a.) exists and b.) has the best Communications department in the Fleet. (I also made up the other "good" Communication bases based on which races were first involved in the Federation, since they'd have to have good Communication people for that.)
> 
> 3.) I'm experiencing a lot of major life changes currently (all good things, I promise) that will continue changing my life for some time. Because of this, and because it's been very difficult to write recently due to the life changes, I'll be pushing back the update schedule to every four weeks -once a month, basically.
> 
> 4.) I love you all and your comments make my LIFE. You're wonderful.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Gaila chat. Jim and Spock also chat.

Gaila slid into the seat across from Jim at breakfast one morning before classes began.

“You know they get breakfast together at least once a week, right?” She asked.

Jim didn’t need context. “You know we don’t have a right to be sad about it, since it’s not like we’re gonna admit our crushes to them anytime soon, right?” He shot back.

Gaila shrugged, “I reserve the right to complain about it, regardless of whether or not I admit my feelings to her. And you’re the only one I can complain about it to, _and_ –even better –you _get_ it, since you have a crush on the person she’s eventually gonna date.”

“And your point is?”

“This fucking sucks, Jim,” Gaila said. “I’m a light sleeper, so every time she gets up early to go get breakfast with him, she wakes me up, and then I just know they’re together. I think it’d be better if I didn’t know.”

“Is that what happened today?” Jim asked.

Gaila nodded, “Yeah, and she’s always so excited about it. It’s hard to be happy for her, since I’m so sad for myself.”

Jim sighed heavily, pushing the remainder of his breakfast away. “Yeah, I understand.”

“I mean, she just _beams_ when she talks about him, and about their dates or whatever, and how she’s looking forward to getting to know him and being with him and _ugh_ ,” Gaila rested her head in her arms on the table. Her voice was muffled as she continued, “They’re probably gonna get breakfast every Monday, since they’re out today and they did it last week and the week before. And then they study together on Wednesdays. So I hear about it _all the time_ , and, Jim, I don’t think I can do this all semester.”

Jim gently placed a hand on Gaila’s arm. “You’re gonna be okay. We’re _both_ gonna be okay. I’m gonna keep teaching Spock about humans so that he can date Uhura, and you’re gonna keep listening to Uhura gush about it, and we’re both gonna deal with it, because ultimately we want them to be happy.” He shrugged and added, “Also it would fuck up our lives more if we told them our feelings, and they stopped being friends with us.”

“True,” Gaila agreed, lifting her head and placing her hand over Jim’s. “Too true. We’ll suffer in silence, I guess. Or, at least, we’ll suffer in silence except when we’re with each other, and then we’ll be really loud about it.”

Jim grinned, “Sounds great to me, Gaila.”

“F.U.C.K. buddies for life?”

“F.U.C.K. buddies for life,” Jim agreed. “And, if Spock and Uhura continue to date and then get married, we can just be each other’s dates to the wedding and commiserate together.”

“If they get married and we’re still single and pining, we gotta just marry each other at that point. And it will be a relationship full of awesome, unattached sex and pathetic unrequited pining for those two.”

“Gaila, did you just propose to me?”

Gaila grinned, “Sorry I don’t have a ring, babe. At least we know going into it that it’s not a relationship based on romance.”

Jim laughed, “What do you mean? This is the most romantic moment of my life. I think I’m gonna cry from happiness. This is a story to tell our kids someday.”

Gaila hummed, “Oh, we’d make beautiful children together, that’s for damn sure.”

“They’ll be the best programmers in the galaxy,” Jim sighed. He squeezed Gaila’s hand one more time before releasing it, “We’ll get through this. Together.”

“And with lots of drinks,” Gaila added solemnly.

“That too,” Jim agreed.

\---

Jim ducked and rolled, spinning around as soon as he was back on his feet. Luckily, Spock was giving him a break, since he did not immediately rush Jim again. (He’d already done that twice, and Jim was pinned the first time and only barely escaped the second time –and he was pretty sure Spock let him, so it didn’t really count.)

Instead, Spock watched Jim cautiously, only five feet away.

Jim, still breathing heavily, brought his hands up as if he were holding a phaser. He squinted one eye, taking aim. “Pew pew.”

Spock wilted (for a Vulcan. To everyone else, he just slipped out of his sparring stance.) He would’ve rolled his eyes if he were human. “Jim,” he began, as if he were in physical pain.

“Pew pew pew,” Jim continued over Spock, moving his hands as if he were actually shooting. “You’re definitely stunned by now. Not even a Vulcan can withstand five direct shots.”

“Jim,” Spock scolded.

Jim dropped his arms and sat down on the ground, reclining. “You know, first of all, you should be on the ground right now, since you’re stunned. Secondly, I feel like our sparring has lost its magic now that I know you could crush me in three second –since _you have_. And finally, we’ve been doing this for hours and I’ve only pinned you once,” Jim groaned.

Spock approached him. “To respond in order, I am not stunned as you do not have a real phaser, and will not pretend to be in order to satisfy your human imaginings; our sparring is meant to exhaust you and not to encourage you to see us as equals in strength, as we are not; and we have only been sparring for fifty seven point three minutes.” Spock stopped when he was standing in front of Jim. “If you are tired, you can simply say so.”

“I’m tired. Also, I thought we were sparring so that I’d be able to protect myself when I’m out in the big bad universe being a captain.”

“That is also true.”

“Captains are given phasers –therefore, you’re definitely stunned and I win the match.”

Spock raised one eyebrow, folding his hands behind his back while looking down at Jim. “If the fight we just had was real, the statistical likelihood that you would have maintained possession of a phaser is less than one percent. In addition –” Jim groaned loudly and flopped onto his back –“you are assuming that all of your shots would be successful in striking me. Finally, not all of your enemies would have allowed you –”

Spock was cut off as Jim kicked his legs out from under him.

From the ground, Spock, after a brief pause, amended, “Not all of your enemies would have allowed you to cheat. Twice.”

Jim sat up, staring down at Spock, who was by Jim’s feet and glaring daggers. “We’ll have to keep track of how many of my enemies decide to gloat instead of finishing the job, basically ensuring their own downfall.”

Spock sat up, “I was not gloating; I was simply advising you of various probabilities and likelihoods. Also, I would prefer your enemies do not ‘finish the job’, as that would most likely mean your death. I assume you would also not desire that outcome.”

“Yeah,” Jim shrugged, “But we should still keep track of it. Also, that wasn’t cheating –that was using patience and skill in order to win, even without a phaser.”

“You only succeeded in forcing me to the ground. You did not win.”

Jim rolled his eyes and stood. “Semantics,” he said, waving his hand in the air. “We’ll call it a tie. Let’s grab some food, yeah? I have stuff at my place if that’s alright.”

Spock stood and followed Jim off the mat, “That would be acceptable, Jim.”

“Really, you could just let me have the one win after you’ve had so many of your own.”

“It would be wrong of me to give you false hope. Also, Vulcans do not lie.”

Jim rolled his eyes while picking up his bags. Spock followed suit. “Yeah, yeah. At least we agreed you’ll be around to protect me, since I’ll apparently never have a phaser to protect myself with.”

Spock followed Jim out of the gym, “I did not say never.”

Jim bitched to Spock about it a little more on the way back to his place. But by the time they walked into Jim’s apartment, he was saying, “Also, I reconsidered my initial suggestion that you’d be my Chief Science Officer when I get my ship.”

Spock tilted his head, “And what was the outcome of your reassessment?”

“I wasn’t wrong. I’d still want you as my Chief Science Officer, I think. But I was also thinking you’d be good as my First Officer.”

“Indeed?” Spock questioned, watching Jim pull out his food. Spock sat down and waited for Jim to join him.

“You’d be able to handle both. I don’t think it’d be an issue, really. Even humans sometimes occupied more than one position on a starship. I wouldn’t want to take your science away from you –god forbid that ever happen, right –but I think you’d be good to have within a command team, and you’d balance me out too.”

“How so?” Spock questioned.

“Oh, c’mon, you’re not really… I’m all impulsiveness and emotion and super illogical human-ness,” Jim waved his hands around and wiggled his arms before continuing, “and you’re like… the complete opposite. Vulcan logic and control and thinking over every possible outcome in a situation. We’d both drive each other crazy in a command situation, but we wouldn’t be hostile about it since we already have a great rapport and know how to communicate with each other. It’d be great.”

Jim wished he could stop talking. Preferably _before_ he put his foot in his mouth.

Spock’s eyebrows furrowed, “While I am not opposed to your suggestion, your explanation of it is excessively illogical, bordering on nonsensical.”

Jim laughed, “You know what I mean. We are opposites, but also super similar. We’re complementary. We _get_ each other –it’s what I told you that one time, in the library, after I had been asking your students about you to try to get to know you better. _That’s_ what I’m talking about.”

“I do recall that particular meeting,” Spock said, nodding slightly. “And I appreciate that you feel we would make such a good command team. Perhaps someday it can happen.”

“It will,” Jim said, completely sure. “I mean,” Jim wilted slightly, “if you’re interested, right? Like, you’d have to apply, and then make it to the top candidates, and _then_ I could choose you –” Too much. He was giving too damn much away.

“Jim,” Spock said, placing one hand on Jim’s arm to stop his excessive (and distracting) hand movements. “You are already aware of the fact that I believe you have a brilliant future ahead of you. I would be honored to be a part of it. Indeed, I am grateful that you wish for me to be a part of it.”

“Of course I want you to be –”

“Jim,” Spock interrupted, and Jim remembered how –just a few minutes ago –he wanted to shut his damn mouth, so that’s what he did. “What I am attempting to say is: thank you.”

Jim opened his mouth, closed it again. He looked down before responding. “You’re welcome, or whatever. Obviously, Spock, we’re friends. Of course I want you to be part of my…” he trailed off, finally looking back up at Spock, who was not-smiling at him.

Spock’s hand was still on his arm, a heavy and warm weight on top of Jim’s sleeve.

“You’re laughing at me,” Jim said, beginning to grin slightly.

“I would do no such thing,” Spock said, yet his not-smile remained.

“Of course not, Mister Spock,” Jim said before he beamed and laughed, both at himself and at Spock. “You’d never laugh at a human reminding you that the two of you are friends.” He placed a hand over Spock’s, still resting on his arm.

“Indeed,” Spock agreed.

“Are you projecting?” Jim asked, trying to focus on anything he could pick up from Spock’s hand. “I feel like you’re maybe projecting –oh,” Jim stopped when Spock began _actually_ projecting, and Jim immediately started laughing. “You _are_ laughing at me, and now you’re making _me_ laugh at me and that’s just not fair.”

“I am not responsible for your reactions,” Spock said, still _just barely_ smiling, and Jim…

Jim couldn’t _not_.

Spock was still projecting, so Jim _felt_ his surprise when Jim leaned in quickly and kissed him. But it wasn’t a bad feeling –Jim could feel that Spock wasn’t feeling negatively towards the kiss –and technically, they were already kissing with their hands, weren’t they?

Spock reached out with his other hand and cupped Jim’s face, deepening the kiss slowly. Jim ran two fingers up and down Spock’s hand, and realized at some point he had stopped projecting (Jim was only a little disappointed, but still continued his actions). He scraped his fingernails lightly over the back of Spock’s hand, and reveled in the gasp it forced from Spock’s mouth.

He was grinning as he pulled back slightly, making Spock lean forward even more to resume kissing. Jim laughed again, delighted, and allowed it.

Spock pressed his other hand on Jim’s side, sliding it up under his shirt to touch skin. It settled, heavy, just under Jim’s ribs.

“Is it weird, not feeling my heartbeat there?” Jim whispered, resting his forehead against Spock’s.

“While I know and understand you are not Vulcan, it is still somewhat odd,” Spock admitted.

“It’s weird for me too, with you,” Jim said, lifting his hand to settle against Spock’s side, just over his heart.

In response, Spock moved his hand, trailing it up over Jim’s chest, until it was pressed against his sternum and bunching Jim’s shirt up in the process.

“Your heart is beating quickly for a human.”

“Well, yeah,” Jim agreed with a light laugh, “We were kinda building up to something, so it’s a natural reaction.”

“I see,” Spock murmured before pressing his lips back to Jim’s.

“Feel,” Jim corrected against his lips. Spock only huffed in response.

They continued kissing with lips and fingers, just sinking into each other and feeling. And eventually, Spock’s hand on Jim’s chest shifted up more and more, until he was pulling off Jim’s shirt entirely to have better access to his skin.

“You know,” Jim whispered, permitting another kiss before continuing, “we don’t have to do this every time.”

Spock pulled back, only leaving about six inches of space between their faces, “Do you not wish to continue?”

“No, I’m not saying that, I’m just saying that we don’t have to… you know, have sex, every other time we see each other or whatever.”

Spock blinked twice. “Do you have any additional statements to make?”

Jim furrowed his eyebrows together, “What do you mean?”

“I am already aware that we do not need to engage in intercourse every second time we see each other. I was wondering if you had additional information to impart that I was not already cognizant of.”

Jim sighed, “It’s just a human thing, Spock. Just a reminder that I don’t expect you to always have sex with me. Humans remind each other of this stuff sometimes, just so we’re sure everyone’s on the same page.”

“Did saying it out loud allow you to… feel better?” Spock asked, curious.

Jim shrugged, “I guess, yeah. I mean, now I feel like I ruined the mood because I said something you were _already cognizant of_ , so…”

“We do not need to continue if you do not wish to, Jim,” Spock said softly, pulling away more. Jim sighed heavily again, but Spock continued speaking, “However, I do believe that we have a ‘freebie’ night, which I would be amenable to using this evening if you would agree.”

It took Jim a second to understand, “Oh –the freebie, since we had sex the other day but you didn’t stay with me when I slept?”

“Affirmative.”

“Alright,” Jim agreed, finally disentangling himself completely from Spock. “But let’s do something else first. Do you have work with you?”

Spock nodded and retrieved his bag, giving Jim a moment to take a deep breath and then move to collect his own work.

It was a good thing, he knew it, and it was true –they shouldn’t have sex with each other every other time (or every time) they hung out. But that didn’t mean Jim had to be happy about it. It was selfish of him. (And maybe that meant it was even more important to stop having sex with Spock –the fact that he _wanted_ to so badly.)

There was still a part of him that was disappointed, though. What if that was the last time? All of this could end at any moment.

He mentally shook himself and refocused on Spock –his _friend_ , first and foremost.

“So, Spock,” Jim started, “what are you working on tonight?”

“As midterms are approximately two point four weeks away, I am preparing work that will be due during that time period, so that I may dedicate more time towards the classes I assist with.”

“Smart,” Jim commented, rummaging around his bag. “That’s always a week from hell. I forgot that it was so close,” he said before he realized what that meant.

If midterms were two weeks away, that meant it’d be March soon. And March meant that it had been another year since his birthday. Since his dad’s death. Since Vulcan was destroyed.

“Jim?”

Jim mentally shook himself and looked to Spock, who was staring at Jim with his head tilted. “Are you alright?”

“I just didn’t realize how close it was,” Jim repeated, trying to shrug it off and refocus on work. “Time is weird.”

Spock straightened, “Blaming time for your failure to notice the time of year is illogical.” He stared at Jim again, “Also you neglected to answer my inquiry.”

“I’m fine, Spock.”

“Fine has variable definitions.”

Jim squinted at Spock, “You’ve… said that to me before?”

“Affirmative. I will admit, I am surprised you remember, as you were severely sleep deprived at the time.”

Jim nodded once slowly, “Right. Last semester… anyway, I’m fine, I just forgot it was the end of February. Vulcans don’t ever lose track of time?”

“Vulcans are capable of keeping track of time by seconds, minutes, and hours in any given day, given that we are not otherwise incapacitated in some way. Due to this, we are also continuously aware of the day, week, and month.”

“Incapacitated? Like drugged or knocked out?”

Spock nodded, “Among other things. So, generally, no, Vulcans do not lose track of time. It is odd to imagine doing so, as something would be quite wrong if it did.”

“Well it’s pretty common for humans. Like, all of the above –losing track of minutes, hours, days, weeks, whatever,” Jim explained. “So now that we both know that, we know that nothing is terribly wrong with me. I’m just a typical human and lost track of time. Ready to work?”

Spock stared at Jim a beat longer and then nodded.

They worked in (relative) silence for a while (Spock knew it was one hour, seventeen minutes, and twenty six seconds) before Jim stretched his arms above his head and cracked his back.

“Alright,” Jim drawled. “I might be able to sleep soon, if that’s alright with you?”

“I am amenable to this.”

“Okay, I’ll get ready, uhh…” Jim looked around his room and then back to Spock, “I guess, make yourself comfortable? Do you want different clothes or something?”

“My current clothing is satisfactory. Thank you, Jim.”

“Alright, I’ll be right back.”

When Jim returned after completing his nighttime routine, Spock had moved to sit on the bed. Jim sat next to him.

“You good?” Jim asked.

“Affirmative,” Spock responded.

Jim nodded at Spock before reclining on his bed, Spock following his lead. Jim curled onto his side, facing Spock, while Spock remained on his back.

“Thanks, Spock.”

Spock looked over at Jim, “For what, exactly, are you thanking me?”

Jim shrugged as best he could, “For sparring, for checking in to see if I’m alright, for this, just… thanks for being a friend.”

Jim closed his eyes, and did not see Spock’s slight smile. “You are very welcome, Jim.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all amazing and I love you! Happy June and happy Pride!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim irritates McCoy and Gaila is supportive. Jim and Spock watch a historical movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not dead! Yay!

March was upon them before they knew it, and Jim…

Jim was driving McCoy a little crazy.

“Good god, man, what is your problem? _What_?”

Jim stared at him and blinked. “Bones?”

McCoy grit his teeth, “You’ve been sitting here sighing and tapping your stylus and jiggling your leg and moving the _entire damn table_ so I think you owe me an explanation.”

“I didn’t realize I was doing any of that,” Jim said, _almost_ apologetically. “Gaila, have I really been that bad?”

Gaila raised her eyebrows and looked back-and-forth between them, “I personally haven’t been irritated by it. I think Len is just a little stressed with midterms and _may_ be overreacting.”

McCoy’s eye twitched.

“ _Or_ ,” Gaila backtracked, “maybe you are being super distracting and you owe him an explanation.”

Jim rolled his eyes, “Sorry, Bones. I’ll try to stop all bodily movement from now on.”

“Not an explanation,” McCoy growled. “What is your issue? Have you eaten recently? Are you stressed? Are you _bored_? Do you need to get laid –oh god, no,” he immediately grimaced, “no, please don’t answer that last question, I do _not_ need to know the details.”

“I do,” Gaila offered with a grin. “I’d like to know the details.”

McCoy groaned and leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. “Lord help me but… _is_ this about getting laid?” He looked back at Jim, a slight challenge in his eyes, “How are you and the hobgoblin?”

Jim spluttered slightly and couldn’t help his blush. “It’s not… I don’t… I’m not _fidgeting_ just because I need to get –”

“Wait,” Gaila interrupted, “the hobgoblin? Do you mean Spock? You’re sleeping with _Spock_?!”

Jim shushed her almost immediately and then paused, “Didn’t you know that? I thought you could smell it or something?”

“Only if you had sex and didn’t shower before I saw you next –oh my god, Jim, you’re _sleeping with S_ –”

“I think we’ve established this already,” McCoy interrupted. He turned to Jim, “I really thought she knew.”

“So did I,” Jim said. “Gaila, please don’t tell this to Uhura –it doesn’t change anything.”

“I’m not telling anyone,” Gaila said. “They're not in an exclusive relationship yet. He’s not technically cheating. I’m gonna continue on like I don’t know anything, but shit, Jim. I know some Terrans are fine with no-strings fucking, but how did you get a _Vulcan_ to agree?”

Jim looked away slightly, “It’s just… lessons.”

“Of course, you make it educational,” she agreed. Then Gaila squinted and tilted her head, “But it’s not quite no-strings, is it, Jimmy?”

Jim frowned, looking back and forth between Gaila and McCoy, “Look, it’s not your business, but I haven’t actually slept with him for _weeks_ , so no worries.”

McCoy sighed, “So it _is_ about getting laid.” He turned to Gaila, “Alright, settle in, we’ll be here ‘til the cows come home.” And then to Jim, “Out with it, kid.”

“It’s not just…” Jim sighed heavily. “This has nothing to do with him. I’m stressed out –everyone is stressed out. But on top of the midterms I have to take, I’m also on the other side of things too. I have to make and grade them. My “to do” list is like a mile long. And it’s March, which means it’s been another year and… I’m too keyed up to focus on the shit I need to focus on, and maybe…”

“Maybe?” McCoy prompted.

Jim rubbed his hands down his face and settled on pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’ve barely hung out with Spock for like two weeks. Before that, we had a pretty good rotation of sparring to get my energy out, and…”

“Sparring and fucking?” Gaila asked.

Jim did not respond, “It’s stupid. Everything’s just wrapped up together in my head and I just need to focus. Sorry I’ve been so distracting.”

McCoy rolled his eyes, “When’s the last time you slept?”

Jim shrugged, “I try. But my mind just… spins.”

“Have you thought of getting some medicine to help with that? Maybe make a doctor’s appointment?”

“Well, Bones,” Jim grinned, “what do you think I’m doing right now?”

McCoy pointed a finger at Jim’s face, “You know damn well this doesn’t count for healthcare. I’m not a therapist.” He growled while shoving his padd in his bag, “C’mon, let’s go. I think we’re done attempting work here.”

Jim blinked and stared while McCoy stood and Gaila began packing up her own belongings, following his lead.

McCoy raised his eyebrows at Jim, “Well?”

“Alright,” Jim shrugged before packing his own back. “Where are we going?” he asked as he stood.

“Coffee,” McCoy said gruffly, “or some other stimulant that will get us through midterms. We’ll have more privacy in my room, or yours, Jim. We can put on some chill music and do whatever we need to do. Also, I can throw things at you when you’re irritating and only Gaila will witness it.”

“We can also continue this conversation in private,” Gaila added. She looked at Jim, “You have to tell me what it’s like to sleep with a Vulcan.”

“Absolutely not,” McCoy vetoed. “Jim’s well on his way to his own personal mental breakdown, but if I have to listen to _that_ , I’ll get there way before he does.”

“I am _not_ on my way to a mental breakdown. I’m fine. Well, I’m not _fine_ , I’m just stressed like everyone else,” Jim protested.

“No,” McCoy corrected, “you’re not. The rest of us don’t have seven classes we’re taking, and others that we’re assisting with. The rest of us also aren’t pining uselessly and making poor life decisions.”

“Well, I’m with you on the pining, but not really anything else,” Gaila winked at Jim.

Jim frowned at McCoy but spoke to Gaila instead, “How’s that going, anyway?”

“Oh, you know,” Gaila waved her hand vaguely. “Same as always. We all know they’re together right now since it’s Wednesday and they study together every Wednesday. And we all know that it sucks, because, you know, we’d rather that they be with us instead.” She shrugged, as if she wasn’t emotionally invested at all. “So, yeah, pretty typical.”

“Dear god, I might need something stronger than coffee,” McCoy muttered, mostly to himself.

“Alcohol is not conducive for studying, Bones,” Jim said while putting his arms around Gaila’s and McCoy’s shoulders. “Though it is conducive for drowning our relationship issues. But that’s not the point of this week. We gotta get through midterms, _then_ we can drink all the liquor.”

“You know,” Gaila said almost conspiratorially, “I think there are actually liquors you can mix with coffee. Get the best of both.”

Jim grinned widely, “Sounds like the perfect compromise.”

“Absolutely not,” McCoy protested. “I need to study, not drink. There will be plenty of time for drinking once we’ve graduated and are on a starship.”

“I’m holding you to that, Bones.”

\---

Jim felt a little bit like he was drowning.

Everything he had told McCoy and Gaila was true. Or, at least, it was accurate. He _was_ stressed because of his classes –both what he was taking and what he was assisting with. It felt like every day, he had more work to do, even though he hadn’t quite finished with the previous day’s work. He was also stressed because in just a few more weeks, it would be his birthday. The worst day. And, yeah, maybe he hadn’t been sleeping well too, which didn’t help anything.

But also, he and Spock just. Kept. Missing each other.

And Jim definitely wanted to give Spock any space he needed –and if he wanted to spend time with Uhura instead of Jim, that was _fine_. But it still sucked a lot.

Which is how Jim found himself, on Thursday night of midterms week, messaging Spock close to midnight.

_Hope you’re still alive and midterms haven’t killed you._

It took a few minutes for Spock to respond. The fact that he responded at all was surprising to Jim.

_I do not believe it is common for midterms to murder cadets, so I assume you are speaking figuratively to ask me about my health. I am adequate. I hope you are well?_

Jim smiled and turned away from his work completely in order to respond.

_I’m mostly living off coffee and stress at this point. Are you doing work right now?_

_Affirmative_. Spock wrote back.

Jim took a breath. _Wanna do work together?_

As he was waiting for a response, Jim tried to distract himself. He refocused on the paper he was editing. He couldn’t quite focus on that, so he cleaned up some of his work that was scattered on his desk, and drifted to cleaning up random parts of his room as a whole.

And if, when he heard the ding of a message received, he rushed over to look, well, there was no one around to see it.

_That would be acceptable. Where would you like to meet?_

Jim looked around. His room wasn’t that bad. And if Spock came over, it’d give him a little more time to actually pick things up. And then he wouldn’t have to walk to Spock’s place and back again…

_Here is fine, if that works for you._

Spock responded quickly. _I will arrive in approximately eleven minutes._

Jim didn’t respond, and instead spent most of the time making sure his room was Spock-level-appropriate (and then trying to look like he hadn’t made an effort).

Ten and a half minutes later, Spock knocked on Jim’s door.

“As you can see,” Spock started, “I am quite alive. Just in case you doubted my earlier messages were actually from myself.”

Jim grinned and let him in. “I hadn’t, but I’ll be more suspicious from now on if you think it’s best.”

“It could be considered a beneficial practice to never assume any facts. Not necessarily by being suspicious, but by being curious.”

Jim laughed, “Alright, in the future I’ll be sure to ask you a bunch of really invasive questions about your life to make sure it’s you.”

Spock did not smile, but it didn’t matter because Jim was beaming enough for both of them. (And Jim could tell that Spock was doing his Vulcan smile anyway.)

“I do expect that you were being facetious when you wrote you were ‘living off of coffee and stress’,” Spock prompted, scanning Jim’s body with a critical eye as if he was injured.

Jim rolled his eyes, “Yeah yeah, I’ve been eating normal food too.”

Spock raised one eyebrow, “And sleep?”

Jim glanced away, “Well, you know,” he shrugged, waving his hand vaguely. (Spock did not know.) “It’ll get better after this week. Probably. What are you working on tonight?”

Spock allowed the change of subject, for now. He folded his hands behind his back, “I have been grading assignments from the Astrophysics lab I assist with, as well as completing an essay for my Solipsistic Mathematics course. And yourself?”

“Working on a Stellar Cartography project,” Jim responded. “Then after that, I have some work for Diplomacy.”

Spock nodded and settled into a comfortable position on Jim’s bed. “Since we both have much work to do, I suggest we resume our previous activities.”

Jim sighed and nodded. They got back to work.

\---

Jim barely shifted in place for hours. By the time he decided he needed to, his back cracked in three places when he stretched. He groaned in response.

“Have you completed your work?”

Jim turned to fully face Spock, who looked like he also hadn’t moved in hours (but also looked fine with that fact). “I think I’ve gotten done all I can do tonight. What about you?”

Spock nodded once, “While I have not finalized everything, the majority is done and I am content to cease working tonight.”

“Great,” Jim stood and stretched slightly before looking over to Spock. “Wanna watch a vid or something? I need to focus on anything that’s not schoolwork.”

“I am amenable,” Spock said with a slight nod. Jim grinned and rummaged through his desk drawers. Once he found the vid he was looking for, he settled onto the bed next to Spock.

“This one is a _classic_ ,” Jim explained while he was setting it up. “One of the best book-to-movie adaptations ever. It’s got a lot of great information on human behavior that you could use for our Humans 101 lessons.”

“What is the name of this vid?”

“ _Holes_.” Jim smirked slightly, “Some of the special effects are… lacking, but, well…” he shrugged, “you’ll see.”

He started the vid, and they watched in silence. (Jim suspected that Spock was holding his questions until the end.)

And even though Jim really wanted to stay awake, he couldn’t quite manage it. (Spock was so _warm_ and _comfortable_ and _inviting_ and Jim’s eyes were closing just a little bit longer with each blink –)

He woke up to the feeling of being moved. The room was dark. He was gently being lowered to lay horizontally in the bed.

“Spock?” he spoke softly, voice dry.

“Yes, Jim,” Spock confirmed once Jim was laying down.

Jim sighed, “Sorry I fell asleep during the vid. Did you like it?”

Spock settled down in the bed next to Jim, facing him. “It was enjoyable. Do not apologize for resting when you need it.”

“Did you like Kissing Kate? Such a sad story, but what a kickass character.”

“Yes, Jim. Though, I find I have many questions about the history of Earth’s judicial system,” Spock commented.

Jim’s eyes were already closing again. “Ask away,” he sighed.

“I will ask at a later time. Sleep, Jim.”

“Will you stay?”

“Yes, Jim, I will stay.”

Jim nodded and snuggled in closer to Spock, throwing an arm around his waist. By Spock’s estimate, Jim was asleep within six point two minutes.

Thirty minutes later and Spock too was asleep, gently lulled by the soothing restfulness of Jim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so, a few things:
> 
> a.) I'm not sorry about the Holes plug because it's an excellent movie omg  
> b.) I am sorry that it took me so long to update  
> c.) Updates will be fairly inconsistent at this point, but I have every intention of finishing this series  
> d.) Updates will be inconsistent because, within the next month or so, I will be having a baby and my life is gonna go a little fucking crazy. But I'm very excited!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the (short) chapter!


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